Her Smiling Eyes

Sunday, March 20, 2005

After a week of slowly cracking, I finally shattered into a million pieces on Friday. It started out when I woke up. I went to bed really upset and woke up just the same. I was breathing all heavy and just arguing in my head. I was trying to pull myself together and resist leaving in a huff, but it was no use and I left like so.

I got to school and I soon realized that I forgot my school ID so I can give blood. So I quickly call my ma and it one of those cell phone instances where I can hear her fine but she can't hear me. I then use Jessie's cell in hopes that it will work, but the same thing happened because we were indoors. So then I ran to the athletic office and asked the lady if I could use her phone and she said sure. I called my ma and asked her if she could bring my school ID and my passport to school because I thought I needed two sources of identification. She said my school ID should be enough because she didnt want to bring my passport. I said fine because I didn't want to argue in front of anyone or be rude.

After my mom was done yelling and swearing because she has to go the school, I get off the phone and meekly say thank you to the lady. As I'm walking out, I'm trying to control all these feelings I am experiencing at the moment and I'm doing my best not to cry. I walk back to our little group and many sense something is wrong and they ask so. And I just broke down into tears because that was all I could do. I was thinking about all these confusions and uncertainties. I was thinking about the test I have in Algebra that I can't fail or else I will be getting a lower overall grade. I was thinking about how I was going to remember my lines by 5th hour. I was thinking about if my ID will come in on time so I can give blood and hoping that I didn't need any other ID. I was thinking about how some people really know how to piss me off and others are simply just crushing me in more ways than one.

We all exchanged hugs but then I realized I was really starting to cry hard. So I rushed to the bathroom quickly because I don't like crying in public and Hannah followed me. She did her best to try and calm me down but it was one of those things that built up over time and needed time to heal as well. I really need to talk to someone but I realized that she had a 1st hour class so I recommended she went to that and thanked her very much for caring and cheering me up in the ways she did. It meant a lot that she didn't make a big deal about me crying. And it also meant a lot that she cared enough to follow me to the bathroom to see what was wrong.

I sat in the stall and tried cleaning myself up so my face wasnt so wet and my eyes werent too red. I was going to go to EArth Science late and just say that my nerves were acting up because I was giving blood that day and the reason my eyes were red was because I was throwing up. I had this whole plan just in case anyone asked. But by the time I got near the commons, I started tearing up again and decided to go to the counselors office. I was going to see Stennett but she was on the phone and Mr. Langenkamp walked by but I felt more comfortable crying in front of Stennett since she has seen this side of me before. I felt bad for not giving him a chance but a lot of my present feelings deal with my past and I would hate to have to go back and forth, realating my past to my present and so on.

Then Ms. K walked by and I was still crying so I was pretending I was looking at college books. She soon realized I was crying and took me to her office because Stennett was still on the phone. I felt really safe in her office so I felt a little bit more comfortable crying. After 3 periods of talking, we realized these things:
1) I am constantly searching for a solid adult figure in my life.
2) I am quite mature for my age.
3) It's okay not to really have a best friend
4) Grades are miniscule to the big picture. If I am not going to major in math and that's the only class I'm really struggling in, that's okay.
5) I need to make sure people take me seriously
6) I need to think/care about myself before I can do so for anyone else.
7) It's okay to cry.

I'm not going to elaborate on each of those things because it took us 3 hours just to figure all that out. But she is right. And she said I had every reason to finally shatter today, it's been building up for a while now. The thing that really assured me was that she told me I was absolutely normal. And surprisingly, that makes all the difference in the world considering all the contradictions I put myself through daily in order to get by.

By 4th hour, I was cleaned up and looking slightly normal. I thanked her very much for listening and talking to me. Then I went to pretty much the end of yearbook class. Everyone still looked at me like I was fragile or something but I was feeling much better than before and did my best to act normal. I asked my friend who just gave blood if my ID would be enough and she said she no, there needs to be another ID as well.

So I went to the counselor again and asked Mr. Langenkamp for my transcript because that's what I used last time and he printed it out for me. Then he asked me how my classes were going and I told him about Algebra II and how I am struggling in it very much so. He asked who my teacher was and I said Ms. Drye. Not only did Langenkamp tell me this but so did Ms. K when I brought it up, a lot of students have been struggling with Ms. Drye and I said I could vouch for that considering the highest grade is a B-. Then, to my surprise, Langenkamp brought up the idea of switching teachers. I thought you couldnt do that after the 2nd semester started but I guess he would make an acception. He looked at my previous math teachers and asked me how they were and I explained how Mr. Kamin was able to joke around as well as teach me, making it fun and more relaxed learning. I told him how I would go for tutoring and Mr. Kamin would stay and keep going over the things I didn't understand until I understood them. We checked to see what hours he had free or that he has classes so I could get tutoring or switch but both hours didnt work for me because I would have to change my whole schedule. So we decided I would think about it and maybe instead get tutoring from a friend or ask him to stay after so he could teach me in a way I can understand. Because I am obviously missing something with Ms. Drye and I really am trying lately.

So then I went to the blood drive and the guy said I didn't have enough ID. I pointed out how it had everything they needed for the forms and that I used a transcript last time but he said that it was different this year and that I needed more ID. I then asked if I could excuse myself to call my mom and he said ok. So I went back to the athletic office and asked if I could use the lady's phone. This time, my ma freaked out more than I ever needed on a day quite like this. She was yelling and started crying on the phone. I didn't want to point out that I did ask her earlier to bring my passport or something for another source of ID but it wasn't the right thing to do. But inbetween tears, she was yelling at me about why I can't think about the family for once. And I didn't know what to say when just an hour earlier, the counselor said I need to think about myself more. I know how much I think about the family and I know it well enough to know that that is not a statement to be used against me. All I said was nevermind, I just wont give blood. And she said damn right, because I am not going over there again. And I just said fine. Then she yelled goodbye and hung up on me.

By then, I didn't know how to react. I sure wasnt expecting my mom to cry at me, especially since I wasn't yelling or anything to bring her to that. I was actually being really calm because I knew she wouldn't bring it any other way. I was literally crushed. So even more meek than the last time, I thanked the lady for letting me use her phone and solemnly walked to Studio Theatre. I felt it best for me to not talk because I didn't know what to say. And with that, I still looked sad and friends still noticed.

Kaitlen took me out into the hall in a semi-secluded area when I started crying again and we talked about it all thats been bothering me for a little while. Hannah saw me again and I was crying again but considering the last time she saw me I was crying, it must have seemed like I was crying all day. I just wish she would have seen me for that 15-20 or so minutes that I wasn't and was actually ok. But Kaitlen listened and held me as I cried. And she didn't get grossed out that my nose was all runny and my face was all wet, she just got me a load of tissues and I never felt so grateful in my life to have her as one of my best friends.

I just want to make this clear, the only reason I don't want to be hugged when I am upset or crying is that I will cry more and more. It's not that I don't want the hugs, it's just that when I'm in a public place, I don't want to be crying that hard. And the only reason I cry harder when people hug me is that it means a lot that they can acknowledge when something is wrong and want to show how much they care. It's really complicated but I know that if we were in a more private place, I would be more than happy to recieve a hug and cry more freely. Im really sorry if I told anyone not to hug me. It's not that I didn't want the hug, I just didn't want to cry any more.

I went to lunch and I wasnt hungry. I didn't talk and I was okay with that. I didn't even want to be there but I was at the counselors for long enough that day. So I just sat there and let everyone try and force me to talk or ask to check my pulse or try and force me to smile. I didnt do those things because I knew that it didnt really matter if I did so or not, it was just the idea that they wanted me to. It was just the same as Dead Day, they didn't think about how I didnt want to talk, they only focused on how they wanted me to. And that's just selfish.
I was quiet for the rest of the day. My day literally brightened when I saw Carly, though. I made sure she knew that and when I ran up and hugged her, I almost started crying again but made sure not to. I said happy birthday instead.

Another few who brightened my day was Erin and Julia. I feel confident in saying that those two really have my back on life. Erin gave me the warmest hugs and it was as though all the bad things went away. She told me to write her a note or call her if ever I needed to talk and that meant a lot because lately I havent known who to talk to. Julia told me that she will take me to give blood with her at the LifeSource Center in Gurnee and that meant a lot to me. She said that way we can give blood together again and I don't have to be afraid (she was there to distract me when they put the needle in and brought me her coat when I was cold the last time we gave blood).

I couldn't help but smile because these friends really care. Everyone I encountered yesterday really cared about how I was doing and that meant the world to me. I may have only seen my counselors for the majority of the day but those I was able to see and talk to before and afterwards, it meant a lot. Your hugs mean a lot. Your reassurance mean a lot. And most of all, your friendship means a lot.

By the time I got home, I was exausted and had no intentions of talking to my mom because I didn't want my temper or my emotions to get in the way of our conversation. So I just went to bed.

I woke up later that evening and went to the Venetian show. It was just what I needed to cheer up. The music, the people- it was all so nice and refreshing. I saw Meg play and I was so proud of her. She is a very talented girl. It was my first show in a few months so it was nice to get back into that atmosphere. I had a lot of fun safely moshing away from the pit as well as slapping people in the butt with my sticky hand I got from a machine at Taco Bell. I smiled and didn't cry anymore.

I will only become stronger and more resilient. I can only take so much confusion in my life. Algebra II is enough for now. I'm done.

Jenny at 2:54 PM

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her smiling eyes
this is your cue. smile.
Sunday, March 20, 2005 After a week of slowly cracking, I finally shattered into a million pieces on Friday. It started out when I woke up. I went to bed really upset and woke up just the same. I was breathing all heavy and just arguing in my head. I was trying to pull myself together and resist leaving in a huff, but it was no use and I left like so. I got to school and I soon realized that I forgot my school ID so I can give blood. So I quickly call my ma and it one of those cell phone instances where I can hear her fine but she can't hear me. I then use Jessie's cell in hopes that it will work, but the same thing happened because we were indoors. So then I ran to the athletic office and asked the lady if I could use her phone and she said sure. I called my ma and asked her if she could bring my school ID and my passport to school because I thought I needed two sources of identification. She said my school ID should be enough because she didnt want to bring my passport. I said fine because I didn't want to argue in front of anyone or be rude. After my mom was done yelling and swearing because she has to go the school, I get off the phone and meekly say thank you to the lady. As I'm walking out, I'm trying to control all these feelings I am experiencing at the moment and I'm doing my best not to cry. I walk back to our little group and many sense something is wrong and they ask so. And I just broke down into tears because that was all I could do. I was thinking about all these confusions and uncertainties. I was thinking about the test I have in Algebra that I can't fail or else I will be getting a lower overall grade. I was thinking about how I was going to remember my lines by 5th hour. I was thinking about if my ID will come in on time so I can give blood and hoping that I didn't need any other ID. I was thinking about how some people really know how to piss me off and others are simply just crushing me in more ways than one. We all exchanged hugs but then I realized I was really starting to cry hard. So I rushed to the bathroom quickly because I don't like crying in public and Hannah followed me. She did her best to try and calm me down but it was one of those things that built up over time and needed time to heal as well. I really need to talk to someone but I realized that she had a 1st hour class so I recommended she went to that and thanked her very much for caring and cheering me up in the ways she did. It meant a lot that she didn't make a big deal about me crying. And it also meant a lot that she cared enough to follow me to the bathroom to see what was wrong. I sat in the stall and tried cleaning myself up so my face wasnt so wet and my eyes werent too red. I was going to go to EArth Science late and just say that my nerves were acting up because I was giving blood that day and the reason my eyes were red was because I was throwing up. I had this whole plan just in case anyone asked. But by the time I got near the commons, I started tearing up again and decided to go to the counselors office. I was going to see Stennett but she was on the phone and Mr. Langenkamp walked by but I felt more comfortable crying in front of Stennett since she has seen this side of me before. I felt bad for not giving him a chance but a lot of my present feelings deal with my past and I would hate to have to go back and forth, realating my past to my present and so on. Then Ms. K walked by and I was still crying so I was pretending I was looking at college books. She soon realized I was crying and took me to her office because Stennett was still on the phone. I felt really safe in her office so I felt a little bit more comfortable crying. After 3 periods of talking, we realized these things: 1) I am constantly searching for a solid adult figure in my life. 2) I am quite mature for my age. 3) It's okay not to really have a best friend 4) Grades are miniscule to the big picture. If I am not going to major in math and that's the only class I'm really struggling in, that's okay. 5) I need to make sure people take me seriously 6) I need to think/care about myself before I can do so for anyone else. 7) It's okay to cry. I'm not going to elaborate on each of those things because it took us 3 hours just to figure all that out. But she is right. And she said I had every reason to finally shatter today, it's been building up for a while now. The thing that really assured me was that she told me I was absolutely normal. And surprisingly, that makes all the difference in the world considering all the contradictions I put myself through daily in order to get by. By 4th hour, I was cleaned up and looking slightly normal. I thanked her very much for listening and talking to me. Then I went to pretty much the end of yearbook class. Everyone still looked at me like I was fragile or something but I was feeling much better than before and did my best to act normal. I asked my friend who just gave blood if my ID would be enough and she said she no, there needs to be another ID as well. So I went to the counselor again and asked Mr. Langenkamp for my transcript because that's what I used last time and he printed it out for me. Then he asked me how my classes were going and I told him about Algebra II and how I am struggling in it very much so. He asked who my teacher was and I said Ms. Drye. Not only did Langenkamp tell me this but so did Ms. K when I brought it up, a lot of students have been struggling with Ms. Drye and I said I could vouch for that considering the highest grade is a B-. Then, to my surprise, Langenkamp brought up the idea of switching teachers. I thought you couldnt do that after the 2nd semester started but I guess he would make an acception. He looked at my previous math teachers and asked me how they were and I explained how Mr. Kamin was able to joke around as well as teach me, making it fun and more relaxed learning. I told him how I would go for tutoring and Mr. Kamin would stay and keep going over the things I didn't understand until I understood them. We checked to see what hours he had free or that he has classes so I could get tutoring or switch but both hours didnt work for me because I would have to change my whole schedule. So we decided I would think about it and maybe instead get tutoring from a friend or ask him to stay after so he could teach me in a way I can understand. Because I am obviously missing something with Ms. Drye and I really am trying lately. So then I went to the blood drive and the guy said I didn't have enough ID. I pointed out how it had everything they needed for the forms and that I used a transcript last time but he said that it was different this year and that I needed more ID. I then asked if I could excuse myself to call my mom and he said ok. So I went back to the athletic office and asked if I could use the lady's phone. This time, my ma freaked out more than I ever needed on a day quite like this. She was yelling and started crying on the phone. I didn't want to point out that I did ask her earlier to bring my passport or something for another source of ID but it wasn't the right thing to do. But inbetween tears, she was yelling at me about why I can't think about the family for once. And I didn't know what to say when just an hour earlier, the counselor said I need to think about myself more. I know how much I think about the family and I know it well enough to know that that is not a statement to be used against me. All I said was nevermind, I just wont give blood. And she said damn right, because I am not going over there again. And I just said fine. Then she yelled goodbye and hung up on me. By then, I didn't know how to react. I sure wasnt expecting my mom to cry at me, especially since I wasn't yelling or anything to bring her to that. I was actually being really calm because I knew she wouldn't bring it any other way. I was literally crushed. So even more meek than the last time, I thanked the lady for letting me use her phone and solemnly walked to Studio Theatre. I felt it best for me to not talk because I didn't know what to say. And with that, I still looked sad and friends still noticed. Kaitlen took me out into the hall in a semi-secluded area when I started crying again and we talked about it all thats been bothering me for a little while. Hannah saw me again and I was crying again but considering the last time she saw me I was crying, it must have seemed like I was crying all day. I just wish she would have seen me for that 15-20 or so minutes that I wasn't and was actually ok. But Kaitlen listened and held me as I cried. And she didn't get grossed out that my nose was all runny and my face was all wet, she just got me a load of tissues and I never felt so grateful in my life to have her as one of my best friends. I just want to make this clear, the only reason I don't want to be hugged when I am upset or crying is that I will cry more and more. It's not that I don't want the hugs, it's just that when I'm in a public place, I don't want to be crying that hard. And the only reason I cry harder when people hug me is that it means a lot that they can acknowledge when something is wrong and want to show how much they care. It's really complicated but I know that if we were in a more private place, I would be more than happy to recieve a hug and cry more freely. Im really sorry if I told anyone not to hug me. It's not that I didn't want the hug, I just didn't want to cry any more. I went to lunch and I wasnt hungry. I didn't talk and I was okay with that. I didn't even want to be there but I was at the counselors for long enough that day. So I just sat there and let everyone try and force me to talk or ask to check my pulse or try and force me to smile. I didnt do those things because I knew that it didnt really matter if I did so or not, it was just the idea that they wanted me to. It was just the same as Dead Day, they didn't think about how I didnt want to talk, they only focused on how they wanted me to. And that's just selfish. I was quiet for the rest of the day. My day literally brightened when I saw Carly, though. I made sure she knew that and when I ran up and hugged her, I almost started crying again but made sure not to. I said happy birthday instead. Another few who brightened my day was Erin and Julia. I feel confident in saying that those two really have my back on life. Erin gave me the warmest hugs and it was as though all the bad things went away. She told me to write her a note or call her if ever I needed to talk and that meant a lot because lately I havent known who to talk to. Julia told me that she will take me to give blood with her at the LifeSource Center in Gurnee and that meant a lot to me. She said that way we can give blood together again and I don't have to be afraid (she was there to distract me when they put the needle in and brought me her coat when I was cold the last time we gave blood). I couldn't help but smile because these friends really care. Everyone I encountered yesterday really cared about how I was doing and that meant the world to me. I may have only seen my counselors for the majority of the day but those I was able to see and talk to before and afterwards, it meant a lot. Your hugs mean a lot. Your reassurance mean a lot. And most of all, your friendship means a lot. By the time I got home, I was exausted and had no intentions of talking to my mom because I didn't want my temper or my emotions to get in the way of our conversation. So I just went to bed. I woke up later that evening and went to the Venetian show. It was just what I needed to cheer up. The music, the people- it was all so nice and refreshing. I saw Meg play and I was so proud of her. She is a very talented girl. It was my first show in a few months so it was nice to get back into that atmosphere. I had a lot of fun safely moshing away from the pit as well as slapping people in the butt with my sticky hand I got from a machine at Taco Bell. I smiled and didn't cry anymore. I will only become stronger and more resilient. I can only take so much confusion in my life. Algebra II is enough for now. I'm done. Jenny at 2:54 PM Comments: Post a Comment
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