Her Smiling Eyes

Wednesday, February 02, 2005

It's ironic that I was constantly drawing camels today of all days - hump day.
Except my camels weren't camels when silly people would assume I was drawing a camel.
Then, of course, they were strangely deformed goats due to excessive radiation given off by the goat owners microwave fetish.

Microwave fetish? Meh, more credible than a coat fetish...who the hell has a coat fetish anyway? Haha =)

Today was not so good. I didn't have a terrible day, it was just not so good. There are many things that made my day. But there are others that simply brought me down. I'll just get straight to the point of what is getting to me.

I went to JAM (a youth group thing) with one of my friends today. It was nice but I knew it'd be akward since I am not really religious at all and more importantly not even Christian - I'm barely even a Catholic because I'm not confirmed (or more so conformed). Anyhow, I am baptized and that means something. The last time I went to JAM was when politic and gay marriage rights were hot and heavy. And here they are, praising Bush and preaching arrogantly about gay rights to marriage.

I felt really uncomfortable because while everyone else was agreeing in unison, I was shifting in my seat internally screaming in disagreement. I got so angry, I wasn't moved at all by their preaching, and I did not fit in with their conformity.

I dont want to devote to a particular religion at all. I just want to be me and live my life. I want to think my thoughts freely and not have to second guess them due to the specific guidelines of a religion. I believe in God, and that's enough for me.

My only problem is that I just have so many questions. Who made God? How did God come to existance? Who made the devil? Is the devil like God in the sense that he just came to existance? Who came first? Before God made the world, what were His previous projects? Does He make extraterrestrials, too? Does He watch over the whole universe, as well? The list goes on...

Anyhow, I felt as though I needed some more hope in my life. So besides that fact that my friend insisted I tagged along, I realized I needed some sort of hope to get by. I've grown a slight tolerance to the fact that some people are ignorant and don't need to be listened to. So any bashing on my beliefs...no dice, dude.

It was an akward few hours. I didn't want to sing. I didn't want to participate in their moral activities. What made it even more akward was that this kid next to me would get so moved with all the spirit deep inside of him, he would reach for the sky and look as though he was sobbing along to the music. I felt very uncomfortable by him as I casually has my hands in my pockets and rocked back and forth on the balls of my feet. Alrighty then.

This is what kills me. I called my ma at a quarter to 9pm, hoping she would come to pick me up so Brittany wouldn't have to go out of her way. My ma flipped a shit at me as if I were asking her to bust me out of a prison ward or something.

And I know why she freaked out. I called during one of her shows. Well cry me a river.

I am quite sure that if I were to stand right next to the TV doing some crazy pose, my parents would still pay more attention to the TV. As much as I strive for attention, I will never recieve all of theirs. I will never bring the entertainment that box of wires brings.

And they will never keep me from becoming reclusive around them. No matter how much they try to warm up to me, I still get this cold, angry feeling inside. Sometimes I think that they didn't mean to be parents...it jsut happened. I sometimes feel that they arent my real parents, they are the generic parents or something. Or at least they just don't know how to be parents just yet, and are pretending to be parents but are more so adults with a parent-like nature. And with that, I begin to get this thought in my mind...that my parents don't actually love me- they are just following the laws of parenting. Do they want to love me or have to? Do they want to care or have to care?

All concluding to how I once again in my life feel insignificant. Just hearing my ma get so angry over something as small as merely picking me up...I was on the verge of tears. She never wants to pick me up. I sometimes think that she would rather leave me somewhere until someone else comes along and can take me home. I just feel...abandoned, alone, unheard. But the more extravagant I tend to be, the less they accept me as Jenny.

It's a never ending cycle with no hope for communication. We all live in seperate worlds in the same vicinity. Nothing could break my heart more than that.

This is why communication is so important to me. It is far too easy to lose touch.

My parents don't even know me. We are strangers who happen to know each other's history.

To connect the two stories in a way...I dont know. I just got torn up inside. And Brittany didnt seem to understand how much it actually tore me up inside...how I was trying to pull off this pissed off 'teen angst' nature so she wouldn't have to see how upset I was. I mean what's the use of that anyhow. It never does any good.

There is no point in crying. It only makes your face wet.

Sigh. On a lighter note, I saw Abby in the morning. I danced an irish jig on a table in yearbook. Alora Moora brought mashed potatoes in for us to eat in class. I biked 2 and a half miles on level ten in the cardio room. And I recieved my prize hug =)

I also borrowed Tilly and the Wall, which is my happy music of the evening.

I need happy.

I need a hug.

I think I will read The Blue Day Book and smile at all the silly aminal pictures.

"Take off that mask of tragedy-it's not your style..."

Jenny at 9:09 PM

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her smiling eyes
this is your cue. smile.
Wednesday, February 02, 2005 It's ironic that I was constantly drawing camels today of all days - hump day. Except my camels weren't camels when silly people would assume I was drawing a camel. Then, of course, they were strangely deformed goats due to excessive radiation given off by the goat owners microwave fetish. Microwave fetish? Meh, more credible than a coat fetish...who the hell has a coat fetish anyway? Haha =) Today was not so good. I didn't have a terrible day, it was just not so good. There are many things that made my day. But there are others that simply brought me down. I'll just get straight to the point of what is getting to me. I went to JAM (a youth group thing) with one of my friends today. It was nice but I knew it'd be akward since I am not really religious at all and more importantly not even Christian - I'm barely even a Catholic because I'm not confirmed (or more so conformed). Anyhow, I am baptized and that means something. The last time I went to JAM was when politic and gay marriage rights were hot and heavy. And here they are, praising Bush and preaching arrogantly about gay rights to marriage. I felt really uncomfortable because while everyone else was agreeing in unison, I was shifting in my seat internally screaming in disagreement. I got so angry, I wasn't moved at all by their preaching, and I did not fit in with their conformity. I dont want to devote to a particular religion at all. I just want to be me and live my life. I want to think my thoughts freely and not have to second guess them due to the specific guidelines of a religion. I believe in God, and that's enough for me. My only problem is that I just have so many questions. Who made God? How did God come to existance? Who made the devil? Is the devil like God in the sense that he just came to existance? Who came first? Before God made the world, what were His previous projects? Does He make extraterrestrials, too? Does He watch over the whole universe, as well? The list goes on... Anyhow, I felt as though I needed some more hope in my life. So besides that fact that my friend insisted I tagged along, I realized I needed some sort of hope to get by. I've grown a slight tolerance to the fact that some people are ignorant and don't need to be listened to. So any bashing on my beliefs...no dice, dude. It was an akward few hours. I didn't want to sing. I didn't want to participate in their moral activities. What made it even more akward was that this kid next to me would get so moved with all the spirit deep inside of him, he would reach for the sky and look as though he was sobbing along to the music. I felt very uncomfortable by him as I casually has my hands in my pockets and rocked back and forth on the balls of my feet. Alrighty then. This is what kills me. I called my ma at a quarter to 9pm, hoping she would come to pick me up so Brittany wouldn't have to go out of her way. My ma flipped a shit at me as if I were asking her to bust me out of a prison ward or something. And I know why she freaked out. I called during one of her shows. Well cry me a river. I am quite sure that if I were to stand right next to the TV doing some crazy pose, my parents would still pay more attention to the TV. As much as I strive for attention, I will never recieve all of theirs. I will never bring the entertainment that box of wires brings. And they will never keep me from becoming reclusive around them. No matter how much they try to warm up to me, I still get this cold, angry feeling inside. Sometimes I think that they didn't mean to be parents...it jsut happened. I sometimes feel that they arent my real parents, they are the generic parents or something. Or at least they just don't know how to be parents just yet, and are pretending to be parents but are more so adults with a parent-like nature. And with that, I begin to get this thought in my mind...that my parents don't actually love me- they are just following the laws of parenting. Do they want to love me or have to? Do they want to care or have to care? All concluding to how I once again in my life feel insignificant. Just hearing my ma get so angry over something as small as merely picking me up...I was on the verge of tears. She never wants to pick me up. I sometimes think that she would rather leave me somewhere until someone else comes along and can take me home. I just feel...abandoned, alone, unheard. But the more extravagant I tend to be, the less they accept me as Jenny. It's a never ending cycle with no hope for communication. We all live in seperate worlds in the same vicinity. Nothing could break my heart more than that. This is why communication is so important to me. It is far too easy to lose touch. My parents don't even know me. We are strangers who happen to know each other's history. To connect the two stories in a way...I dont know. I just got torn up inside. And Brittany didnt seem to understand how much it actually tore me up inside...how I was trying to pull off this pissed off 'teen angst' nature so she wouldn't have to see how upset I was. I mean what's the use of that anyhow. It never does any good. There is no point in crying. It only makes your face wet. Sigh. On a lighter note, I saw Abby in the morning. I danced an irish jig on a table in yearbook. Alora Moora brought mashed potatoes in for us to eat in class. I biked 2 and a half miles on level ten in the cardio room. And I recieved my prize hug =) I also borrowed Tilly and the Wall, which is my happy music of the evening. I need happy. I need a hug. I think I will read The Blue Day Book and smile at all the silly aminal pictures. "Take off that mask of tragedy-it's not your style..." Jenny at 9:09 PM Comments: Post a Comment
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