Her Smiling Eyes

Saturday, July 24, 2004

I just saw I, Robot tonight...it made me think. I was brushing my teeth and thinking about how no one I love can actually fathom how much I love them. I mean it's like infinity…you can't just say it…it means so much more. Anyone can keep saying "If only you knew…" but the thing is… you can't. It's just not possible. It grows more and more everyday. The amount of love contained inside me is impossible to figure out because if there were a certain amount…that would possibly mean that my essences could eventually become full. But that is not true. I don't think I could get anywhere near full. There is always room for more. Then I thought about…how do you begin to love in the first place? Anyone could just throw the word around, but you are just supposed to know when you really mean it. But what makes you know? I have never fallen in love before. And by this I mean real love…the kind of love where the other actually loves you just as much in return. I've loved…and I've known it. Now I understand the reasons why I've loved and even in the present, I know why I love the people I do. But how does it start? What is it that possesses you to outright say it? Like the first time you tell someone you love them, what made you do it? What was the occasion? What was that moment that just made you want to make it known that you love them? I know the feelings…but what makes them? What did that person do to make those feelings? It pisses me off how people throw around I love you's as if they are simple hello's these days. Or just casual as if you're talking about the weather. They lose meaning so quickly like that. People who just meet other people and really enjoy their company…they talk about them fondly to their friends and most likely say "Oh I love so-and-so…they are SO cool". Back in the days, when someone said that about someone, it was deep; nowadays half the time it's shallow. People will say I love you to just about anyone. It seems as though people are speaking from their brains more than their hearts when it comes to feelings. I know for a fact that when I tell someone I love them, I truly mean it. If I didn't, I sure as hell would refrain from saying it because I wouldn't want to lie about something like that. If I don't love them, I like them enough not to lie. So when I was thinking about the people I love, I tried to think about what exactly caused me to tell them. I know I must have been really impacted by the person to say it, by either an action or just part of their well being. And I know the feelings…This is what I've come to think. What causes us to tell someone we love them (or me at least) are the feelings we get at that time. Sometimes people make me so happy inside and out, I feel like I can run across the country or swim against a current with millions of salmon spawning right in my direction. I feel like I can defy nature and fly or dig to China. The adrenaline just rushes through me and goes right into my chest cavity…and it's like the wiring inside of me has been put to full power…energy is just rushing through me…I'm glowing. I feel most alive when I have love in me. Fireworks are bursting inside of me and I just feel pretty and bright. That bursting, that rush of wonderful feelings…all most likely from a simple yet so meaningful conversation with a friend or family member…that's usually when I tell someone or remind them I love them. Even when I feel like shit, those feelings make an appearance. And whenever someone can make me feel like that, I tell them. I guess it's the world's way to express those feelings…to put it in three little words all those emotions and bursts… It's like describing a beautiful painting…it's so hard to describe the array of color and beauty…the meaning behind it…you'd just have to see it to experience it. And you can't ever experience the beauty of a painting without seeing it on your own. You almost have to see it yourself to actually believe something of that beauty actually exists… I don't actually know if that particular beauty exists in my life. I know I love my friends, I know I love my family. But I don't know that one person…that one painting… I haven't seen it before. I haven't experienced the beauty of this glorious painting on my own. And right now…I don't actually believe it. I know it's out there…word is that everyone is meant to be with someone. It's only fair that I have someone too. There has to be someone in this world that loves just as much as I do. We don't have to work like clockwork but I just wish to find someone that loves me just as much in return. I want them to get all those feelings as I do…they are really, really nice feelings. You just feel infinite. Does everyone feel like that when they love something? But no one ever thinks about if maybe their soul mate died before they even met them. I'd prolly be that one ill-fated person whose soul mate died right before our first encounter…and I'd live the rest of my life wondering why my significant other and I never found each other. But if it ever comes to mind later in life and I am still alone, I would have already thought about this. I would hope if that were the fate…it would have been a good cause, like saving a life. A pessimistic thought ended with an optimistic view. I also thought about all the times I stated how I wish I couldn't feel. And I really took that into consideration today. Those robots couldn't feel. They just lived there robot life, doing what they were taught/trained to do. They didn't get any fulfillment in saving lives, nor Good Samaritan feelings after aiding someone. It all seemed so colorless…so empty. That other robot…it was partially trained to feel to an extent. It possessed these feelings it didn't understand. You may realize how complicated feelings are for a human to manage…but at least we know what they are and usually where they derive from. And I thought about if I was one of them. I would be hollow…just full of a lot of planted knowledge in my mechanics. I would feel nothing. I would experience nothing. Living would just be a word. Love would just be a word. And I figured out…all the complexities that come with feeling…in the end are all relatively worth it. If I only felt good feelings…I would most likely take advantage of them. I would live each day knowing it was going to be a good day. I would live each day knowing. That doesn't sound so bad being as I hate conflict and drama…I despise sad feelings and hurting always hurts…pain never really feels good. But if I only felt good feelings…I wouldn't be able to experience the bad. And therefore, I would have nothing to relate the good to. I mean, I would never know if the good got better because everything would be swell already. When there is bad, you can keep your hopes up with the good. And with the good, you can think back to the bad and think "Wow, look where I am now. I remember when I felt like shit and now…I feel so good, I'm so happy." Those good feelings come from defeating that obstacle. Suddenly, the anger and frustration…temporary hurt and pain…sad and gloom…it all seems a little more worth while. Take a little bad with the good, good with the bad…the good just magnifies afterwards. There was one day this week where I felt so lonely, so insignificant…and I was having just a crummy day of isolation. Nothing felt better than the days following…things just don't compare to that one day. And if it takes one day each week to keep me grateful for what I have, so be it. At least I know I won't be taking advantage of these wonders any time soon. For once, I didn't want to be numb. For once, I appreciated my feelings. To think of life with out them…it would be like suicide without the dirty work. Feeling is what makes me the Jen we all know. I wouldn't be who I am today if I didn't feel all the feelings that lead to my well being now. I wouldn't be able to love either. And I don't know what I would do if I couldn't love. I'd prolly be about as useless as a person with no arms is trying to hug someone. I will definitely contemplate before I wish I had no feelings or desire to be numb. I would miss these good feelings. What made you kids know you loved me? Or yet, what makes you want to tell me? I'll tell you, I never thought so much after a movie. And before going to see it, I would have never thought of these things. Or maybe I would have, just not this in-depth. You just really need to see the movie to understand the root of these thoughts. It not only roots to the movie…but the subconscious. It's absolutely amazing what your mind can conjure with your heart speaking from the same source. I can truthfully say that I love you. More than you or anyone could ever fathom. And that will be a known fact, reminded when necessary. Those are my thoughts. Now I can sleep.

Jenny at 12:02 AM

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her smiling eyes
this is your cue. smile.
Saturday, July 24, 2004 I just saw I, Robot tonight...it made me think. I was brushing my teeth and thinking about how no one I love can actually fathom how much I love them. I mean it's like infinity…you can't just say it…it means so much more. Anyone can keep saying "If only you knew…" but the thing is… you can't. It's just not possible. It grows more and more everyday. The amount of love contained inside me is impossible to figure out because if there were a certain amount…that would possibly mean that my essences could eventually become full. But that is not true. I don't think I could get anywhere near full. There is always room for more. Then I thought about…how do you begin to love in the first place? Anyone could just throw the word around, but you are just supposed to know when you really mean it. But what makes you know? I have never fallen in love before. And by this I mean real love…the kind of love where the other actually loves you just as much in return. I've loved…and I've known it. Now I understand the reasons why I've loved and even in the present, I know why I love the people I do. But how does it start? What is it that possesses you to outright say it? Like the first time you tell someone you love them, what made you do it? What was the occasion? What was that moment that just made you want to make it known that you love them? I know the feelings…but what makes them? What did that person do to make those feelings? It pisses me off how people throw around I love you's as if they are simple hello's these days. Or just casual as if you're talking about the weather. They lose meaning so quickly like that. People who just meet other people and really enjoy their company…they talk about them fondly to their friends and most likely say "Oh I love so-and-so…they are SO cool". Back in the days, when someone said that about someone, it was deep; nowadays half the time it's shallow. People will say I love you to just about anyone. It seems as though people are speaking from their brains more than their hearts when it comes to feelings. I know for a fact that when I tell someone I love them, I truly mean it. If I didn't, I sure as hell would refrain from saying it because I wouldn't want to lie about something like that. If I don't love them, I like them enough not to lie. So when I was thinking about the people I love, I tried to think about what exactly caused me to tell them. I know I must have been really impacted by the person to say it, by either an action or just part of their well being. And I know the feelings…This is what I've come to think. What causes us to tell someone we love them (or me at least) are the feelings we get at that time. Sometimes people make me so happy inside and out, I feel like I can run across the country or swim against a current with millions of salmon spawning right in my direction. I feel like I can defy nature and fly or dig to China. The adrenaline just rushes through me and goes right into my chest cavity…and it's like the wiring inside of me has been put to full power…energy is just rushing through me…I'm glowing. I feel most alive when I have love in me. Fireworks are bursting inside of me and I just feel pretty and bright. That bursting, that rush of wonderful feelings…all most likely from a simple yet so meaningful conversation with a friend or family member…that's usually when I tell someone or remind them I love them. Even when I feel like shit, those feelings make an appearance. And whenever someone can make me feel like that, I tell them. I guess it's the world's way to express those feelings…to put it in three little words all those emotions and bursts… It's like describing a beautiful painting…it's so hard to describe the array of color and beauty…the meaning behind it…you'd just have to see it to experience it. And you can't ever experience the beauty of a painting without seeing it on your own. You almost have to see it yourself to actually believe something of that beauty actually exists… I don't actually know if that particular beauty exists in my life. I know I love my friends, I know I love my family. But I don't know that one person…that one painting… I haven't seen it before. I haven't experienced the beauty of this glorious painting on my own. And right now…I don't actually believe it. I know it's out there…word is that everyone is meant to be with someone. It's only fair that I have someone too. There has to be someone in this world that loves just as much as I do. We don't have to work like clockwork but I just wish to find someone that loves me just as much in return. I want them to get all those feelings as I do…they are really, really nice feelings. You just feel infinite. Does everyone feel like that when they love something? But no one ever thinks about if maybe their soul mate died before they even met them. I'd prolly be that one ill-fated person whose soul mate died right before our first encounter…and I'd live the rest of my life wondering why my significant other and I never found each other. But if it ever comes to mind later in life and I am still alone, I would have already thought about this. I would hope if that were the fate…it would have been a good cause, like saving a life. A pessimistic thought ended with an optimistic view. I also thought about all the times I stated how I wish I couldn't feel. And I really took that into consideration today. Those robots couldn't feel. They just lived there robot life, doing what they were taught/trained to do. They didn't get any fulfillment in saving lives, nor Good Samaritan feelings after aiding someone. It all seemed so colorless…so empty. That other robot…it was partially trained to feel to an extent. It possessed these feelings it didn't understand. You may realize how complicated feelings are for a human to manage…but at least we know what they are and usually where they derive from. And I thought about if I was one of them. I would be hollow…just full of a lot of planted knowledge in my mechanics. I would feel nothing. I would experience nothing. Living would just be a word. Love would just be a word. And I figured out…all the complexities that come with feeling…in the end are all relatively worth it. If I only felt good feelings…I would most likely take advantage of them. I would live each day knowing it was going to be a good day. I would live each day knowing. That doesn't sound so bad being as I hate conflict and drama…I despise sad feelings and hurting always hurts…pain never really feels good. But if I only felt good feelings…I wouldn't be able to experience the bad. And therefore, I would have nothing to relate the good to. I mean, I would never know if the good got better because everything would be swell already. When there is bad, you can keep your hopes up with the good. And with the good, you can think back to the bad and think "Wow, look where I am now. I remember when I felt like shit and now…I feel so good, I'm so happy." Those good feelings come from defeating that obstacle. Suddenly, the anger and frustration…temporary hurt and pain…sad and gloom…it all seems a little more worth while. Take a little bad with the good, good with the bad…the good just magnifies afterwards. There was one day this week where I felt so lonely, so insignificant…and I was having just a crummy day of isolation. Nothing felt better than the days following…things just don't compare to that one day. And if it takes one day each week to keep me grateful for what I have, so be it. At least I know I won't be taking advantage of these wonders any time soon. For once, I didn't want to be numb. For once, I appreciated my feelings. To think of life with out them…it would be like suicide without the dirty work. Feeling is what makes me the Jen we all know. I wouldn't be who I am today if I didn't feel all the feelings that lead to my well being now. I wouldn't be able to love either. And I don't know what I would do if I couldn't love. I'd prolly be about as useless as a person with no arms is trying to hug someone. I will definitely contemplate before I wish I had no feelings or desire to be numb. I would miss these good feelings. What made you kids know you loved me? Or yet, what makes you want to tell me? I'll tell you, I never thought so much after a movie. And before going to see it, I would have never thought of these things. Or maybe I would have, just not this in-depth. You just really need to see the movie to understand the root of these thoughts. It not only roots to the movie…but the subconscious. It's absolutely amazing what your mind can conjure with your heart speaking from the same source. I can truthfully say that I love you. More than you or anyone could ever fathom. And that will be a known fact, reminded when necessary. Those are my thoughts. Now I can sleep. Jenny at 12:02 AM Comments: Post a Comment
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