Her Smiling Eyes

Thursday, October 14, 2004

Yesterday I got my moon boots. That so made my day. They are whoa neat. I wore them off and on yesterday. I chased Ralph in the commons, it was friggin sweet dude =D

I wore my mod squad clothes that day. I love my checkered tie. It's fun to play with during class.

I played basketball in gym today. I was makin some pretty sweet 3 pointers. We played knock out with Ms. O. Dude, that woman kicks so much ass. Rummel worked out with us, but she never played games with us.

I got my rough draft back (the one that was a bitch to start and finally finish). I got a 21/25. She asked if she could have a copy to show the class. Heck yes! It made me feel really proud.

Today I wore my moon boots all day. Thats right, all day. Well, the only times I did not wear them were up and down the stairs. Or for gym. So most of the day. And I made it to each class on time. Positive: I didn't get in trouble once for wearing them and running around in them. SCORE! Negative: I am gonna be so flippin sore tomorrow because when you are hop/running in those things while carrying a big ass bag, your whole body tenses up and gets all tight and it hurts. Positive: I prolly shed some fat here and there in the process.

I wore mismatch clothes today. I like having themes everyday. It gives me ideas how to dress and yet still be unique.

It was fun kissing Matt in my moon boots because I was still bouncing so it was amusing =D

I didnt fall today. I nearly toppled over on people but I didnt fall completely.

I got to climb the big mounds in the back of our school. It was like king of the hill, it was so cool!

We had to run the mile today. I was 1st for 3/4 the mile. It was the first time I was ahead of everyone for that long. Then I walked half a curve, and 3 girls got ahead of me. I was really disappointed I caved again. It's just that my chest begins to hurt real bad. Last time it was a whole curve, only one though. This time it was only half a curve. So it's an improvement. I'm still insanely disappointed though. But I beat my last time. I went from 9:18 to 8:45. That's a little more than half a minute. I'm pretty impressed with how I am progressing. But I am still disappointed. You have no idea how many seconds you waste walking just that little bit. And when I walk, I walk Rummel style with some mad power walking skills. But I definately wasted a good 30 more seconds just that half a curve. Dammit. Maybe I could have gotten 8:15. I dont know...I walked again. But I walked less. Sigh...I'll keep practicing harder.

It felt good though, to beat my score again. That means I doubly beat my goal. O'Connor was really proud of me. She really pushes me and it really helps. She gives off this "Show yourself you can do it" attitude because she knows im always up for challenging myself. I know I didnt really have to run this time because she takes the best score, but I ran because I wanted to see how much better I could do this time. I'm always up for improving. And she's really motivational. She'll pep talk me as I run by and make me want to do really good so that she can be proud of me, so I can be proud of me, so I can tell my ma and she as well can be proud of me.

It means a lot when people are proud of me. Makes me feel like I've done something right for a change. Physically, I feel really fit right now. Mentally, I don't know. There's a lot of things happening mentally that clash and confuse me. That's not even counting school yet. With school it's obligations, complications, tidious work, and exaustion.

Right now, I can't find a median. Right now, I have two different personalities that refuse to collaborate and make a whole me. There are two seperate sides of me that are opposite. There is the outgoing, happy, goofy side...then there is the shy, sad, serious side. Night and day. That is what I consist of, night and day. And so far, I can't find a median. I can never be who I truly am because I can't mix that oil and water.

Lately Ive been feeling so sensitive, so vulnerable, just bummed out because I am dealing with all these new things. I've always known I had a goofy and serious side but I always embraced it. I have a little bit of both. But then some sides show more than others sometimes and really mess me up. I'm so off balance, I can't even maintain an even mood through out the day.

I have to unlearn so many habits (feeling unworthy, unwanted, plan making phobias, fear of imposing, not bottling up everything). Right now it seems so hard. Things that were even drilled into my head (like the fear of imposing) I have to unlearn. It's like being forced to forget how to tie your shoes. Some of these things just come so natural, just the way I think sometimes comes so natural...I can't really help it. I'm a very big people person, I really like being around people. I need to be around people. Whenever I am alone, I want to be around people. Or even just someone else. I hate being alone. I think way too much for my own good.

My psychiatrist brought up anxiety. I hate how there can end up being more wrong than the first considerations. Not only that but she says I'm really shy. Ironically enough, she said I try and cover up the shyness with my outgoingness. At first it didnt make sense, but I can see where she's coming from. It's kinda like when people pretend they dont care but they really do. At least that's how I see it.

There are just so many things that she is digging up, that WE are digging up...and I feel so vulnerable because onse you acknowledge them, you have to do something about them. So I am trying to be more open, more assertive, more...better. I am trying to keep consistant with my moods and such, maintain a high self esteem or try to grow a bigger one.

I'm trying, I really am. I am going all out in trying to improve myself. So far it's a slow paced project. But Im progressing. If anyone reads this, please be patient with me. I have to learn who I am all over again. I'm still trying to find/understand myself. Work in progress.

Other than all that jazz, I went out to dinner with Erin this evening. It was very nice, I really enjoy talking to her.

My ma got me Gatorade. It is my new inatimate love. Those electrolytes...man...they really regenerate you with happy goodness =D Nectar of life lol.

Rachel is still not at school. Since Friday. A week tomorrow. Where is she? I do not know. I left her a good long message though, saying that I miss her and hope she is still alive and well and for her to return to school so I can know she is still alive and well. I am really worried. A week...with no notice...
Please come back Rachello...I heart you!

Im really tired. Mentally and physically. Mostly mentally. Sigh.

I love you. More than you know.

Jenny at 10:41 PM

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her smiling eyes
this is your cue. smile.
Thursday, October 14, 2004 Yesterday I got my moon boots. That so made my day. They are whoa neat. I wore them off and on yesterday. I chased Ralph in the commons, it was friggin sweet dude =D I wore my mod squad clothes that day. I love my checkered tie. It's fun to play with during class. I played basketball in gym today. I was makin some pretty sweet 3 pointers. We played knock out with Ms. O. Dude, that woman kicks so much ass. Rummel worked out with us, but she never played games with us. I got my rough draft back (the one that was a bitch to start and finally finish). I got a 21/25. She asked if she could have a copy to show the class. Heck yes! It made me feel really proud. Today I wore my moon boots all day. Thats right, all day. Well, the only times I did not wear them were up and down the stairs. Or for gym. So most of the day. And I made it to each class on time. Positive: I didn't get in trouble once for wearing them and running around in them. SCORE! Negative: I am gonna be so flippin sore tomorrow because when you are hop/running in those things while carrying a big ass bag, your whole body tenses up and gets all tight and it hurts. Positive: I prolly shed some fat here and there in the process. I wore mismatch clothes today. I like having themes everyday. It gives me ideas how to dress and yet still be unique. It was fun kissing Matt in my moon boots because I was still bouncing so it was amusing =D I didnt fall today. I nearly toppled over on people but I didnt fall completely. I got to climb the big mounds in the back of our school. It was like king of the hill, it was so cool! We had to run the mile today. I was 1st for 3/4 the mile. It was the first time I was ahead of everyone for that long. Then I walked half a curve, and 3 girls got ahead of me. I was really disappointed I caved again. It's just that my chest begins to hurt real bad. Last time it was a whole curve, only one though. This time it was only half a curve. So it's an improvement. I'm still insanely disappointed though. But I beat my last time. I went from 9:18 to 8:45. That's a little more than half a minute. I'm pretty impressed with how I am progressing. But I am still disappointed. You have no idea how many seconds you waste walking just that little bit. And when I walk, I walk Rummel style with some mad power walking skills. But I definately wasted a good 30 more seconds just that half a curve. Dammit. Maybe I could have gotten 8:15. I dont know...I walked again. But I walked less. Sigh...I'll keep practicing harder. It felt good though, to beat my score again. That means I doubly beat my goal. O'Connor was really proud of me. She really pushes me and it really helps. She gives off this "Show yourself you can do it" attitude because she knows im always up for challenging myself. I know I didnt really have to run this time because she takes the best score, but I ran because I wanted to see how much better I could do this time. I'm always up for improving. And she's really motivational. She'll pep talk me as I run by and make me want to do really good so that she can be proud of me, so I can be proud of me, so I can tell my ma and she as well can be proud of me. It means a lot when people are proud of me. Makes me feel like I've done something right for a change. Physically, I feel really fit right now. Mentally, I don't know. There's a lot of things happening mentally that clash and confuse me. That's not even counting school yet. With school it's obligations, complications, tidious work, and exaustion. Right now, I can't find a median. Right now, I have two different personalities that refuse to collaborate and make a whole me. There are two seperate sides of me that are opposite. There is the outgoing, happy, goofy side...then there is the shy, sad, serious side. Night and day. That is what I consist of, night and day. And so far, I can't find a median. I can never be who I truly am because I can't mix that oil and water. Lately Ive been feeling so sensitive, so vulnerable, just bummed out because I am dealing with all these new things. I've always known I had a goofy and serious side but I always embraced it. I have a little bit of both. But then some sides show more than others sometimes and really mess me up. I'm so off balance, I can't even maintain an even mood through out the day. I have to unlearn so many habits (feeling unworthy, unwanted, plan making phobias, fear of imposing, not bottling up everything). Right now it seems so hard. Things that were even drilled into my head (like the fear of imposing) I have to unlearn. It's like being forced to forget how to tie your shoes. Some of these things just come so natural, just the way I think sometimes comes so natural...I can't really help it. I'm a very big people person, I really like being around people. I need to be around people. Whenever I am alone, I want to be around people. Or even just someone else. I hate being alone. I think way too much for my own good. My psychiatrist brought up anxiety. I hate how there can end up being more wrong than the first considerations. Not only that but she says I'm really shy. Ironically enough, she said I try and cover up the shyness with my outgoingness. At first it didnt make sense, but I can see where she's coming from. It's kinda like when people pretend they dont care but they really do. At least that's how I see it. There are just so many things that she is digging up, that WE are digging up...and I feel so vulnerable because onse you acknowledge them, you have to do something about them. So I am trying to be more open, more assertive, more...better. I am trying to keep consistant with my moods and such, maintain a high self esteem or try to grow a bigger one. I'm trying, I really am. I am going all out in trying to improve myself. So far it's a slow paced project. But Im progressing. If anyone reads this, please be patient with me. I have to learn who I am all over again. I'm still trying to find/understand myself. Work in progress. Other than all that jazz, I went out to dinner with Erin this evening. It was very nice, I really enjoy talking to her. My ma got me Gatorade. It is my new inatimate love. Those electrolytes...man...they really regenerate you with happy goodness =D Nectar of life lol. Rachel is still not at school. Since Friday. A week tomorrow. Where is she? I do not know. I left her a good long message though, saying that I miss her and hope she is still alive and well and for her to return to school so I can know she is still alive and well. I am really worried. A week...with no notice... Please come back Rachello...I heart you! Im really tired. Mentally and physically. Mostly mentally. Sigh. I love you. More than you know. Jenny at 10:41 PM Comments: Post a Comment
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