Her Smiling Eyes

Wednesday, September 01, 2004

Today was ...today. Im really bummed out. I had a good day today...but like shit happens you know? I wasnt happy to get up this morning. But I was happy after I showered. I was really happy when I was on the bus, and when I got to school, the happiness lingered...and grew...lingered...and added on. I wasn't sad at all today. Then I came home and then this sadness like consumed me. I am like near tears now. What the hell? I had a good day =/

But enough of that for now, lets just think about the good. Earth Science we did our minute long speeches (i wrote that one beginning of class...hey...minute long...thats like a few sentences...). It was refreshing considering all that was expected of the other one (3-4 minutes...facts...opinions...confidence, etc). I advertised my one and only Jenny hat. Brendan's was funny lol. He makes that class so much more fun.

Algebra II we did some LETTERS and numbers. AB+CD=F+UCK... Apples and oranges, baby...letters and numbers should not be mixed. I understand for the most part, I can figure the shit out...but what the hell? Let's go through the whole flippin alphabet while we're at it...then put FRACTIONS into it. Ugh, it's bearable but ever so tedious. I have to like bend my brain.

Yearbook was interesting. Not really. Today was really kinda boring. REad and did our first worksheet. That shouldnt have to happen again lol. Way to kill a mood...busy-work WS.

F4L we did steps and weights. Wow, I never felt so good. Is it sick to love pain? Because I love a good work out...I especially love the pain that follows. It makes me feel like I worked really hard. Things dont seem that bad when you feel that pain. It kinda makes me feel stronger. Like I am toughing out this pain I worked out and recieved...this pain was actually my doing to better myself. Sometimes I push myself so hard, I come to believe I am punishing myself. Sometimes I just make myself so mad, I work it hard to pay it back. And the pain feels so good because it's like all my faults screaming out to me in agony "MERCY MERCY!" Is it sick to like that? I've just grown to accept pain and enjoy it. My rug burn? My fault...let it hurt, I must deserve it. Hmm.

Drama was fun =) I always look forward to that class. Anticipation throughout the day because whether Im having the worst day ever or I am simply curious to how happy I can actually get...I always have reason to be happy in that class. It helps that just seeing some of those people brightens my day, let alone having a whole class with them. We picked partners today for scenes and Manda is my partner. Our scene is actually a drama, which would be one of my first. But actually it has enough drunken humor in it to make it softer drama. So it's not like hardcore crying and seriousness. I get to play a drunk mother and Manda is my drunk daughter. And we get to sing cool songs and I have to get better at singing lol. I need to get rid of this shyness when I sing...cuz I just get all turtle like and want to retreat into my shell and sing. Haha im a dork. But i get to say douche bag and lots of other amusing things! Yayneat!!

And the most fun part about having sex in space would be the lack of gravity. You cant just have a room with gravity in it IN space. That would be like being on earth but in space. The lack of gravity heightens the fun in it. May be a challenge but hell I'd do it. Multiple times prolly lol. You can like ...bang in an orbit...and orgasm to the top of that rocket lol. Shit dude, this is hot haha. But I havent even banged on earth yet, any takers lol NO CHOWDER FOR YOU! CLAMS HAVE FEELINGS TOO!! (song is on...)

Lunch was crazy. We had the same size table...with a hell of a lot more people lol. It was cool though. I drew Brittany some pictures for her note and then Ward liked my doodle of myself. He said that if I were a cartoon, I would look just like that lol. So I drew him his own little Jenny cartoonized. I felt pretty nifty. THen I signed it, legible and illegible.

English was sleepy. I fell asleep. I woke up to being asked a question. I said Donny was sleepy. Then when i skimmed back a lil, I was able to contribute to the conversation. Donny is kinda like me in a way. Lacks motivation, direction, doesnt really know whats wrong with him. Not really understood by his parents. So I said all that and it was like I had a deep connection with Donny. I almost had hope that like maybe once I finished this story, maybe I would come to know myself better. Maybe some of my questions will be answered.

US history we watched the movie again. I read over my script and then nodded off. I took medicine today and it just kinda made me all weird. I would be jumpin outta my skin hyper, then dead tired.

I got home and my ma said how my dad is sad im 'growing up'. How he wants me to go up to the cabin but that's only so he can get his way. What happens when I get up there? Neglection. Everyone does their thing. Nobody really does anything together. We are all usually in a different area. And I end up reading and writing, going into my own little world of spacing out while listening to my music...alone. It's not just alone, it's alone with your family alone...in the middle of Wisconsin alone...know nobody at all alone...just an empty face in the crowd. I feel so isolated up there and seems to be able to come up this weekend. It's definately a whole different story with friends up there...then it doesnt even matter if whether family notices me or not. My dad goes up there just to work on fixing up the cabins, my mom goes up there to relax and the fucking TV in another location, and my gramma just cleans like a maniac. There is no one to just simply veg out with. No one to just sit on the dock and look at the lake with. Nobody has the time to appreciate life with me. Even my own family is too busy to play a board game or like stare at the lake...look for shooting stars... Gosh...I feel so much like Matilda. I just dont fit in.

I really dont wanna go up there but they are guilt tripping me. I know exactly whats gonna happen. And when it does, where would I go? Who would i talk to? Well, my notebook. But thats just ink and paper.
Please, if someone could just Jenny sit me, I would give you the world. Dinner and a show (show might just be me making an idiot outta myself lol), anything...(almost anything...sorry, I had to alter that just in case somethin crazy came up like "Kill so-and-so for me!" or something)

I feel so helpless right now. I just dont know what to do. I mean, I almost ran away this evening, just so that no one would be obligated to like worry or anything. I hate how I just cant stay home...I have to have a sitter. And Im thinkin that if I just ran away, no one would have to care who watched me of whatever. These are times when I hate myself. I hate that my parents have to care about me. Im not even worthy of it. I'm not a bad kid but im just so complicated. And they worry and care about me with all my complications and shit...and im not worth all that time and energy. I love the fact im cared about...but most the time I dont think im worth it. But they are obligated to care anyway because they are my parents. I hate being an obligation. I hate that they had such a fun life, then they had me and their fun had to stop.

Im going. Im tired of myself.

I love you all

Jenny at 6:23 PM

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her smiling eyes
this is your cue. smile.
Wednesday, September 01, 2004 Today was ...today. Im really bummed out. I had a good day today...but like shit happens you know? I wasnt happy to get up this morning. But I was happy after I showered. I was really happy when I was on the bus, and when I got to school, the happiness lingered...and grew...lingered...and added on. I wasn't sad at all today. Then I came home and then this sadness like consumed me. I am like near tears now. What the hell? I had a good day =/ But enough of that for now, lets just think about the good. Earth Science we did our minute long speeches (i wrote that one beginning of class...hey...minute long...thats like a few sentences...). It was refreshing considering all that was expected of the other one (3-4 minutes...facts...opinions...confidence, etc). I advertised my one and only Jenny hat. Brendan's was funny lol. He makes that class so much more fun. Algebra II we did some LETTERS and numbers. AB+CD=F+UCK... Apples and oranges, baby...letters and numbers should not be mixed. I understand for the most part, I can figure the shit out...but what the hell? Let's go through the whole flippin alphabet while we're at it...then put FRACTIONS into it. Ugh, it's bearable but ever so tedious. I have to like bend my brain. Yearbook was interesting. Not really. Today was really kinda boring. REad and did our first worksheet. That shouldnt have to happen again lol. Way to kill a mood...busy-work WS. F4L we did steps and weights. Wow, I never felt so good. Is it sick to love pain? Because I love a good work out...I especially love the pain that follows. It makes me feel like I worked really hard. Things dont seem that bad when you feel that pain. It kinda makes me feel stronger. Like I am toughing out this pain I worked out and recieved...this pain was actually my doing to better myself. Sometimes I push myself so hard, I come to believe I am punishing myself. Sometimes I just make myself so mad, I work it hard to pay it back. And the pain feels so good because it's like all my faults screaming out to me in agony "MERCY MERCY!" Is it sick to like that? I've just grown to accept pain and enjoy it. My rug burn? My fault...let it hurt, I must deserve it. Hmm. Drama was fun =) I always look forward to that class. Anticipation throughout the day because whether Im having the worst day ever or I am simply curious to how happy I can actually get...I always have reason to be happy in that class. It helps that just seeing some of those people brightens my day, let alone having a whole class with them. We picked partners today for scenes and Manda is my partner. Our scene is actually a drama, which would be one of my first. But actually it has enough drunken humor in it to make it softer drama. So it's not like hardcore crying and seriousness. I get to play a drunk mother and Manda is my drunk daughter. And we get to sing cool songs and I have to get better at singing lol. I need to get rid of this shyness when I sing...cuz I just get all turtle like and want to retreat into my shell and sing. Haha im a dork. But i get to say douche bag and lots of other amusing things! Yayneat!! And the most fun part about having sex in space would be the lack of gravity. You cant just have a room with gravity in it IN space. That would be like being on earth but in space. The lack of gravity heightens the fun in it. May be a challenge but hell I'd do it. Multiple times prolly lol. You can like ...bang in an orbit...and orgasm to the top of that rocket lol. Shit dude, this is hot haha. But I havent even banged on earth yet, any takers lol NO CHOWDER FOR YOU! CLAMS HAVE FEELINGS TOO!! (song is on...) Lunch was crazy. We had the same size table...with a hell of a lot more people lol. It was cool though. I drew Brittany some pictures for her note and then Ward liked my doodle of myself. He said that if I were a cartoon, I would look just like that lol. So I drew him his own little Jenny cartoonized. I felt pretty nifty. THen I signed it, legible and illegible. English was sleepy. I fell asleep. I woke up to being asked a question. I said Donny was sleepy. Then when i skimmed back a lil, I was able to contribute to the conversation. Donny is kinda like me in a way. Lacks motivation, direction, doesnt really know whats wrong with him. Not really understood by his parents. So I said all that and it was like I had a deep connection with Donny. I almost had hope that like maybe once I finished this story, maybe I would come to know myself better. Maybe some of my questions will be answered. US history we watched the movie again. I read over my script and then nodded off. I took medicine today and it just kinda made me all weird. I would be jumpin outta my skin hyper, then dead tired. I got home and my ma said how my dad is sad im 'growing up'. How he wants me to go up to the cabin but that's only so he can get his way. What happens when I get up there? Neglection. Everyone does their thing. Nobody really does anything together. We are all usually in a different area. And I end up reading and writing, going into my own little world of spacing out while listening to my music...alone. It's not just alone, it's alone with your family alone...in the middle of Wisconsin alone...know nobody at all alone...just an empty face in the crowd. I feel so isolated up there and seems to be able to come up this weekend. It's definately a whole different story with friends up there...then it doesnt even matter if whether family notices me or not. My dad goes up there just to work on fixing up the cabins, my mom goes up there to relax and the fucking TV in another location, and my gramma just cleans like a maniac. There is no one to just simply veg out with. No one to just sit on the dock and look at the lake with. Nobody has the time to appreciate life with me. Even my own family is too busy to play a board game or like stare at the lake...look for shooting stars... Gosh...I feel so much like Matilda. I just dont fit in. I really dont wanna go up there but they are guilt tripping me. I know exactly whats gonna happen. And when it does, where would I go? Who would i talk to? Well, my notebook. But thats just ink and paper. Please, if someone could just Jenny sit me, I would give you the world. Dinner and a show (show might just be me making an idiot outta myself lol), anything...(almost anything...sorry, I had to alter that just in case somethin crazy came up like "Kill so-and-so for me!" or something) I feel so helpless right now. I just dont know what to do. I mean, I almost ran away this evening, just so that no one would be obligated to like worry or anything. I hate how I just cant stay home...I have to have a sitter. And Im thinkin that if I just ran away, no one would have to care who watched me of whatever. These are times when I hate myself. I hate that my parents have to care about me. Im not even worthy of it. I'm not a bad kid but im just so complicated. And they worry and care about me with all my complications and shit...and im not worth all that time and energy. I love the fact im cared about...but most the time I dont think im worth it. But they are obligated to care anyway because they are my parents. I hate being an obligation. I hate that they had such a fun life, then they had me and their fun had to stop. Im going. Im tired of myself. I love you all Jenny at 6:23 PM Comments: Post a Comment
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