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part with me
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about me
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Alotta my pals say that I am pretty random, and i like to think out side of the box alot. Im pretty crazy but not in the straight jacket sorta way ya kno. I like to send letters to my friends cuz everyone likes to get real mail every once and a while. I also like to leave messages on answering machines. Those are a few joys in my life. Another joy in my life is my friends. They put happy into my life just being there. They are my favorite people and I would do anything for them. There are many other joys in my life such as my dog and writing. There are sum downs too but the good stuff makes up for it. Ya can't let the bad bring ya down too much bcuz then life gets a little harder everyday cuz its just bringin ya down. Movin on, Im kinda spastic and goofy and thats aways fun. I like to have fun and smile and have a good time. I'm never usually serious but sometimes I am when I write. Other than that, I usually am never serious cuz its just not me. It would just be weird. But hey I'm weird too and sponaneous so ya never know what to expect outta me I am just a firecracker that just never stops goin. Ya think the pop stops but no it keeps on goin. I can also be refered to as spark plug cuz i dunno i guess im sparky but okay. Thats about all the main stuff, you'll learn the rest in time.
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I have this necklace with a raindrop (or teardrop) on it and engraved on the front it says: Good, bad, ok. And I kind of feel like that right now. Crazy, I know...but I do.
The good is, I am slowly but surely cleaning up my act. I am trying my best in doing my homework, I do my best in class, and I even do more extra curricular activities. I still hang out with my friends and we still have play days, and I've just been really happy lately. Just like...more than usual. The bad is, it seems like I'm losing touch with some important people in my life. I know they aren't diliberately drifting or going anywhere or anything...it just seems like we're loosing grip. Like we just got clammy or something and are just loosing each other. And we wont admit it, no no, but I can just kinda see it. It happens to the best of us, I guess it's pretty hard to avoid...it still kills me though. There are very few people who can understand me so. Last year, some of these people still didnt have any actual classes with me and things were still tight. =/ It doesnt help that I constantly feel outside of everything. I feel like this one ball I had when I was little. Outside of the ball, there were all these little cut outs of shapes so you could put the matching blocks in there. And chyea, you put the correct shaped block into the right shape in the ball. When you are all done, all the little blocks would be in the ball and you would have to untwist it in half and pour them out to do it again. I feel kind of like that. I feel like all of my friends are all cozy and safe inside the ball, and my block just wont fit in it's hole. It wont fit in any hole. It's keeps trying but no matter what, my block wont fit in. It seems like I can never fit in. I dont know where I fit in...I dont know where I could fit in. And ya kno, I dont mind being different and unique, but just that bondage...the sharing similar brainwaves or mindsets. I feel like Im a little kid outside of the play place, watching all the other kids have fun from the window. I feel like the last kid picked for the team. Everyone is always picked first, Im just there...hoping someone would like me, maybe I can be good enough. Times like these I just dont feel good enough. And I've come to think people prioritize everything naturally. Some people say they wanna hang out, but then when they finally get the freetime, they hang out with someone they really wanna hang out with. And understandably enough, most of the time, it doesnt seem to be me. I dont know. Maybe it's PMS hitting me any day now, maybe it's just my september saddness, maybe Im just going back to my excessive worry-wart years. Alls I know is that I felt so out of place tonight...like even my own friends couldnt see me. I just wanted to have someone hold me and be like "No no no no no no no no times 90" because thats what I ended up doing. I cant let that little voice get to me again. I just started getting comfortable with my life and then the voice comes asking me what I am doing here...saying I dont belong here....that people I love dont love me or care about me or just plain dont need me anymore or at all. I feel like an umbrella or something. Im only useful when it rains. But when it doesnt, I'm packed away neatly. Nobody ever really pulls me out just for the sake of an umbrella...I just have like one use...like even a shoe horn...but nobody really cares about the shoehorn because it's possibly to put shoes on and take them off without one. It's just there....invented for the sake of being invented. And I hate the voice. I hate it. It makes me feel bad inside and feel like shit. It brings up questions like who actually needs you anyway? And no one does...no one needs anybody...so why would anyone need me? But who would think of this? For attempting to be such an optimistic person all the time, the most horrid things come into my mind. I mean who on earth would live their life in constant fear of losing someone they love? I would. I want the voice to go away...or I want to go away? I'd rather be elsewhere...mainly with my grampa...because then I can feel understood. And he cant leave me again up there. Im not saying I want to die or anything, I just wish I could vacation up there...because I miss him. I feel so alone without him. I just feel so unstable. I cant even tell if i have support beams, Im just here...like the little molecules of oxygen you are breathing in, but never really take much notice to besides the fact that you're alive and blinking. I want to hide. I want to hide from my mind and just hide. I want to hide from my own brainwashing, I want to hide from the scary September sad. I wont go back. Jenny at 1:11 AM
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