Her Smiling Eyes

Sunday, September 26, 2004

I woke up new. I woke up to Megggily's voice actually, which was nice. I didnt mind waking up then. I talked to her and Courtney for a while. My day started out swell.

I talked to Carly. It seemed like months since we last talked, I think it was my little kid-ness. I can regress into such a little kid so easily, temper tantrums and walking around pouting. It fades so quickly though, my silly little fits. I can't stay mad or anything for long. I can be such a dork. What are ya gonna do? So it was extra extra nice talking to Carly, even though it was only a few days and not months. Ya never really realize how much ya talk to someone until you dont for a few days.

I talked to Matt too. We made plans for today. But I had to go according to my current plans, which was to : shower, do my homework, go to walgreens to get Black Crows, go to visit grampa, then come home and call Matt. So I did just that.

I swear, my ma and I kinda complete each other when it comes to the creative thought process. Or even just the thought process. So the plan was to go to Walgreens and get the Black Crows because they are grampa's favorite, then put them in a container to put on his grave so that he can have them and ants cant. Well, she went as far as thinking to put tape on the top so I can write my own special note to him. Wow, that woman. What would we do without each other? She blew me away with that idea. We were so psyched to go and do this. I have never been so excited to go to a cemetary! It wasnt even like i was going to one, it was just like i was going to visit grampa.

So I drove to Walgreens and we picked up a box of Black Crows licorice dots (he always loved black licorice and Black Crows). All the way there, we were speaking of fond memories and laughing. When we arrived, I pulled into Millburn cemetary with the biggest smile on my face. He saw me driving. He saw me pull in and park all nicely. I had the biggest smile imaginable for a cemetary. It seriously felt like I was going to see him in person though. I stopped the car and I put the tape on the top of the lid. I wrote my little note that was something of this sort:

Hey Grampa! Today is a celebration of life! At least I think it is. Each
time this day comes along, I celebrate your life, because it is quite the
celebration! I still wish I could have said goodbye to you, but I have come
to understand that it makes no difference. I never wanted to say goodbye to
you anyhow. Nevertheless, I know you are still with me, in some shape or
form...my heart. I love you so much. Love, Jenny

Chyea, thats a lot to go on a little Take Control butter tub, but I fit it all
in. Then I poured half the box of Black Crows in the tub and sealed it. It's
amazing how the smell of black licorice can affect you so much. Well, me at
least. I smelled the potent smell of black licorice, and for once, I loved it. I
could feel my grampa inside of me, inside my heart.

I could feel myself getting emotional so I was trying to work fast. I got out of the car and put it rightnext to his little porceline watch dog, to watch over his precious black licorice. And I pulled all the little weeds and stuff out of the way, making it all neat and pretty. And I brushed all the grass clippings off of his tombstone so it was all clean. I just kept touching it, I just kept touching the tombstone compulsivly, taking off every little piece of grass and such...I just kept
touching it. When I touched it, I felt that much closer to him. Especially
today. It was so powerful, like when i would touch the stone, it would be his
hand.

I got all choked up, for saying I wasnt gonna cry today because he wouldnt
want me to. It was just so powerful...especially today. It's been a while since
i've been there to visit. It felt like he was right there with me, really. Just
like he came right down from heaven to stand there with me for that visit and be
there...i felt him there. And I didnt know what to do, so i went to this little
waste bin to throw away what few weeds i had. I was actually running. I was
trying to flee that strong feeling of how much I miss him. I miss him so much
it's unbelieveable. I was trying to run away and deny it, but the emotions shown
through.

I just started to cry. And if my ma wasnt there, I just wanted to sit
there with him and cry. I wanted to talk to him more but I was too embarressed
about my crying. I was about ready to get one last glance and jump in the car
and go as fast as I could...hoping the faster I went, the faster the feeling
would dessipate on how much I missed him. The whole time I was there, it was
like he was right there with me. And you know, when you see or feel someone that
you havent been able to see or feel in a long time...that feeling of them being
there really reminds you how much you miss them.

Just like the black licorice. That smell was so potent...it's such a potent smell...and it brought me back to when I would pick out all my black jellybeans and put them in a little baggie for him. Not only on easter, I would purposely get them just so I could sort them and give him the black ones. It's such a habit now. Whenever I see black jelly beans, I put them in my pocket. One time I even ate one, just to experience the flavor he loved. I still didnt like it, but I felt closer to him.

It was such a nice day out. It was so beautiful. The sun was shining, it wasnt
too hot or too cold, just the weather he liked. His bird feeder was full, his
flowers were all nicely arranged, everything was beautiful. And luckily before I
jumped in the car to peel off, my ma asked me if I wanted to stay a little while
longer. She literally caught me in mid run for the car because she knew exactly
what I was gonna do. I was gonna run away again. But she stopped me. I knew too
I didnt wanna go so soon, I didnt wanna go at all...but I was so overwhelmed.
But she just held me there. I told her how it was different visiting him today,
and how proud i felt pulling up. Then she started crying. So we both just held
each other, crying, in the autumn wind. It wasn't sad though. It was beautiful.

We were sitting in the car a while, talkin about him and our memories...and I
was looking at this girl a few rows down. I saw her just go and sit down at her
loved one's tombstone. As far as I saw, she was by herself. And I thought to
myself, thats something I will do when I get my lisense. I want to come here and
sit and talk to him. I thought about that, and then miraculously, facing the
girl is a woman. And for thinking she was by herself, I thought it was magical.

You see, the way I thought of it was that as far as we saw, she was sitting
alone. But then, if you look very closely, she is not. The loved one she is
visiting is right there, sitting with here. So when I saw the woman sitting
right across from her, where the tombstone would be, I immediately thought that
I witnessed her loved one as an angel...keeping her company. You know, just like
me sitting infront of my grampa's tombstone, and its you looking from a far.
Then you look away mindlessly for a bit, and then you look back and see an old
man sitting in front of me. For a second you almost think it's my grampa coming
down to talk to me, in angel form. Except you're not really supposed to see him.
So when I saw that woman, I thought it was that girl's loved ones angel and I
was really moved. I watched her for a while. Just sitting and talking to the
angel. It could have just been her ma and i didnt see her come up and sit down,
but its more lovely to think of it as the angel keeping the girl company.

I might do a drawing of that. It really inspired me.

Then I drove home. I was still really emotional, I was still kinda crying too. I almost sat through a green light because I was thinkin about him. And I was happily going 5 over the speed limit, legally, and feeling the wind rush through the car. I felt alive.

Then I got home and called Matt and he came over. We walked to the beach and
talked for a while. Then we walked to the park and made a big sand castle that
ended up being more of a dungeon lol. I even made a lion's lair for the
sacrafices. We tried to swing into the dungeon pit of death we made, cuz if we
were to land in it, we would surely face plant into the sand.

After playing, we just sat on the play equiptment. We watched this squirrel intently for a while as I told him about the picnic and of my crazy family. Then he asked me out and I said yes. We kissed and he made this little squeel that was really cute. We
walked back to my house and watched rap videos lol. We ate ribs for dinner and
continued trying to decode the rap on TV. We discussed music videos and our
favorite commercials. We realized they go in a certain order : Nike, Double Shot
Espresso, hot thumbs cellphone commercial. Then we kissed some more, and it felt
really nice holding hands with him. We were very comfortable.

Then he had to go. So I cleaned some of the house and vegged out. I know im supposed to be tired, but i dont really feel it. Hmm...special

Jenny at 11:24 PM

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her smiling eyes
this is your cue. smile.
Sunday, September 26, 2004 I woke up new. I woke up to Megggily's voice actually, which was nice. I didnt mind waking up then. I talked to her and Courtney for a while. My day started out swell. I talked to Carly. It seemed like months since we last talked, I think it was my little kid-ness. I can regress into such a little kid so easily, temper tantrums and walking around pouting. It fades so quickly though, my silly little fits. I can't stay mad or anything for long. I can be such a dork. What are ya gonna do? So it was extra extra nice talking to Carly, even though it was only a few days and not months. Ya never really realize how much ya talk to someone until you dont for a few days. I talked to Matt too. We made plans for today. But I had to go according to my current plans, which was to : shower, do my homework, go to walgreens to get Black Crows, go to visit grampa, then come home and call Matt. So I did just that. I swear, my ma and I kinda complete each other when it comes to the creative thought process. Or even just the thought process. So the plan was to go to Walgreens and get the Black Crows because they are grampa's favorite, then put them in a container to put on his grave so that he can have them and ants cant. Well, she went as far as thinking to put tape on the top so I can write my own special note to him. Wow, that woman. What would we do without each other? She blew me away with that idea. We were so psyched to go and do this. I have never been so excited to go to a cemetary! It wasnt even like i was going to one, it was just like i was going to visit grampa. So I drove to Walgreens and we picked up a box of Black Crows licorice dots (he always loved black licorice and Black Crows). All the way there, we were speaking of fond memories and laughing. When we arrived, I pulled into Millburn cemetary with the biggest smile on my face. He saw me driving. He saw me pull in and park all nicely. I had the biggest smile imaginable for a cemetary. It seriously felt like I was going to see him in person though. I stopped the car and I put the tape on the top of the lid. I wrote my little note that was something of this sort: Hey Grampa! Today is a celebration of life! At least I think it is. Each time this day comes along, I celebrate your life, because it is quite the celebration! I still wish I could have said goodbye to you, but I have come to understand that it makes no difference. I never wanted to say goodbye to you anyhow. Nevertheless, I know you are still with me, in some shape or form...my heart. I love you so much. Love, Jenny Chyea, thats a lot to go on a little Take Control butter tub, but I fit it all in. Then I poured half the box of Black Crows in the tub and sealed it. It's amazing how the smell of black licorice can affect you so much. Well, me at least. I smelled the potent smell of black licorice, and for once, I loved it. I could feel my grampa inside of me, inside my heart. I could feel myself getting emotional so I was trying to work fast. I got out of the car and put it rightnext to his little porceline watch dog, to watch over his precious black licorice. And I pulled all the little weeds and stuff out of the way, making it all neat and pretty. And I brushed all the grass clippings off of his tombstone so it was all clean. I just kept touching it, I just kept touching the tombstone compulsivly, taking off every little piece of grass and such...I just kept touching it. When I touched it, I felt that much closer to him. Especially today. It was so powerful, like when i would touch the stone, it would be his hand. I got all choked up, for saying I wasnt gonna cry today because he wouldnt want me to. It was just so powerful...especially today. It's been a while since i've been there to visit. It felt like he was right there with me, really. Just like he came right down from heaven to stand there with me for that visit and be there...i felt him there. And I didnt know what to do, so i went to this little waste bin to throw away what few weeds i had. I was actually running. I was trying to flee that strong feeling of how much I miss him. I miss him so much it's unbelieveable. I was trying to run away and deny it, but the emotions shown through. I just started to cry. And if my ma wasnt there, I just wanted to sit there with him and cry. I wanted to talk to him more but I was too embarressed about my crying. I was about ready to get one last glance and jump in the car and go as fast as I could...hoping the faster I went, the faster the feeling would dessipate on how much I missed him. The whole time I was there, it was like he was right there with me. And you know, when you see or feel someone that you havent been able to see or feel in a long time...that feeling of them being there really reminds you how much you miss them. Just like the black licorice. That smell was so potent...it's such a potent smell...and it brought me back to when I would pick out all my black jellybeans and put them in a little baggie for him. Not only on easter, I would purposely get them just so I could sort them and give him the black ones. It's such a habit now. Whenever I see black jelly beans, I put them in my pocket. One time I even ate one, just to experience the flavor he loved. I still didnt like it, but I felt closer to him. It was such a nice day out. It was so beautiful. The sun was shining, it wasnt too hot or too cold, just the weather he liked. His bird feeder was full, his flowers were all nicely arranged, everything was beautiful. And luckily before I jumped in the car to peel off, my ma asked me if I wanted to stay a little while longer. She literally caught me in mid run for the car because she knew exactly what I was gonna do. I was gonna run away again. But she stopped me. I knew too I didnt wanna go so soon, I didnt wanna go at all...but I was so overwhelmed. But she just held me there. I told her how it was different visiting him today, and how proud i felt pulling up. Then she started crying. So we both just held each other, crying, in the autumn wind. It wasn't sad though. It was beautiful. We were sitting in the car a while, talkin about him and our memories...and I was looking at this girl a few rows down. I saw her just go and sit down at her loved one's tombstone. As far as I saw, she was by herself. And I thought to myself, thats something I will do when I get my lisense. I want to come here and sit and talk to him. I thought about that, and then miraculously, facing the girl is a woman. And for thinking she was by herself, I thought it was magical. You see, the way I thought of it was that as far as we saw, she was sitting alone. But then, if you look very closely, she is not. The loved one she is visiting is right there, sitting with here. So when I saw the woman sitting right across from her, where the tombstone would be, I immediately thought that I witnessed her loved one as an angel...keeping her company. You know, just like me sitting infront of my grampa's tombstone, and its you looking from a far. Then you look away mindlessly for a bit, and then you look back and see an old man sitting in front of me. For a second you almost think it's my grampa coming down to talk to me, in angel form. Except you're not really supposed to see him. So when I saw that woman, I thought it was that girl's loved ones angel and I was really moved. I watched her for a while. Just sitting and talking to the angel. It could have just been her ma and i didnt see her come up and sit down, but its more lovely to think of it as the angel keeping the girl company. I might do a drawing of that. It really inspired me. Then I drove home. I was still really emotional, I was still kinda crying too. I almost sat through a green light because I was thinkin about him. And I was happily going 5 over the speed limit, legally, and feeling the wind rush through the car. I felt alive. Then I got home and called Matt and he came over. We walked to the beach and talked for a while. Then we walked to the park and made a big sand castle that ended up being more of a dungeon lol. I even made a lion's lair for the sacrafices. We tried to swing into the dungeon pit of death we made, cuz if we were to land in it, we would surely face plant into the sand. After playing, we just sat on the play equiptment. We watched this squirrel intently for a while as I told him about the picnic and of my crazy family. Then he asked me out and I said yes. We kissed and he made this little squeel that was really cute. We walked back to my house and watched rap videos lol. We ate ribs for dinner and continued trying to decode the rap on TV. We discussed music videos and our favorite commercials. We realized they go in a certain order : Nike, Double Shot Espresso, hot thumbs cellphone commercial. Then we kissed some more, and it felt really nice holding hands with him. We were very comfortable. Then he had to go. So I cleaned some of the house and vegged out. I know im supposed to be tired, but i dont really feel it. Hmm...special Jenny at 11:24 PM Comments: Post a Comment
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