Her Smiling Eyes

Friday, September 24, 2004

High lights and low lights

This week was pretty weird. Sometimes things could be so good and so bad at the same time. I was so happy and so sad at the same time. You think it would be a balanced even, but it really messes you up. I had no idea whether I should be happier or sadder this week. So I was just kind of there...floating around...

I had a great day each day this week, I was always smiling. But when I would have time to think, I would want to cry. I am not doing so good in school for the start. I know it's only the beginning, but it's taking a hell of a lot out of me to get out of this summer mode. My grades are suffering. I am really ashamed of myself. I mean it. I almost feel like joining a military school or something. I have really nice teachers that really try and teach, they really try and make it so it's interesting and fun to learn. And it is, I know it is. I feel like I am slacking, freeloading, just terrible. I am thinking about my future...being a hobo...just floating around with no purpose. I feel so incredibly stupid. We barely even started school yet. Somebody needs to like punch me or something.

The thing is, I have always had trouble focusing. But I could get by before. It just seems to keep getting worse though. I find myself either spacing, sleeping, or doing something out of the ordinary instead of my responsibilites. Like homework for example. I will get home and get all my homework out and lay it out right in front of me. I am one of those people who has to see all of what they have to do so they dont forget. So it's all layed out in front of me, and then I just can't do it. I can look at it for HOURS and not do it. In fact, I could probably write a whole book instead. I can do just about anything else BUT it. Hell, I'd even do laundry or like flippin weave a basket.

It used to be that I would only have to be completely clean before I could focus. Like if I was writing a paper and I didnt shower yet or get dressed, I would have to do all that...get dressed...dry my hair...EVERYTHING, just so I wouldnt get distracted by it. Now I still even do that, but then I like clean the space all around me. Then I think of everything else that isnt clean. I have even started cleaning my room. But then I would think about my homework and how i have to do it. So I would just sit there and wonder which I should do first, clean my room or do my homework. Either one I did, I would be haunted by the other.

I just cant focus for the life of me. Everything else just crowds my mind. Not that I mind, but I cant let that happen. Before school, I think about what will happen throughout today. During school, I'll think about what has happened so far or something random like if cotton mouth and dry mouth are the same thing. The sad thing is, it's been on my mind for about the whole week. Then afterschool, I will think about all that has happened during school. And I will just constantly be thinking about the past and the future but never the present. I only think about the present when something nice is happening, like a good time with a friend or a good movie. But otherwise, I am just constantly thinking about EVERYTHING...and when it comes to homework, there is just no room to consentrate on it.

I brought this up to my ma and dad at dinner. I told her I was going to start doing my homework downstairs so I dont get distracted as much. And I was down there and did a few math problems. Then I had to think hard about one, and I sat there thinking. Soon enough, my mind drifted. I was thinkin about my grades. I was thinkin about how i dont even have to look at them, I know they are pretty shitty for starters. If i dared to look, I'd prolly start bawling my eyes out of shame. Then I would hate myself. But I already sort of do because I put this all on myself.

I ended up laying on the floor thinking about everything. And I fell asleep. Cuz thats all I do: something else, space, or sleep. I was really tired though. I wait so long to do my homework, I end up finishing it in the wee hours of the morning and on the bus. I set myself up for this.
My ma saw me asleep and shunned me. She told me to do my homework. I felt really bad because I did it again. So I tried again and I finished my homework. My friend wanted to hang out at 7 but I said no. I have to say no, I need to buckle down.

Then I read and I fell asleep again. I dont know why im so damn sleepy. I got a phone call. I never really get phonecalls so that was startling. My ma caught me sleeping again. I felt bad again. I wish I didnt have to sleep. I was really short with my friend and I felt bad because I havent heard from them in a few weeks.

Back to the discussion with the rents, I told them how I've been struggling with concentration and focusing. I asked if I could get an appointment to get tested if I had ADD or ADHD. I want to know so I could atleast know why Im this way. I want some answers. They said I was fine and that I was naturally hyper and crazy. I told them its not that, its my focusing. Now my pop is not one to go to doctors. He said I was fine. But my ma, she believes in doctors. She was my only hope in getting tested. Then she even turned on me and said it was everyone else putting it into my head I could have ADD. I started crying because what else is there to do? You try to get guidence from your parents and they deny you.

This wasnt the first time. Last year they did. I was a complete wreck. My guidence counsler tested me and I was on the brink of depression. I was not a happy camper last fall, I was in fact miserable. Nothing was right. I wasnt even right. I kept going to my counsler for help and I had to get my parents involved too even though I didnt want to. Stennett said I should get some outside counsling as well. She told my parents too. My dad asked me if I really needed counsling one night, and I told him that if he thought I needed it, I would get it. If only you knew the reason why the thought of me getting counling came up, you would understand how hurt I was when they did absolutely nothing. After that day, the day my whole dark part of my life was opened up and shown to them...life went on. Like nothing ever happened. Not that I minded, I was ashamed of it anyway. But my fucking life was on the line for a while, and I had to fucking save MYSELF from MYSELF. They never helped me. They never even got me help. All I had was myself and my friends.

So when they pulled the "oh nothing is wrong with you. How do you think you go by before? You are perfectly fine" crap on me again, I just cried. I dont know what the hell is wrong with me, but I know Im not fine. I cant even think straight and Ive never done drugs or gotten drunk in my life. I've had wine before in france, but that was only to make my godmother happy. And the amount I drank could fit into a shotglass prolly. Why do it? I know all the side effects. My family does it enough anyway. I've wanted to be a designated driver since I was little. When you ma has a hang over on christmas day, it kind of kills drinking for you. The christmas mood kind of dessipates when your scared your mom is going to die from alcohol poisoning.

Now that I dont even need counsling really anymore, I just need a test. I just want to see if I have it, just so I would know its not my fault if I did have it. I would know Im not just a stupid slacker and I am a good student. They dont even have to get me the medicine. My dad would probably make me be in eternal debt for him, just for shelling out money for whatever I may need if I do have it. He hates medicine and doctors. My ma just doesnt like the fact she has 2 daughters with problems.

Which leads me to this. After watching Butterfly Effect one night, we discussed it. And I asked her if she would change anything like in the movie. We got to talking about my sister. She was a riot. My ma is always stressed from her because she is so determined to live on her own when she isnt even ready. She doesnt have much will or much sense. Smart, but not applying it. She was a handful for my ma. And then 7 years later, I pop up. She said I wasnt a mistake or anything, but more like a second chance. That killed me. She said I was everything she wanted in a baby because I like to cuddle and I would listen to her talk and just listen intently. She said she worked really hard on doing a better job raising me, and she realized she kinda pushed my sister over to the side in doing so, just because I was easier to work with. That killed me even more. I felt like the problem. I felt absolutely terrible. But I couldnt show it because my ma already felt terrible. Thats what she said she would change, raising my sister. Because she would just let her be and just stopped trying with her. Then when I came along, I was her second chance, and she was so happy. Everything in my childhood all started to piece together, I finally was understanding why there has been that hate from her. She hated me since I was born because mom pushed her aside to try again and do better. She let me off the hook when my sister never was. She was less strict with me. She made life easier for me when hers was harder. I was the flippin problem.

The other thing was, my ma never had sisters. So when she had kids, she treated us like sisters. Which led to backstabbing. She would tell my sister something bad about me, and my sister would tell me to make me feel bad...but my ma would deny it. Then my ma would tell me something and I would tell my sister, and my ma would deny it. It was all like a sick joke of "but you told me blah blah blah..." Her and my sister would gang up on me and pick on me.

But that doesnt matter anymore. I dont care about that. What does matter is that my ma will refuse to admit anything is wrong with me because I was supposed to be the one that was okay. I was supposed to be the one that turned out alright. So now Im obligated to be this 'perfect' daughter because I am afraid Im just going to let them down, like my sister seemed to do. Even though I want to go to college, I feel I HAVE to because my sister started but dropped out. Now I feel I HAVE to go to college and graduate in order to get their praise. I just want them to be proud of me. But they can barely even accept me. They dont understand me or the way I dress, how I act, or anything. They just know me really well cuz they knew me all my life. I cant just strive for being a good student or anything, not on my own. I feel obligated to do it or else I will just be a failure in their eyes. Its so insane, you would not believe it.

So again, they drove me to tears. And from that, they realized how serious I was. I dont cry all that often so they have to bring me to tears in order to believe me. They said maybe I should try talking to Stennett about this. But I told them how I talked to her all last year, and even the advice she gives me and you for my benefit, you dont listen to. Like the outside counsling. Look where that got me? My pop obviously didnt think I needed it. Now I dont really think I need it anymore. But I dont even know. They began to feel bad, getting me to cry and all. So they said they would make me an appointment. My dad found a way to get a free referal...gosh the cheap bastard. I bet if I needed a liver transplant, he would try and deal with the guys, find some liver transplant COUPON or discount before he would ever get me one. I swear, if I were to die before him, he would bury me in the garden and have my tombstone be a fucking rock with my name on it. Like a flippin pet cemetary. He really knows how to make me feel worthless.

After that, I didnt even want to talk to anyone. Mom, dad, no one. I just did my homework the rest of the night. Then at 9, I went up to my room and went to bed. I didnt even put my jammies on. I just went to bed.

Today, I felt it necessary to tell my teachers that I really am a good student, I am just kinda going through a transition...might have ADD but that is no excuse and that I would get my work it nonetheless. I told my English teacher what was up, because she has been worried. She says she can tell im a good student, I just need help getting it out. I told her about the ADD. Gosh it was so crazy, she treated me like I had cancer. She says things are very different then. I guess you get special attention and all, loop holes...when you have ADD. I felt like crying again. Now I need loop holes. I have never been more ashamed in my life.

It's terrible when you know you should be doing something, but you just cant seem to do it. I know I have to do my homework when I get home. I KNOW it. And when I am doing something else, I KNOW I have to do my homework. Its not like I dont care. I never cared so much in my life. Now I may need medicine and special attention...flipping loop holes...ugh. Why cant I just be normal? Im already unique enough as myself, why cant i just be a normal student that can thing straight? Why cant I think about the things I HAVE to think about? Why can't I focus on things I need to focus on?

I was even going to have my mom start grounding me. Im not even a bad kid! Id have her ground me for doing nothing wrong, just so I would have to stay home. That's pathetic. Seriously. Just shoot me now, please...I have never been this udderly pathetic in my life.

All I want to do is focus. I want to be able to pick something like math, and stick to it. I want to stick to that one thing till I finish it. Then do the next thing till I finish it.

Today on the bus, I was so enthralled in my thoughts on the bus home, I almost missed my stop. I was just looking out the window, thinking about all this. About how I almost started crying telling my English teacher about how sorry I was for seeming like such a slacker. I thought about how she asked me if there was any way she could help me, and I didnt know what she could do. Its me and my stupid brain. I just cant concentrate or focus or anything. Its not her fault, how can she fix it? But she offered, and I just wanted to cry.

Loop holes. And here I hated the kid who had ADD in my class because he always used it as an sorry excuse. And it always was, he would just say he forgot to take his medicine. I would get so mad because he should just take his goddam medicine. But he didnt, and he would act up during class and be a jerk. Then just say "Oh, I forgot to take my medicine." Now I might have to use that line. "Im sorry, I might have ADD" gosh...I would just slap me if I said that. That is no excuse. Ughhhhhhh why cant I just think straight?

What I have been doing besides trying to organize myself and get checked out, I've been working out like mad. I kind of punish myself that way. Not that exercising is bad, I just work myself till I feel like Im going to pass out. Its my way of like "Take that, thats what you get for messing me up" Ive improved in running tho. 9:18 mile. I punished myself by running really hard the whole time because i dont like running. But then I walked a curve. And I got mad at myself again. Then I was on the bikes today. I biked 2 miles and burned 50 calories. And I kept upping the level so it got harder and harder because I was so angry at myself. It hurt so bad but I was okay with it.

Sick twisted way to live. At least Im proactive. I havent regressed yet. So thats something to be proud of. What the hell, im getting healthier from it too. Might as well keep on keepin on. I hope I get fixed soon, whether it takes my work or a doctor's. I just want to be fixed.

Jenny at 9:28 PM

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her smiling eyes
this is your cue. smile.
Friday, September 24, 2004 High lights and low lights This week was pretty weird. Sometimes things could be so good and so bad at the same time. I was so happy and so sad at the same time. You think it would be a balanced even, but it really messes you up. I had no idea whether I should be happier or sadder this week. So I was just kind of there...floating around... I had a great day each day this week, I was always smiling. But when I would have time to think, I would want to cry. I am not doing so good in school for the start. I know it's only the beginning, but it's taking a hell of a lot out of me to get out of this summer mode. My grades are suffering. I am really ashamed of myself. I mean it. I almost feel like joining a military school or something. I have really nice teachers that really try and teach, they really try and make it so it's interesting and fun to learn. And it is, I know it is. I feel like I am slacking, freeloading, just terrible. I am thinking about my future...being a hobo...just floating around with no purpose. I feel so incredibly stupid. We barely even started school yet. Somebody needs to like punch me or something. The thing is, I have always had trouble focusing. But I could get by before. It just seems to keep getting worse though. I find myself either spacing, sleeping, or doing something out of the ordinary instead of my responsibilites. Like homework for example. I will get home and get all my homework out and lay it out right in front of me. I am one of those people who has to see all of what they have to do so they dont forget. So it's all layed out in front of me, and then I just can't do it. I can look at it for HOURS and not do it. In fact, I could probably write a whole book instead. I can do just about anything else BUT it. Hell, I'd even do laundry or like flippin weave a basket. It used to be that I would only have to be completely clean before I could focus. Like if I was writing a paper and I didnt shower yet or get dressed, I would have to do all that...get dressed...dry my hair...EVERYTHING, just so I wouldnt get distracted by it. Now I still even do that, but then I like clean the space all around me. Then I think of everything else that isnt clean. I have even started cleaning my room. But then I would think about my homework and how i have to do it. So I would just sit there and wonder which I should do first, clean my room or do my homework. Either one I did, I would be haunted by the other. I just cant focus for the life of me. Everything else just crowds my mind. Not that I mind, but I cant let that happen. Before school, I think about what will happen throughout today. During school, I'll think about what has happened so far or something random like if cotton mouth and dry mouth are the same thing. The sad thing is, it's been on my mind for about the whole week. Then afterschool, I will think about all that has happened during school. And I will just constantly be thinking about the past and the future but never the present. I only think about the present when something nice is happening, like a good time with a friend or a good movie. But otherwise, I am just constantly thinking about EVERYTHING...and when it comes to homework, there is just no room to consentrate on it. I brought this up to my ma and dad at dinner. I told her I was going to start doing my homework downstairs so I dont get distracted as much. And I was down there and did a few math problems. Then I had to think hard about one, and I sat there thinking. Soon enough, my mind drifted. I was thinkin about my grades. I was thinkin about how i dont even have to look at them, I know they are pretty shitty for starters. If i dared to look, I'd prolly start bawling my eyes out of shame. Then I would hate myself. But I already sort of do because I put this all on myself. I ended up laying on the floor thinking about everything. And I fell asleep. Cuz thats all I do: something else, space, or sleep. I was really tired though. I wait so long to do my homework, I end up finishing it in the wee hours of the morning and on the bus. I set myself up for this. My ma saw me asleep and shunned me. She told me to do my homework. I felt really bad because I did it again. So I tried again and I finished my homework. My friend wanted to hang out at 7 but I said no. I have to say no, I need to buckle down. Then I read and I fell asleep again. I dont know why im so damn sleepy. I got a phone call. I never really get phonecalls so that was startling. My ma caught me sleeping again. I felt bad again. I wish I didnt have to sleep. I was really short with my friend and I felt bad because I havent heard from them in a few weeks. Back to the discussion with the rents, I told them how I've been struggling with concentration and focusing. I asked if I could get an appointment to get tested if I had ADD or ADHD. I want to know so I could atleast know why Im this way. I want some answers. They said I was fine and that I was naturally hyper and crazy. I told them its not that, its my focusing. Now my pop is not one to go to doctors. He said I was fine. But my ma, she believes in doctors. She was my only hope in getting tested. Then she even turned on me and said it was everyone else putting it into my head I could have ADD. I started crying because what else is there to do? You try to get guidence from your parents and they deny you. This wasnt the first time. Last year they did. I was a complete wreck. My guidence counsler tested me and I was on the brink of depression. I was not a happy camper last fall, I was in fact miserable. Nothing was right. I wasnt even right. I kept going to my counsler for help and I had to get my parents involved too even though I didnt want to. Stennett said I should get some outside counsling as well. She told my parents too. My dad asked me if I really needed counsling one night, and I told him that if he thought I needed it, I would get it. If only you knew the reason why the thought of me getting counling came up, you would understand how hurt I was when they did absolutely nothing. After that day, the day my whole dark part of my life was opened up and shown to them...life went on. Like nothing ever happened. Not that I minded, I was ashamed of it anyway. But my fucking life was on the line for a while, and I had to fucking save MYSELF from MYSELF. They never helped me. They never even got me help. All I had was myself and my friends. So when they pulled the "oh nothing is wrong with you. How do you think you go by before? You are perfectly fine" crap on me again, I just cried. I dont know what the hell is wrong with me, but I know Im not fine. I cant even think straight and Ive never done drugs or gotten drunk in my life. I've had wine before in france, but that was only to make my godmother happy. And the amount I drank could fit into a shotglass prolly. Why do it? I know all the side effects. My family does it enough anyway. I've wanted to be a designated driver since I was little. When you ma has a hang over on christmas day, it kind of kills drinking for you. The christmas mood kind of dessipates when your scared your mom is going to die from alcohol poisoning. Now that I dont even need counsling really anymore, I just need a test. I just want to see if I have it, just so I would know its not my fault if I did have it. I would know Im not just a stupid slacker and I am a good student. They dont even have to get me the medicine. My dad would probably make me be in eternal debt for him, just for shelling out money for whatever I may need if I do have it. He hates medicine and doctors. My ma just doesnt like the fact she has 2 daughters with problems. Which leads me to this. After watching Butterfly Effect one night, we discussed it. And I asked her if she would change anything like in the movie. We got to talking about my sister. She was a riot. My ma is always stressed from her because she is so determined to live on her own when she isnt even ready. She doesnt have much will or much sense. Smart, but not applying it. She was a handful for my ma. And then 7 years later, I pop up. She said I wasnt a mistake or anything, but more like a second chance. That killed me. She said I was everything she wanted in a baby because I like to cuddle and I would listen to her talk and just listen intently. She said she worked really hard on doing a better job raising me, and she realized she kinda pushed my sister over to the side in doing so, just because I was easier to work with. That killed me even more. I felt like the problem. I felt absolutely terrible. But I couldnt show it because my ma already felt terrible. Thats what she said she would change, raising my sister. Because she would just let her be and just stopped trying with her. Then when I came along, I was her second chance, and she was so happy. Everything in my childhood all started to piece together, I finally was understanding why there has been that hate from her. She hated me since I was born because mom pushed her aside to try again and do better. She let me off the hook when my sister never was. She was less strict with me. She made life easier for me when hers was harder. I was the flippin problem. The other thing was, my ma never had sisters. So when she had kids, she treated us like sisters. Which led to backstabbing. She would tell my sister something bad about me, and my sister would tell me to make me feel bad...but my ma would deny it. Then my ma would tell me something and I would tell my sister, and my ma would deny it. It was all like a sick joke of "but you told me blah blah blah..." Her and my sister would gang up on me and pick on me. But that doesnt matter anymore. I dont care about that. What does matter is that my ma will refuse to admit anything is wrong with me because I was supposed to be the one that was okay. I was supposed to be the one that turned out alright. So now Im obligated to be this 'perfect' daughter because I am afraid Im just going to let them down, like my sister seemed to do. Even though I want to go to college, I feel I HAVE to because my sister started but dropped out. Now I feel I HAVE to go to college and graduate in order to get their praise. I just want them to be proud of me. But they can barely even accept me. They dont understand me or the way I dress, how I act, or anything. They just know me really well cuz they knew me all my life. I cant just strive for being a good student or anything, not on my own. I feel obligated to do it or else I will just be a failure in their eyes. Its so insane, you would not believe it. So again, they drove me to tears. And from that, they realized how serious I was. I dont cry all that often so they have to bring me to tears in order to believe me. They said maybe I should try talking to Stennett about this. But I told them how I talked to her all last year, and even the advice she gives me and you for my benefit, you dont listen to. Like the outside counsling. Look where that got me? My pop obviously didnt think I needed it. Now I dont really think I need it anymore. But I dont even know. They began to feel bad, getting me to cry and all. So they said they would make me an appointment. My dad found a way to get a free referal...gosh the cheap bastard. I bet if I needed a liver transplant, he would try and deal with the guys, find some liver transplant COUPON or discount before he would ever get me one. I swear, if I were to die before him, he would bury me in the garden and have my tombstone be a fucking rock with my name on it. Like a flippin pet cemetary. He really knows how to make me feel worthless. After that, I didnt even want to talk to anyone. Mom, dad, no one. I just did my homework the rest of the night. Then at 9, I went up to my room and went to bed. I didnt even put my jammies on. I just went to bed. Today, I felt it necessary to tell my teachers that I really am a good student, I am just kinda going through a transition...might have ADD but that is no excuse and that I would get my work it nonetheless. I told my English teacher what was up, because she has been worried. She says she can tell im a good student, I just need help getting it out. I told her about the ADD. Gosh it was so crazy, she treated me like I had cancer. She says things are very different then. I guess you get special attention and all, loop holes...when you have ADD. I felt like crying again. Now I need loop holes. I have never been more ashamed in my life. It's terrible when you know you should be doing something, but you just cant seem to do it. I know I have to do my homework when I get home. I KNOW it. And when I am doing something else, I KNOW I have to do my homework. Its not like I dont care. I never cared so much in my life. Now I may need medicine and special attention...flipping loop holes...ugh. Why cant I just be normal? Im already unique enough as myself, why cant i just be a normal student that can thing straight? Why cant I think about the things I HAVE to think about? Why can't I focus on things I need to focus on? I was even going to have my mom start grounding me. Im not even a bad kid! Id have her ground me for doing nothing wrong, just so I would have to stay home. That's pathetic. Seriously. Just shoot me now, please...I have never been this udderly pathetic in my life. All I want to do is focus. I want to be able to pick something like math, and stick to it. I want to stick to that one thing till I finish it. Then do the next thing till I finish it. Today on the bus, I was so enthralled in my thoughts on the bus home, I almost missed my stop. I was just looking out the window, thinking about all this. About how I almost started crying telling my English teacher about how sorry I was for seeming like such a slacker. I thought about how she asked me if there was any way she could help me, and I didnt know what she could do. Its me and my stupid brain. I just cant concentrate or focus or anything. Its not her fault, how can she fix it? But she offered, and I just wanted to cry. Loop holes. And here I hated the kid who had ADD in my class because he always used it as an sorry excuse. And it always was, he would just say he forgot to take his medicine. I would get so mad because he should just take his goddam medicine. But he didnt, and he would act up during class and be a jerk. Then just say "Oh, I forgot to take my medicine." Now I might have to use that line. "Im sorry, I might have ADD" gosh...I would just slap me if I said that. That is no excuse. Ughhhhhhh why cant I just think straight? What I have been doing besides trying to organize myself and get checked out, I've been working out like mad. I kind of punish myself that way. Not that exercising is bad, I just work myself till I feel like Im going to pass out. Its my way of like "Take that, thats what you get for messing me up" Ive improved in running tho. 9:18 mile. I punished myself by running really hard the whole time because i dont like running. But then I walked a curve. And I got mad at myself again. Then I was on the bikes today. I biked 2 miles and burned 50 calories. And I kept upping the level so it got harder and harder because I was so angry at myself. It hurt so bad but I was okay with it. Sick twisted way to live. At least Im proactive. I havent regressed yet. So thats something to be proud of. What the hell, im getting healthier from it too. Might as well keep on keepin on. I hope I get fixed soon, whether it takes my work or a doctor's. I just want to be fixed. Jenny at 9:28 PM Comments: Post a Comment
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