Her Smiling Eyes

Friday, October 08, 2004

Hmm...Im kinda bummed. I was lookin forward to something to look forward to this weekend and things arent really happening according to plan. It seems like everytime I have a long weekend, nothing really happens. I'm still lookin forward, but nothin seems to be coming into view.

My weeks seem to go by really fast. It's ironic. So far, school seems to be zooming by. After homecoming, it will be that much closer to halloween...and then comes november, then thanksgiving, then pops up december...ect. Everything seems to be flying by. I mean, sometimes its cool during the week because I am that much closer to the weekend...but then I begin to realize how the months seem to just roll by.

Sometimes I just want to pause. I want to pause everything, and just sit in the moment. There are so many times where I am enjoying myself but the time keeps flying by and soon enough, it's time to go. It reminds me of Garden State...the part where Zach Braff is on the plane...and all this chaos is happening all around him, the plane seems to be going through some insane turbulance...and everyone is freaking out and crying around him...everything is moving so quickly around him, like a blur...and he is just sitting there...looking forward.

Thats how I feel. Everything is moving so quickly around me, the sky could be falling, the ground could be corroding...and I am just walking around at my own casual pace. And I dont know if I am more stressed that I am moving at such a casual pace in such a quick paced world...or if it's just the fact the world is such a blur these days. Maybe the orbit has picked up speed causing the rotation to go at a faster pace than normal...with that maybe everyone is just picking up the pace as well.

Doesnt anyone remember this poem? :

Have you ever watched kids playing on a merry go round?
Or listened to rain lapping on the ground?
Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight?
Or gazed at the sun into the fading night?

You better slow down
Don't dance so fast
Time is short
The music won't last.

Do you run
through each day on the fly?
When you ask "How are you?"
Do you hear the reply?

When the day is done,
Do you lie in your bed
With the next hundred chores
Running through your head?

You'd better slow down
Don't dance so fast
Time is short
The music won't last.

Ever told your child,
We'll do it tomorrow
And in your haste,
not see his sorrow?

Ever lost touch,
Let a good friendship die
To busy to call and just say "Hi"?

You'd better slow down
Don't dance so fast
Time is short
The music won't last.

When you run so fast to get somewhere
You miss half the fun of getting there.

When you worry and hurry through your day,
It is like an unopened gift...
Thrown away...

Life is not a race.
Do take it slower,
Hear the music
Before the song is over.

I feel like the only one who took that to heart when I read it. I feel like I am standing right in the middle of a mall with a huge sale going on. Everyone is running by, plowing each other over...and Im just kind of there, standing calmly.

That's another thing, things dont seem to faze me anymore. Someone can completely run into me and I will either casually move out of the way just in time or get knocked into. And even then, it's doesnt matter. I was skating last week, and these kids were zooming around me...totally intimidating when they were weaving through my friends and I at high speeds...and I would just calmly move over or let them fly by...no worry whatsoever of being knocked over or anything. I felt so unaffected by most things. I swear, randomly during the day someone coulda hit me with a bat and I would be like "Hmm...I wonder where that bat came from?" and just brush it off. I cant even tell if I can feel physical pain anymore.

And I have been listening to this song by Modest Mouse that I really dig. I finally look up the lyrics and its just like...story of my life ya know?

WORLD AT LARGE
"Ice age, heat wave, can't complain
If the world's at large why should i remain
Walked away to another plan
Gonna find another place, maybe one i can stand
i move on to another day
to a whole new town with a whole new way
went to the porch to have a thought
got to the door, and again i couldn't stop
you don't know where and you don't know when
but you've still got your words and you've got your friends
walk along to another day
work a little harder, work another way
well uh-uh, baby, i ain't got no plan
well i'll float on, maybe would you understand
gonna float on, maybe would you understand
well i'll float on, maybe would you understand
the days get shorter and the nights get cold
i like the autumn but this place is getting old
i pack up my belongings and i head for the coast
it might not be a lot but i feel like i'm making the most
the days get longer and the nights smell green
i guess it's not surprising but it's spring and i should leave
i like songs about drifters, books about the same
they both seem to make me feel a little less insane
walked on off to another spot
i still haven't gotten anywhere that i want
did i want love, did i need to know
why does it always feel like i'm caught in an undertow
the moths beat themselves to death against the lights
adding their breeze to the summer nights
outside, water like air was great
i didn't know what i had that day
walk a little farther to another plan
you said that you did but you didn't understand
i know that starting over is not what life's about
but my thoughts were so loud i couldn't hear my mouth
my thoughts were so loud i couldn't hear my mouth
my thoughts were so loud
I know that starting over's not what life's about
But my thoughts were so loud I couldn't hear my mouth
My thoughts were so loud I couldn't hear my mouth
My thoughts were so loud"

Friday Night Delirium
And I sit alone on this Friday night
wondering what tomorrow will bring me
The night will end without a fight
I am undeniably happy for all you can see.

And I'm thinkin
bout the plenty of words left unsaid
Have I told you I love you?
Have I told you how much I meant it?

And I'm thinkin
where is everyone else?
Sometimes I feel like the only one left
drifting alone on this empty planet
This feeling comes about a lot
I can miss someone miles away,
right in front of me, or just in another room.

I'm moving so slowly, at a casual pace
Struggling so much to just get a glimpse of each passing face
Sometimes I wonder if I'll get left behind,
but then again I just take it as im losing my mind.

I'm tired, Im so tired
Im tired of all the dirastic change
Some friends I can cuddle
Some friends I am afraid I'll just be in their space
And I love and and I long
Affection over flowing all over the place
I feel that my feelings are written in pen on my face

Im so eager, Im so eager all the time
My heart beats so rapidly
the rhythm is causing me to rhyme
It's like im meeting everyone for the first time everytime
and that excited newness still remains the same

I dont know if that feeling is reciprocated
Im not a doctor, but Im looking a surgeon
Stitch me up, sew me tight, contents may explode
please help contain me

Tick, tick, tick
Im a time bomb ticking
tick, tick, tick
contents may explode
I'm just a time bomb ticking
ever so slowly
Trying to contain myself from eventually exploding

Breaking under stress...
feels like you're sitting on my chest
contents under pressure, contents under pressure
I'm sighing out all my air
Pin my lungs right to the floor
Take my air, make me gasp for more
Watch my heart sink right to the ground
You've got me beat, yet still making faint sounds
You beat my heart right into the ground
yet my heart's still beating on the ground

And I'm screaming into my own ears
I'm screaming and Im the only one who can hear
It's ringing inside my head
So loud, so loud, I missed what you just said
Im so sorry, I missed what you said
Im so sorry, could you please repeat it again?

I'm so tired
let me rest my head,
close my eyes, and go to bed

You run through my mind more than you'd know
And I get so exausted chasing you
But it will never show
If I slow down, will I ever catch up?
Keep going, keep pushing
It's worth it in the end
Soon enough we will walk side by side once again

-Jen (Friday, October 8th, 2004 - 10:07pm)

I don't know. I dont know anymore. I have feelings, must make them heard. This will all blow over soon enough. I will be fine. I always am. Time will heal all open wounds and make scabs turn into layers of meaningful scar tissue, each layer with a story behind it.

I love you.so much.words can't do it justice.

Jenny at 7:56 PM

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her smiling eyes
this is your cue. smile.
Friday, October 08, 2004 Hmm...Im kinda bummed. I was lookin forward to something to look forward to this weekend and things arent really happening according to plan. It seems like everytime I have a long weekend, nothing really happens. I'm still lookin forward, but nothin seems to be coming into view. My weeks seem to go by really fast. It's ironic. So far, school seems to be zooming by. After homecoming, it will be that much closer to halloween...and then comes november, then thanksgiving, then pops up december...ect. Everything seems to be flying by. I mean, sometimes its cool during the week because I am that much closer to the weekend...but then I begin to realize how the months seem to just roll by. Sometimes I just want to pause. I want to pause everything, and just sit in the moment. There are so many times where I am enjoying myself but the time keeps flying by and soon enough, it's time to go. It reminds me of Garden State...the part where Zach Braff is on the plane...and all this chaos is happening all around him, the plane seems to be going through some insane turbulance...and everyone is freaking out and crying around him...everything is moving so quickly around him, like a blur...and he is just sitting there...looking forward. Thats how I feel. Everything is moving so quickly around me, the sky could be falling, the ground could be corroding...and I am just walking around at my own casual pace. And I dont know if I am more stressed that I am moving at such a casual pace in such a quick paced world...or if it's just the fact the world is such a blur these days. Maybe the orbit has picked up speed causing the rotation to go at a faster pace than normal...with that maybe everyone is just picking up the pace as well. Doesnt anyone remember this poem? : Have you ever watched kids playing on a merry go round? Or listened to rain lapping on the ground? Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight? Or gazed at the sun into the fading night? You better slow down Don't dance so fast Time is short The music won't last. Do you run through each day on the fly? When you ask "How are you?" Do you hear the reply? When the day is done, Do you lie in your bed With the next hundred chores Running through your head? You'd better slow down Don't dance so fast Time is short The music won't last. Ever told your child, We'll do it tomorrow And in your haste, not see his sorrow? Ever lost touch, Let a good friendship die To busy to call and just say "Hi"? You'd better slow down Don't dance so fast Time is short The music won't last. When you run so fast to get somewhere You miss half the fun of getting there. When you worry and hurry through your day, It is like an unopened gift... Thrown away... Life is not a race. Do take it slower, Hear the music Before the song is over. I feel like the only one who took that to heart when I read it. I feel like I am standing right in the middle of a mall with a huge sale going on. Everyone is running by, plowing each other over...and Im just kind of there, standing calmly. That's another thing, things dont seem to faze me anymore. Someone can completely run into me and I will either casually move out of the way just in time or get knocked into. And even then, it's doesnt matter. I was skating last week, and these kids were zooming around me...totally intimidating when they were weaving through my friends and I at high speeds...and I would just calmly move over or let them fly by...no worry whatsoever of being knocked over or anything. I felt so unaffected by most things. I swear, randomly during the day someone coulda hit me with a bat and I would be like "Hmm...I wonder where that bat came from?" and just brush it off. I cant even tell if I can feel physical pain anymore. And I have been listening to this song by Modest Mouse that I really dig. I finally look up the lyrics and its just like...story of my life ya know? WORLD AT LARGE "Ice age, heat wave, can't complain If the world's at large why should i remain Walked away to another plan Gonna find another place, maybe one i can stand i move on to another day to a whole new town with a whole new way went to the porch to have a thought got to the door, and again i couldn't stop you don't know where and you don't know when but you've still got your words and you've got your friends walk along to another day work a little harder, work another way well uh-uh, baby, i ain't got no plan well i'll float on, maybe would you understand gonna float on, maybe would you understand well i'll float on, maybe would you understand the days get shorter and the nights get cold i like the autumn but this place is getting old i pack up my belongings and i head for the coast it might not be a lot but i feel like i'm making the most the days get longer and the nights smell green i guess it's not surprising but it's spring and i should leave i like songs about drifters, books about the same they both seem to make me feel a little less insane walked on off to another spot i still haven't gotten anywhere that i want did i want love, did i need to know why does it always feel like i'm caught in an undertow the moths beat themselves to death against the lights adding their breeze to the summer nights outside, water like air was great i didn't know what i had that day walk a little farther to another plan you said that you did but you didn't understand i know that starting over is not what life's about but my thoughts were so loud i couldn't hear my mouth my thoughts were so loud i couldn't hear my mouth my thoughts were so loud I know that starting over's not what life's about But my thoughts were so loud I couldn't hear my mouth My thoughts were so loud I couldn't hear my mouth My thoughts were so loud" Friday Night Delirium And I sit alone on this Friday night wondering what tomorrow will bring me The night will end without a fight I am undeniably happy for all you can see. And I'm thinkin bout the plenty of words left unsaid Have I told you I love you? Have I told you how much I meant it? And I'm thinkin where is everyone else? Sometimes I feel like the only one left drifting alone on this empty planet This feeling comes about a lot I can miss someone miles away, right in front of me, or just in another room. I'm moving so slowly, at a casual pace Struggling so much to just get a glimpse of each passing face Sometimes I wonder if I'll get left behind, but then again I just take it as im losing my mind. I'm tired, Im so tired Im tired of all the dirastic change Some friends I can cuddle Some friends I am afraid I'll just be in their space And I love and and I long Affection over flowing all over the place I feel that my feelings are written in pen on my face Im so eager, Im so eager all the time My heart beats so rapidly the rhythm is causing me to rhyme It's like im meeting everyone for the first time everytime and that excited newness still remains the same I dont know if that feeling is reciprocated Im not a doctor, but Im looking a surgeon Stitch me up, sew me tight, contents may explode please help contain me Tick, tick, tick Im a time bomb ticking tick, tick, tick contents may explode I'm just a time bomb ticking ever so slowly Trying to contain myself from eventually exploding Breaking under stress... feels like you're sitting on my chest contents under pressure, contents under pressure I'm sighing out all my air Pin my lungs right to the floor Take my air, make me gasp for more Watch my heart sink right to the ground You've got me beat, yet still making faint sounds You beat my heart right into the ground yet my heart's still beating on the ground And I'm screaming into my own ears I'm screaming and Im the only one who can hear It's ringing inside my head So loud, so loud, I missed what you just said Im so sorry, I missed what you said Im so sorry, could you please repeat it again? I'm so tired let me rest my head, close my eyes, and go to bed You run through my mind more than you'd know And I get so exausted chasing you But it will never show If I slow down, will I ever catch up? Keep going, keep pushing It's worth it in the end Soon enough we will walk side by side once again -Jen (Friday, October 8th, 2004 - 10:07pm) I don't know. I dont know anymore. I have feelings, must make them heard. This will all blow over soon enough. I will be fine. I always am. Time will heal all open wounds and make scabs turn into layers of meaningful scar tissue, each layer with a story behind it. I love you.so much.words can't do it justice. Jenny at 7:56 PM Comments: Post a Comment
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