Her Smiling Eyes

Thursday, February 17, 2005

Well, I am comforted to know that I am extremely dependable in some areas...just not so much in others. The latter of the two is small but crucial. If only I could learn the things I actually wanted to learn about. Then I wouldnt mind doing the homework. I wouldnt even mind learning it, either.

My brain is growing up too fast for me. The logic for some things are at an all time low and I am having trouble chugging along when I know it is not absolutely necessary. Don't get me wrong at all, I absolutely LOVE learning..but I would save so much time if I learned all the things I want to learn right now rather than have to wait for some down time later in life.

I suppose it doesn't help that I have a variety of things I am interested in. But then again, it will broaden my horizons. I will know a lot of things in many different areas. I will be a wonderful conversationalist. I will probably have jobs in many lines of work because good lord, I can't just commit to one for the rest of my life. I'd like to experience them all.

But I know this for a fact. I will never stop writing. Whether I write children's books, a comedic writer (my ma had a more specific name for it...), or just simply write letters to my loved ones...I will always be consistant with that.

I have become a lot more interested in singing and I want to learn many instruments. I want to learn how to knit/crochet and I want to knit personalized sweaters for all of my loves. I want to perform and be recognized as that actress that shined on stage-whether it be what skills I have or just merely my character or charm alone. I want to learn how to dance. More specifically, I want to learn how to swing dance, break dance, and irish jig. I want to become a committed artist and learn how to draw and paint better. I want to set up a sheet of canvas and a tripod somewhere and just paint my soul out...bring color to the canvas just as mother nature did to the world. I want to practice my spanish, become more fluent and actually go to spain. I want to have a conversation with an old, wise native of the country and learn first hand about their history and culture...the differences between our two countries. I want to be a comedian by night so that I can entertain each worn out soul that comes to my show...I want to bring a smile to their weary face and help them forget all their woes if only for an hour or two. I want to meet a comedian that I adore and make them laugh whole heartedly. I want to get my handwriting analyzed from a specialist. I want to learn sign language and braille so then I can introduce myself to the deaf/hearing impaired and hold a conversation with them. Nothing will restrain me from talking to new people and everyone deserves a chance to have a spontaneous conversation. I want to get a plane ticket to somewhere, anywhere...and just fly there with not a speck of regret in my mind...I plan to just get up and go...spontaneously, to go to that random place..and once I get there, I will go to the smallest town and get coffee. I will talk to those in there and it would be simple conversation that may or may not go on to more deeper, intellectual conversation. I want to go into the city and people watch. I want to be in the peace-core for at least a year or two. I want brighten as many lives as I can. I want to make a difference. I want to buy and read all the books I wrote down that I found on psychology. I want to study the brain on every different angle. I want to be talking about something really indepth and then get interrupted by some random affection...and I don't want to finish that sentence.

Homer Simpson once said (surprisingly) that his dream in life is to reach all of his goals. That is exactly what I want to do. All up there...in a nutshell. And I feel like a typical human being...wanting, wanting, and wanting. But this is different. I want only for a better cause. Most of my happiness results from the wellbeing of others, whether is is from helping them or making them smile. Some 'wants' are simply my little personal goals before this life is over but nevertheless, I am still shooting for them.

Right now...I just want some reassurance. I am doubtful in so many areas in my life lately. And as much as I like to think I am behind the wheel and in control, I am really not. At least I know that my heart is in the right place, but my mind...it is elsewhere. My thoughts are running and they never cease.

I'm thrown off guard and I feel very vulnerable. If I could talk, I wouldn't even know what to say. I try not to care. But I do.

I'm leaving soon. I need a breather. Life tends to steal your last breaths.

Sigh, I like how I attempt to give this aura of toughness and this 'I don't give two shits' attitude when it is relatively obvious that I am nothing like that. I give many shits. I just don't have the guts to express exactly how much I care...it tends to show my weaknesses. Which leads to vulnerability. And I definately avoid that at all costs. Vulnerability to me is like someone dear to me juggling a glass (the glass signifying myself). At anytime, that glass could slip out of those hands and shatter to the ground...leaving me in pieces. Which has happened one to many times.

I've turned soft- like a chocolate candy in one's pocket.

Jenny at 9:23 PM

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her smiling eyes
this is your cue. smile.
Thursday, February 17, 2005 Well, I am comforted to know that I am extremely dependable in some areas...just not so much in others. The latter of the two is small but crucial. If only I could learn the things I actually wanted to learn about. Then I wouldnt mind doing the homework. I wouldnt even mind learning it, either. My brain is growing up too fast for me. The logic for some things are at an all time low and I am having trouble chugging along when I know it is not absolutely necessary. Don't get me wrong at all, I absolutely LOVE learning..but I would save so much time if I learned all the things I want to learn right now rather than have to wait for some down time later in life. I suppose it doesn't help that I have a variety of things I am interested in. But then again, it will broaden my horizons. I will know a lot of things in many different areas. I will be a wonderful conversationalist. I will probably have jobs in many lines of work because good lord, I can't just commit to one for the rest of my life. I'd like to experience them all. But I know this for a fact. I will never stop writing. Whether I write children's books, a comedic writer (my ma had a more specific name for it...), or just simply write letters to my loved ones...I will always be consistant with that. I have become a lot more interested in singing and I want to learn many instruments. I want to learn how to knit/crochet and I want to knit personalized sweaters for all of my loves. I want to perform and be recognized as that actress that shined on stage-whether it be what skills I have or just merely my character or charm alone. I want to learn how to dance. More specifically, I want to learn how to swing dance, break dance, and irish jig. I want to become a committed artist and learn how to draw and paint better. I want to set up a sheet of canvas and a tripod somewhere and just paint my soul out...bring color to the canvas just as mother nature did to the world. I want to practice my spanish, become more fluent and actually go to spain. I want to have a conversation with an old, wise native of the country and learn first hand about their history and culture...the differences between our two countries. I want to be a comedian by night so that I can entertain each worn out soul that comes to my show...I want to bring a smile to their weary face and help them forget all their woes if only for an hour or two. I want to meet a comedian that I adore and make them laugh whole heartedly. I want to get my handwriting analyzed from a specialist. I want to learn sign language and braille so then I can introduce myself to the deaf/hearing impaired and hold a conversation with them. Nothing will restrain me from talking to new people and everyone deserves a chance to have a spontaneous conversation. I want to get a plane ticket to somewhere, anywhere...and just fly there with not a speck of regret in my mind...I plan to just get up and go...spontaneously, to go to that random place..and once I get there, I will go to the smallest town and get coffee. I will talk to those in there and it would be simple conversation that may or may not go on to more deeper, intellectual conversation. I want to go into the city and people watch. I want to be in the peace-core for at least a year or two. I want brighten as many lives as I can. I want to make a difference. I want to buy and read all the books I wrote down that I found on psychology. I want to study the brain on every different angle. I want to be talking about something really indepth and then get interrupted by some random affection...and I don't want to finish that sentence. Homer Simpson once said (surprisingly) that his dream in life is to reach all of his goals. That is exactly what I want to do. All up there...in a nutshell. And I feel like a typical human being...wanting, wanting, and wanting. But this is different. I want only for a better cause. Most of my happiness results from the wellbeing of others, whether is is from helping them or making them smile. Some 'wants' are simply my little personal goals before this life is over but nevertheless, I am still shooting for them. Right now...I just want some reassurance. I am doubtful in so many areas in my life lately. And as much as I like to think I am behind the wheel and in control, I am really not. At least I know that my heart is in the right place, but my mind...it is elsewhere. My thoughts are running and they never cease. I'm thrown off guard and I feel very vulnerable. If I could talk, I wouldn't even know what to say. I try not to care. But I do. I'm leaving soon. I need a breather. Life tends to steal your last breaths. Sigh, I like how I attempt to give this aura of toughness and this 'I don't give two shits' attitude when it is relatively obvious that I am nothing like that. I give many shits. I just don't have the guts to express exactly how much I care...it tends to show my weaknesses. Which leads to vulnerability. And I definately avoid that at all costs. Vulnerability to me is like someone dear to me juggling a glass (the glass signifying myself). At anytime, that glass could slip out of those hands and shatter to the ground...leaving me in pieces. Which has happened one to many times. I've turned soft- like a chocolate candy in one's pocket. Jenny at 9:23 PM Comments: Post a Comment
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