Her Smiling Eyes

Wednesday, December 15, 2004

Today was a really weird day. I was oblivious all day to the news I would soon hear after Amnesty...but yet it seemed like my weird mood foreshadowed it in a way. Call me crazy but it's happened before.

I was just extremely weird today. Sort of like I couldn't be completely happy or even completely content. It just seemed out of my reach. I would be 'normal' I s'pose for one moment, then suddenly I would get all quiet. Sometimes I would be in mid-thought and I would just lose it and become silent. It was really weird.

I didn't even know why this would keep happening. I wouldn't even realize how derastically my mood was changing. I would find myself acting like a little kid sometimes, hiding in my coat because I didn't know what else to do. I was just hiding and I didn't know what from or why.

Some of my friends said I looked scared. And I was a little, I just don't know why.
I was kinda frightened all day because I didnt know what was going on with me.

I got home, thinking about this, and then my mom came out of the living room...like she was waiting for me to get home. I was really startled because it was so weird, just like my day. She told me my granny died which was a definate punch in the stomach. It was expected in a way, considering she was so old and frail. I have been prepping myself for it so that maybe I could be ready. Yet the day comes and I am still blown away.

My fondest memories of her are back when I am really little. My mom and I would always go to her house to visit. My ma and her would drink coffee and talk, and I would sit on the floor and do puzzles. She also had this miniture president collection she would let me play with. Somehow, I would find amusement by putting the mini presidents into empty pill capsules. And then I would interchange them when I felt like it. I was an easily amused child.

She would always have on cheesy soap operas like As the World Turns or 60 minutes. Sometimes, my cousin would go there and visit with her mom, too. We would play outside with the lawn ornaments. We would ride the artificial deer. And we would always jump down the steps. I remember feeling really cool when I would jump from the highest one and not fall.

The kitchen was the grown-up talking area so I rarely was in there. But one time I was able to sit with them and I was learning how to write. She gave me a little notepad and pencil so I could practice. I remember writing about my cabin in Wisconsin and how I go there and swim. She would give me apple juice. She taught me how to do the wheel barrel. She always praised me for my manners by getting me new puzzles.

I remember when she started living in her old people apartment and how she would watch the same shows. Then she would watch the people coming in and out of the building because there was a special camera for that.

I remember at my uncle's Cub's party, my great aunt (one of my granny's daughters) asked her if she was pretty. And Granny said "Well, you don't want me to lie do you?" I dont think I will ever forget that.

I also remember the first time I was able to visit her in her old people home. It smelled really bad and some of the old people were yelling "help" at me like they were just about to be sucked into the gates of hell. I was so scared everytime I went there.

Only sometimes would she know my name. Others, she would ask who that girl was. Sometimes she couldn't hear me talk, but I would never want to raise my voice to her. I had that respect for her like I had for my grampa in a way.

I remember when I was first finding out that she was having trouble recognizing her family, I was really upset to visit her. I felt that it wouldnt technically be visiting if she didn't know it was me. But one time, my grandma said she asked about me. She said "Where is Jennifer?" and my grandma told her I was at school. And then she asked how I was and that was that.

Another time, I was there. I was telling her about my day and with what strength she had in her frail little hands, she grabbed mine and squeezed it. I stopped in mid-sentence and she said "Jenny". I started crying because I didn't even know that she was conscious enough to realize I was there, talking to her. She was always be so weak and so tired.

Once, I went with my family to visit her. I had a cold and I didn't want to go by her for fear I would give her my germs. My ma insisted I see her though, for it might have been the last time, and I put on these scrubs and gloves so my germs wouldnt come off. I stood at a distance anyhow.

The memories get sadder as time progresses because she would just get sicker and sicker. It was hard to see her slowly go like that.

But I have been thinking. With her passing, she will finally reunite with her husband and son. She will no longer be lonely. She will no longer have to live or suffer in that scary old people home. She will be in heaven, peering down at us. She will dance amongst the stars. She will be all around us. She has finally broke free of this material earth. She is capable of being at many places at once. She is strong again. She is playing yatzee and knitting upon a cloud. She is smiling. She is no longer in pain.

The wake will be hard. I am afraid I will cry. My ma doesn't want me to go to the funeral. She doesn't want me to miss school.

I wish I could have said good-bye. I will have to wait until I can say hello again. I never liked good-byes anyway. I always want to go with. I don't want them to leave me.

Is it bad I want to go with? That if I were to die tomorrow, I wouldn't really mind because I would be able to be with my grampas and granny again? Sometimes I don't want to wait. I miss them too much.

Especially my grampa. He is my best friend.

And once again, I mourn the loss of my loved ones.

Goodnight, my loves. Cherish your life and the life of those around you.

Jenny at 11:53 PM

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her smiling eyes
this is your cue. smile.
Wednesday, December 15, 2004 Today was a really weird day. I was oblivious all day to the news I would soon hear after Amnesty...but yet it seemed like my weird mood foreshadowed it in a way. Call me crazy but it's happened before. I was just extremely weird today. Sort of like I couldn't be completely happy or even completely content. It just seemed out of my reach. I would be 'normal' I s'pose for one moment, then suddenly I would get all quiet. Sometimes I would be in mid-thought and I would just lose it and become silent. It was really weird. I didn't even know why this would keep happening. I wouldn't even realize how derastically my mood was changing. I would find myself acting like a little kid sometimes, hiding in my coat because I didn't know what else to do. I was just hiding and I didn't know what from or why. Some of my friends said I looked scared. And I was a little, I just don't know why. I was kinda frightened all day because I didnt know what was going on with me. I got home, thinking about this, and then my mom came out of the living room...like she was waiting for me to get home. I was really startled because it was so weird, just like my day. She told me my granny died which was a definate punch in the stomach. It was expected in a way, considering she was so old and frail. I have been prepping myself for it so that maybe I could be ready. Yet the day comes and I am still blown away. My fondest memories of her are back when I am really little. My mom and I would always go to her house to visit. My ma and her would drink coffee and talk, and I would sit on the floor and do puzzles. She also had this miniture president collection she would let me play with. Somehow, I would find amusement by putting the mini presidents into empty pill capsules. And then I would interchange them when I felt like it. I was an easily amused child. She would always have on cheesy soap operas like As the World Turns or 60 minutes. Sometimes, my cousin would go there and visit with her mom, too. We would play outside with the lawn ornaments. We would ride the artificial deer. And we would always jump down the steps. I remember feeling really cool when I would jump from the highest one and not fall. The kitchen was the grown-up talking area so I rarely was in there. But one time I was able to sit with them and I was learning how to write. She gave me a little notepad and pencil so I could practice. I remember writing about my cabin in Wisconsin and how I go there and swim. She would give me apple juice. She taught me how to do the wheel barrel. She always praised me for my manners by getting me new puzzles. I remember when she started living in her old people apartment and how she would watch the same shows. Then she would watch the people coming in and out of the building because there was a special camera for that. I remember at my uncle's Cub's party, my great aunt (one of my granny's daughters) asked her if she was pretty. And Granny said "Well, you don't want me to lie do you?" I dont think I will ever forget that. I also remember the first time I was able to visit her in her old people home. It smelled really bad and some of the old people were yelling "help" at me like they were just about to be sucked into the gates of hell. I was so scared everytime I went there. Only sometimes would she know my name. Others, she would ask who that girl was. Sometimes she couldn't hear me talk, but I would never want to raise my voice to her. I had that respect for her like I had for my grampa in a way. I remember when I was first finding out that she was having trouble recognizing her family, I was really upset to visit her. I felt that it wouldnt technically be visiting if she didn't know it was me. But one time, my grandma said she asked about me. She said "Where is Jennifer?" and my grandma told her I was at school. And then she asked how I was and that was that. Another time, I was there. I was telling her about my day and with what strength she had in her frail little hands, she grabbed mine and squeezed it. I stopped in mid-sentence and she said "Jenny". I started crying because I didn't even know that she was conscious enough to realize I was there, talking to her. She was always be so weak and so tired. Once, I went with my family to visit her. I had a cold and I didn't want to go by her for fear I would give her my germs. My ma insisted I see her though, for it might have been the last time, and I put on these scrubs and gloves so my germs wouldnt come off. I stood at a distance anyhow. The memories get sadder as time progresses because she would just get sicker and sicker. It was hard to see her slowly go like that. But I have been thinking. With her passing, she will finally reunite with her husband and son. She will no longer be lonely. She will no longer have to live or suffer in that scary old people home. She will be in heaven, peering down at us. She will dance amongst the stars. She will be all around us. She has finally broke free of this material earth. She is capable of being at many places at once. She is strong again. She is playing yatzee and knitting upon a cloud. She is smiling. She is no longer in pain. The wake will be hard. I am afraid I will cry. My ma doesn't want me to go to the funeral. She doesn't want me to miss school. I wish I could have said good-bye. I will have to wait until I can say hello again. I never liked good-byes anyway. I always want to go with. I don't want them to leave me. Is it bad I want to go with? That if I were to die tomorrow, I wouldn't really mind because I would be able to be with my grampas and granny again? Sometimes I don't want to wait. I miss them too much. Especially my grampa. He is my best friend. And once again, I mourn the loss of my loved ones. Goodnight, my loves. Cherish your life and the life of those around you. Jenny at 11:53 PM Comments: Post a Comment
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