Her Smiling Eyes

Tuesday, August 31, 2004

Mmmkay. So the day starts out relatively normal, I wake up in a panic because I need to do that blasted speech. I shower and quickly get dressed so that I can use the rest of my time to write (last night ended up with me sleeping on the floor in my notebook. Funny because there is a bed in the office/spare bedroom...but I always go for the floor). I also had to do my algebra ws, and design my poster for Earth Science. I had all this stuff loaded to do before school started, I was going outta my mind.

I get on the bus and continue switching from my ws to my poster. I finish the ws, now the poster was on my DO BEFORE SCHOOL STARTS list. EArth Science is the first class of the day...it was a must. PLus, it was a hell of a lot of fun, I dont know why i didnt spend all my time designing it yesterday when that is something I love to do. Ugh...silly me. Nevertheless, it turned out really neat and cool. My quote on there to help save lives in the future: "Wear goggles while working in a lab or else your eyes will BURN LIKE HELL!!!" And I made up some words...such as: Owww!!! BURNAGE!!! and YIKES!! (eh..kinda forgot this one...) MY EYES ARE SURGED!! yea...I think thats it.

Well the objective of that class today was to make a collage out of the safety pictures. We had to make a shape or something...arrangement for the pictures. So my idea was a dinosaur. I tried drawing it the best i could with boxes and let me tell you, it was one fucked up dino. My table loved it tho and nominated it for our little collage design mascotish thing. 3 other's were nominated and I was up against Brendan. DUN DUN DUN. When we voted, I voted for myself because with the few that voted before me, they voted for the other people. So I decided to put myself on the map...vote for myself dammit lol. I woulda voted for Brendan but it was different when I was up there too. Lotsa people voted for mine so I won. That was cool. We made my design and it's in the science hallway. NEAT! You should check it out and marvel. The dino got into a bar fight in Milwaukee...he started out with no tail...then we gave him one...but he still has no arms...(ran outta paper). Lets just be lucky he survived that bar fight...

That was cool. I was recognized for my idea. And it all worked out, i unknowingly arranged the paper in such a way that a clock on someones sign sort of acts as an eye too. Weird how things so spontaneous work out.

Algebra II was fun. I don't necessarily know why, I just know I laughed a lot and left in a good mood. Weird, since math isnt my favoritest subject...

Yearbook had the opprotunity to mess with the cameras. I was a little ham, I admit lol. I dont really mind getting my picture taken...i kinda like it. Hammy ham ham. People took my picture as I was drawing Horatio Green on the board. Luckily im not an abidigital. Hee hee =)

Umm..F4L. We worked our abs. I was glad to break the ice with our class by makin some laughter with my previous memories with Rummel (me sleeping in the mat room twice, falling asleep in child's pose all hour, ect.)

Drama was hyper. We did slave labor and organized She's scripts in ABC order...yea...great way to get something done. At first I didnt know what the hell we were doing and thinking we were picking scenes and partners at random due to the fact the class is loaded with people...I freaked out dude! Then I got it so when I put my stack in ABC order, everytime I had a script he called for, I yelled something crazy like BINGO!! or YATZEE!!! Chyea, Im cool lol.

Lunch was a mental overload. I had to finish up my speech still and ugh...major freaking out. I was so stressed....I was so disappointed in myself. I knew better than that. But each day...I would try and try to start that blasted speech and I never got anywhere. And it hurt that each and everyday, I would be determined to start it because I knew I should. Yet I never got anywhere. It was like walking down a never ending hallway. Why can't i just focus like normal kids? I know Im a good student on the inside but this is really bringin me down. To tell you the truth, if anything I needed right now is some authority that I highly respected to get me in line.

I need my grampa. He had a way with words where he would say to do something so casually yet so powerfully...you just did it...out of respect and loyalty. It was amazing. No one really has that kind of voice anymore. My old english teacher, yea, she made me want to do good. She was strict yet allowed friendship. That teach loved me yet hated me all the same lol. But we had lots of respect for each other. I just need some kind of authority that I can take seriously. Mom and dad...eh...I cant really take them seriously anymore. I actually cant really take much seriously anymore. I have come to the point where things that bother me roll off way too easily. Not much seems to faze me. Like I ran into this kid last week, nothing. I didnt even blush or look down. I totally ran into him cuz I was walking backwards...all up into him...and I just stared him in the eye like hmm...I wonder where you came from. The whole idea just didnt faze me. I still apologize when I run into people, but like it was so weird this time. I really didnt seem to care.

I know Im not numb and I know I care a whole lot about those I love and the things I love...but just random misfortunes...so what. I guess thats okay...but its just like when did this happen? When did I just not worry about those things? It never really bothered me what other people thought of me....but there was always that little bit. Now its like the little bit shrunk even more. Confidence? Dunno. Bravery? Dunno. Guts? Dunno. Whatever it is, I dont know. But what I do know is that today, when Manda just simply wrote down to concentrate on my speech...it was just enough to get motivated more. I mean, if someone I really care about is like "Dude, seriously, do your work." I just kinda do. Not the fact that I have to be told...well yea...I just kinda have to hear it. I know I have to do it...but when someone else notices, its much different and then I make myself do it. Ugh. If only I could just be like "Jenny, do your shit and get it done." and convince myself...push myself...hmm

I finished it. Then I did my speech that next hour. I didnt really think my introductory was very 'attention getting'...so I began by yelling GOD BLESS AMERICA! Chyea, that got their attention. I talked about what america meant to me (freedom and education) and how i fit into society (family, education, ect), what I think a typical american is (no such thing, everyone is their own american). I also spoke of that HBO documentary, keying it to our freedom and the difference between us and Middle East. Tied together well. The audience liked my speech and my teacher liked it as well. My pal said that I had a great mixture of Jenny-humor, facts, and smooth sarcasm.

Finally returned Midsummer Night's Dream (I had it for like 5 months lol) so I could get Catcher and the Rye. Im really excited to be reading it. I can never really pick out a book myself to read because I dunno...I dont know what books may catch my interest. So i depend on the books im obligated to read in order to figure out what im interested in in a book. Im not such a great book picker. But I love to read. Ironic. Think I would know what books i'd like by now...I'll just read everything lol. Fine by me. Found out how some of my friends really changed and how i changed. For a while, they seemed more mature than I ever was. But I see that it's not true. I am actually more mature than they are. Some of my friends are pretty pathetic. It's sickening. If you're going to have sex and such, fine. But have some respect for you and your 'love' and dont brag to the whole world. "I had sex 5 more times yesterday" Hmm...good for you. How's about a real conversation? Remember those? Those were good times...meaningful times...I miss those times. Now...some of these friends are just shallow and really full of themselves.

Im really sick of it. These people say I love you after a week. They make the word lose meaning...by saying it so early on. Then they let guys step all over them...then get the guts to break it off and move on. But the guy 'crawls back' and they just really dig that. They feel oh so powerful then. So they take them back and usually go through it all again. Or not, things could change. Mostly I've seen friends turn shallow...to conform to their shallow boyfriends or girlfriends. They wonder why they always get hurt but they make themselves so vulnerable to it in the first place. They say I love you, but then they end up being over in a few weeks. Where does the love go? It was never there. Stop saying it if you dont mean it. Some of my friends are so dependent on boys, they always have to be taken. They go from one to another to another. If they dont even need time to get over someone, was anything really there? I think they just afraid to be alone. Nobody likes to be alone...but would you rather be in a relationship with a guy you dont give two shits about? Come on... Or maybe it's just me. My past boy friends have all been relatively long relationships. First boyfriend was like 3 weeks, not 3 days. That was shocking to me. Second was 3 months...and it only ended because we werent able to spend as much time with each other as we wished. No car, too far...hell. I still have a very soft spot for him.

And I talked to my friend about relationships. She said how she hated being a girlfriend. ANd I understood her reasoning. But the idea to me is the fact that there is someone who likes you and you like them...and this person likes you so much that they want to solidify it by putting that label on it. "Girlfriend". They want to say "Yea, that's my girlfriend over there. She makes me really happy." I want to be special like that where someone would want me like that. I wish I were liked back.

But I dont need a special someone. Im content without one...it would just be nice to be held. To not even have to ask for a hug or kiss and just get one randomly. To have someone think about me fondly on their own...just out of spontanity.

Eh..there is more but i am gonna be knocked off. Despite my rantings...I had the most amazing day today.

Day later, let me add on. So besides that, watched a movie in History. But this was a nice highlight to my day.

Brittany said I was the sunshine of the school and I brighten up the hallways. That was about the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me. I feel really special that I've grown the nickname Sunshine. It makes me really happy that I can like brighten peoples days and makes smile-age =D If only I could explain how happy it all makes me. I heart Brittany, she makes me happy with her sillyness and awesome pictures that I am collecting lol. A picture from her everyday would make each day neat lol =))) STARE-AGE!!! Hahaha

I still need a Jenny sitter. I think? I dont know. I cant really tell if people are taking me seriously or not when I say I need a Jenny sitter for the weekend. REally guys, the parentals dont trust me home alone and like...I dont want to leave again....I dont want to go to the middle of Wisconsin and be alone. I get up there and there is no family time. Everyone does their own thing. So I am jsut left by myself...either fishing, looking at the lake, or looking at the stars....wishing I was home. I just get really homesick and they dont get it. I wanna stay home and enjoy my extended weekend. And come on...silly Jenny for a weekend? It's gotta be atleast a little fun lol. Plus, I'll buy you dinner and pay you in sexual favors haha.

I hung out with my pal Danielle after school. Man, we get way too hyper. We drove all around Antioch and said hi to random people walking outside or skating (-blank-, is that you?!?! :::drives by slowlly then peels off:::) Then we ended up going back to her house a making pictures on her white folders. I draw better with sharpies...and let me tell you...the more I draw with those, the more interesting they get lol. Ventilation is the key!! But wheres the lock? Jiggly-pauf....Jiggly Puff's special ed twin brother lol. HMMM? I have this theory...but you gotta ask me about it....its very long an detailed and may not make sense unless you are effixiated with sharpie scent. Whoo damn...open a window...

Drove home with my head out the window screamin out TBS lyrics. Good belting music. I just belted it out at the top of our lungs and it felt good. I sing their songs pretty good. Helps that the lead singer has the weird kinda "surfer" sound I have (according to my ma...the kinda like 'duuuuuuuude' sound") Raspy, that almost describes it. Wow...I just had one of those weird moments when I spaced out...then I realized I was still typing in here. After like a few seconds, I forgot lol. Ugh...I cant tell if im gaining or losing knowledge anymore. I'm smart, but sometimes I can be really not there ya know?

Well, im done with this entry. I love you all.

Jenny at 6:06 PM

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her smiling eyes
this is your cue. smile.
Tuesday, August 31, 2004 Mmmkay. So the day starts out relatively normal, I wake up in a panic because I need to do that blasted speech. I shower and quickly get dressed so that I can use the rest of my time to write (last night ended up with me sleeping on the floor in my notebook. Funny because there is a bed in the office/spare bedroom...but I always go for the floor). I also had to do my algebra ws, and design my poster for Earth Science. I had all this stuff loaded to do before school started, I was going outta my mind. I get on the bus and continue switching from my ws to my poster. I finish the ws, now the poster was on my DO BEFORE SCHOOL STARTS list. EArth Science is the first class of the day...it was a must. PLus, it was a hell of a lot of fun, I dont know why i didnt spend all my time designing it yesterday when that is something I love to do. Ugh...silly me. Nevertheless, it turned out really neat and cool. My quote on there to help save lives in the future: "Wear goggles while working in a lab or else your eyes will BURN LIKE HELL!!!" And I made up some words...such as: Owww!!! BURNAGE!!! and YIKES!! (eh..kinda forgot this one...) MY EYES ARE SURGED!! yea...I think thats it. Well the objective of that class today was to make a collage out of the safety pictures. We had to make a shape or something...arrangement for the pictures. So my idea was a dinosaur. I tried drawing it the best i could with boxes and let me tell you, it was one fucked up dino. My table loved it tho and nominated it for our little collage design mascotish thing. 3 other's were nominated and I was up against Brendan. DUN DUN DUN. When we voted, I voted for myself because with the few that voted before me, they voted for the other people. So I decided to put myself on the map...vote for myself dammit lol. I woulda voted for Brendan but it was different when I was up there too. Lotsa people voted for mine so I won. That was cool. We made my design and it's in the science hallway. NEAT! You should check it out and marvel. The dino got into a bar fight in Milwaukee...he started out with no tail...then we gave him one...but he still has no arms...(ran outta paper). Lets just be lucky he survived that bar fight... That was cool. I was recognized for my idea. And it all worked out, i unknowingly arranged the paper in such a way that a clock on someones sign sort of acts as an eye too. Weird how things so spontaneous work out. Algebra II was fun. I don't necessarily know why, I just know I laughed a lot and left in a good mood. Weird, since math isnt my favoritest subject... Yearbook had the opprotunity to mess with the cameras. I was a little ham, I admit lol. I dont really mind getting my picture taken...i kinda like it. Hammy ham ham. People took my picture as I was drawing Horatio Green on the board. Luckily im not an abidigital. Hee hee =) Umm..F4L. We worked our abs. I was glad to break the ice with our class by makin some laughter with my previous memories with Rummel (me sleeping in the mat room twice, falling asleep in child's pose all hour, ect.) Drama was hyper. We did slave labor and organized She's scripts in ABC order...yea...great way to get something done. At first I didnt know what the hell we were doing and thinking we were picking scenes and partners at random due to the fact the class is loaded with people...I freaked out dude! Then I got it so when I put my stack in ABC order, everytime I had a script he called for, I yelled something crazy like BINGO!! or YATZEE!!! Chyea, Im cool lol. Lunch was a mental overload. I had to finish up my speech still and ugh...major freaking out. I was so stressed....I was so disappointed in myself. I knew better than that. But each day...I would try and try to start that blasted speech and I never got anywhere. And it hurt that each and everyday, I would be determined to start it because I knew I should. Yet I never got anywhere. It was like walking down a never ending hallway. Why can't i just focus like normal kids? I know Im a good student on the inside but this is really bringin me down. To tell you the truth, if anything I needed right now is some authority that I highly respected to get me in line. I need my grampa. He had a way with words where he would say to do something so casually yet so powerfully...you just did it...out of respect and loyalty. It was amazing. No one really has that kind of voice anymore. My old english teacher, yea, she made me want to do good. She was strict yet allowed friendship. That teach loved me yet hated me all the same lol. But we had lots of respect for each other. I just need some kind of authority that I can take seriously. Mom and dad...eh...I cant really take them seriously anymore. I actually cant really take much seriously anymore. I have come to the point where things that bother me roll off way too easily. Not much seems to faze me. Like I ran into this kid last week, nothing. I didnt even blush or look down. I totally ran into him cuz I was walking backwards...all up into him...and I just stared him in the eye like hmm...I wonder where you came from. The whole idea just didnt faze me. I still apologize when I run into people, but like it was so weird this time. I really didnt seem to care. I know Im not numb and I know I care a whole lot about those I love and the things I love...but just random misfortunes...so what. I guess thats okay...but its just like when did this happen? When did I just not worry about those things? It never really bothered me what other people thought of me....but there was always that little bit. Now its like the little bit shrunk even more. Confidence? Dunno. Bravery? Dunno. Guts? Dunno. Whatever it is, I dont know. But what I do know is that today, when Manda just simply wrote down to concentrate on my speech...it was just enough to get motivated more. I mean, if someone I really care about is like "Dude, seriously, do your work." I just kinda do. Not the fact that I have to be told...well yea...I just kinda have to hear it. I know I have to do it...but when someone else notices, its much different and then I make myself do it. Ugh. If only I could just be like "Jenny, do your shit and get it done." and convince myself...push myself...hmm I finished it. Then I did my speech that next hour. I didnt really think my introductory was very 'attention getting'...so I began by yelling GOD BLESS AMERICA! Chyea, that got their attention. I talked about what america meant to me (freedom and education) and how i fit into society (family, education, ect), what I think a typical american is (no such thing, everyone is their own american). I also spoke of that HBO documentary, keying it to our freedom and the difference between us and Middle East. Tied together well. The audience liked my speech and my teacher liked it as well. My pal said that I had a great mixture of Jenny-humor, facts, and smooth sarcasm. Finally returned Midsummer Night's Dream (I had it for like 5 months lol) so I could get Catcher and the Rye. Im really excited to be reading it. I can never really pick out a book myself to read because I dunno...I dont know what books may catch my interest. So i depend on the books im obligated to read in order to figure out what im interested in in a book. Im not such a great book picker. But I love to read. Ironic. Think I would know what books i'd like by now...I'll just read everything lol. Fine by me. Found out how some of my friends really changed and how i changed. For a while, they seemed more mature than I ever was. But I see that it's not true. I am actually more mature than they are. Some of my friends are pretty pathetic. It's sickening. If you're going to have sex and such, fine. But have some respect for you and your 'love' and dont brag to the whole world. "I had sex 5 more times yesterday" Hmm...good for you. How's about a real conversation? Remember those? Those were good times...meaningful times...I miss those times. Now...some of these friends are just shallow and really full of themselves. Im really sick of it. These people say I love you after a week. They make the word lose meaning...by saying it so early on. Then they let guys step all over them...then get the guts to break it off and move on. But the guy 'crawls back' and they just really dig that. They feel oh so powerful then. So they take them back and usually go through it all again. Or not, things could change. Mostly I've seen friends turn shallow...to conform to their shallow boyfriends or girlfriends. They wonder why they always get hurt but they make themselves so vulnerable to it in the first place. They say I love you, but then they end up being over in a few weeks. Where does the love go? It was never there. Stop saying it if you dont mean it. Some of my friends are so dependent on boys, they always have to be taken. They go from one to another to another. If they dont even need time to get over someone, was anything really there? I think they just afraid to be alone. Nobody likes to be alone...but would you rather be in a relationship with a guy you dont give two shits about? Come on... Or maybe it's just me. My past boy friends have all been relatively long relationships. First boyfriend was like 3 weeks, not 3 days. That was shocking to me. Second was 3 months...and it only ended because we werent able to spend as much time with each other as we wished. No car, too far...hell. I still have a very soft spot for him. And I talked to my friend about relationships. She said how she hated being a girlfriend. ANd I understood her reasoning. But the idea to me is the fact that there is someone who likes you and you like them...and this person likes you so much that they want to solidify it by putting that label on it. "Girlfriend". They want to say "Yea, that's my girlfriend over there. She makes me really happy." I want to be special like that where someone would want me like that. I wish I were liked back. But I dont need a special someone. Im content without one...it would just be nice to be held. To not even have to ask for a hug or kiss and just get one randomly. To have someone think about me fondly on their own...just out of spontanity. Eh..there is more but i am gonna be knocked off. Despite my rantings...I had the most amazing day today. Day later, let me add on. So besides that, watched a movie in History. But this was a nice highlight to my day. Brittany said I was the sunshine of the school and I brighten up the hallways. That was about the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me. I feel really special that I've grown the nickname Sunshine. It makes me really happy that I can like brighten peoples days and makes smile-age =D If only I could explain how happy it all makes me. I heart Brittany, she makes me happy with her sillyness and awesome pictures that I am collecting lol. A picture from her everyday would make each day neat lol =))) STARE-AGE!!! Hahaha I still need a Jenny sitter. I think? I dont know. I cant really tell if people are taking me seriously or not when I say I need a Jenny sitter for the weekend. REally guys, the parentals dont trust me home alone and like...I dont want to leave again....I dont want to go to the middle of Wisconsin and be alone. I get up there and there is no family time. Everyone does their own thing. So I am jsut left by myself...either fishing, looking at the lake, or looking at the stars....wishing I was home. I just get really homesick and they dont get it. I wanna stay home and enjoy my extended weekend. And come on...silly Jenny for a weekend? It's gotta be atleast a little fun lol. Plus, I'll buy you dinner and pay you in sexual favors haha. I hung out with my pal Danielle after school. Man, we get way too hyper. We drove all around Antioch and said hi to random people walking outside or skating (-blank-, is that you?!?! :::drives by slowlly then peels off:::) Then we ended up going back to her house a making pictures on her white folders. I draw better with sharpies...and let me tell you...the more I draw with those, the more interesting they get lol. Ventilation is the key!! But wheres the lock? Jiggly-pauf....Jiggly Puff's special ed twin brother lol. HMMM? I have this theory...but you gotta ask me about it....its very long an detailed and may not make sense unless you are effixiated with sharpie scent. Whoo damn...open a window... Drove home with my head out the window screamin out TBS lyrics. Good belting music. I just belted it out at the top of our lungs and it felt good. I sing their songs pretty good. Helps that the lead singer has the weird kinda "surfer" sound I have (according to my ma...the kinda like 'duuuuuuuude' sound") Raspy, that almost describes it. Wow...I just had one of those weird moments when I spaced out...then I realized I was still typing in here. After like a few seconds, I forgot lol. Ugh...I cant tell if im gaining or losing knowledge anymore. I'm smart, but sometimes I can be really not there ya know? Well, im done with this entry. I love you all. Jenny at 6:06 PM Comments: Post a Comment
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