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part with me
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about me
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Alotta my pals say that I am pretty random, and i like to think out side of the box alot. Im pretty crazy but not in the straight jacket sorta way ya kno. I like to send letters to my friends cuz everyone likes to get real mail every once and a while. I also like to leave messages on answering machines. Those are a few joys in my life. Another joy in my life is my friends. They put happy into my life just being there. They are my favorite people and I would do anything for them. There are many other joys in my life such as my dog and writing. There are sum downs too but the good stuff makes up for it. Ya can't let the bad bring ya down too much bcuz then life gets a little harder everyday cuz its just bringin ya down. Movin on, Im kinda spastic and goofy and thats aways fun. I like to have fun and smile and have a good time. I'm never usually serious but sometimes I am when I write. Other than that, I usually am never serious cuz its just not me. It would just be weird. But hey I'm weird too and sponaneous so ya never know what to expect outta me I am just a firecracker that just never stops goin. Ya think the pop stops but no it keeps on goin. I can also be refered to as spark plug cuz i dunno i guess im sparky but okay. Thats about all the main stuff, you'll learn the rest in time.
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| this is your cue. smile. |
I decide to switch it up a bit by stating some thoughts in my mind. I always add my thoughts in my entries but they are just webbed in with my day casually. This is just straight out thoughts tho.
I am scared. I know the just of life now. It's like a roller coaster in the dark. You never know where you are going, if there will be a loop, a sharp turn, etc. And when you dont think about it, the ride is pretty damn exciting...you dont know what to expect..you just feel free from it all. But when you find reason to think about it, it really gets to you. To realize the fact you really dont know where you are going, what will happen, how it will turn out... I'm not a big fan of worring, I like living life to the fullest. But I cant say I dont worry often. And its just like...I have all these newfound reasons to worry these days... I just dont know what to do. What is there to do? Nothin really. Just live. I'm living the best I can, I am trying to go through each day as if it were my last. But I am just scared. I am scared everything I care about is just gonna go away... But I dont think it will happen this time. This time it's different. This time people really care, they arent just pretending. And its really nice because its the first time I've felt the closest to whole I've ever been. It's the first time I've felt I didnt totally disappear once I left a room or went on vaycay. The first time that I would leave for vacay knowing that hey, people are going notice im gone..hell, they even might miss me too. And from the end of school till now, I've grown up a lot. I am still the crazy kid with a wild sense of humor but then I am also more intouch with my serious side. I can run around like a maniac but also just lay on a couch and veg out. I've gotten more control over myself than Ive had. What is really nice is that Im around people who enjoy both sides of me. They give me the freedom to be silly and random, but then the chance to be deep and serious. It just feels good to feel accepted and even wanted...some people take advantage of that but it never gets old to me. Life is just so out of my reach right now...I just have to watch. Im not a watcher, Im a do-er kind of person. But its nothing I could do. And people I love, they are sad. Someone I love tons is dissappointed in me. I feel terrible that I could cause them saddness and I really did not mean to. I was true to every word I said and the rest was just not in my power. Thats what I mean, there is nothing I can do. If I were to say something, that would cause me to step up and it'd just not my place. I cant take matters into my own hands when they are not all my matters. I cant handle this all by myself. There is no lie, I would go to the end of the world for you. But I am only me, I cant be anymore or any less. I am so sorry if I have hurt you, let you down, dissappointed you, made you even doubt anything for a second...I am so sorry. And I am so angry with myself. I am so angry that one of the few people that I wouldnt mind going to the end of the world for, that I let them down. I would never intend on hurting them or even think about hurting them...and somehow, I do. I feel terrible, but it was completly out of my power. I cant control feelings...I cant even control my own. I feel like I am being shot at from every angle because I am feeling hurt by numerous beings at once...its not even on purpose, its pure accident. Its not something to be mad about but Im surely confused from it. I just dont know whats going on. I thought I did but I only know the just of it. This is just ramblings from my conscience...its been bothing me all day...too much time to think...bad time to think when its that time of month cuz things are just 10 times shittier then... Jenny at 8:14 PM
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