Her Smiling Eyes

Monday, March 28, 2005

I am so terribly frusterated. I was fine all weekend. The parties were a success (my birthday and Easter). I enjoyed seeing all of my friends and it was by far one of the most memorable birthday's ever. Easter was lovely, though I was sleeping for a great deal of it. Life was looking up and I was happy.

But then my mother has to rant about my teeshirts. She says how is anyone going to take me seriously when I wear teeshirts like that. And I say that one shouldn't be judged by what one wears even if a particular style in clothing may reflect one's personality. First impressions shouldn't be derived from fashion, though. I can understand for business (such as applying for a job or maintaining a job) but not on an everyday basis. If someone I don't know can't take me seriously simply because of what I wear, that is silly. They apparently don't know me well enough to see beyond what I wear and to be in touch with my serious side. I could see where she was getting at, but seriously, it is just clothing. I could be dressing a hell of a lot worse but I am not.

This hurts a lot coming from my ma being as this argument is usually with my father. I always thought it was my ma who understood me the best, who understood my unique tastes and different way of thinking- but I guess I am wrong. It seems as though no one in my family understands me. My only hope just bailed on me. And it really hurts. It really does. It's only clothing. It's still me underneath.

And if that isn't enough, she insists on coming in my room while I'm still sleeping and attempting conversation with me. She insists on telling me important information in mid-slumber. She will wake me up, tell me something of importance, then let me go back to sleep. What she forgets is that there is very little chance I will remember this when I wake up. For all I know, it was a dream or something. I told her this before because it's really freaky for me. I mean, she will wake me from a deep sleep, talk to me and I will talk to her back (either sleepily or fluently), and she will leave and I will go back to bed. Then, when I finally get up, she will bring up what we talked about when she woke me up, and I will not remember it whatsoever. To me, it's the first time I talk to her, but to her, we talked earlier. And I get freaked out because I really don't remember it at all. No matter how fluently I spoke, I really wasn't conscious.

Well, she spoke to me this morning after waking me from a deep slumber again. She told me how my uncle called asking if Thursday was okay to take me out to dinner. My mom said sure-i think she's free, not taking into consideration plans that I already had. After she gets off the phone, she comes in my room and wakes me from this deep slumber. She tells me thursday i have dinner with my uncle. Supposedly, I said fluently "yea, thats okay. I dont think i have plans that day, anyway." Then she left and i went right back to bed.

I seriously don't recall any of that. The only thing I can recall was when I woke up this afternoon and looked at my watch to see it was 12:29pm. And I know that exactly because I was actually awake then. It really freaks me out that I can talk fluently while unconscious and in a sleep-state. I don't normally sleep-talk from what I know, but I sleep-talk when people talk to me while I'm sleeping. What really scares me is that I don't think I can control what I'm saying and I won't even remember it.

So my ma got really mad at me saying that this is the second time I'm using this excuse and it's getting old. And I told her that I am serious, she really needs to make sure I am fully awake and aware for me to remember these things. She cannot just wake me up and talk to me and expect me to remember it in the morning. But she refused to understand the logic of it and acted like a child. I got so angry at her because I was trying so hard to be an adult and deal with the matter and here she is going "Yea, yea, yea, whatever..."

I am so tired of having to be the mature one of the two of us. She is my mother and all my life she has never even acted like a mother. I am her daughter, not just a best friend. And though it is possible to be both, I am her daughter first. Just as she is my mother first. But she has never been my mother. She has only been my best friend. And I am sick and tired of having to be the mature one in the relationship in order to get anything positive out of it. All my life, I have never been the child, I have always been the bigger person. And whenever I act my age, I get ridiculed for it. I am so tired of being the bigger person.

If anything right now, I need a mother. I can find a best friend elsewhere, but right now, I need a mother. I am 17 years old and I should be striving to be independent right now and about ready to cut off the leash of parental guidance. But to be completely honest, I have been independent for a majority of my life by either learning from others mistakes or figuring things out on my own. And I find no shame in saying that I need my mom right now. I need my dad right now. I need parents right now. I need guidance. I need direction. I could only do so much on my own, I need them. I'm so tired of doing things on my own. Life is a struggle- it's a lonely battle for the most part. But there is always family to keep you fighting and help fight the good fight. And I am in dire need of assistance.

This is a cry for help that will never be heard because they will never see this and I will never admit it. 17 is not the age for guidance anymore. I am almost an adult now and it is not in my nature to regress. I am just so frusterated and angry because I mean what happened during those years? What happened when I should have been getting that parenting and guidance full force? Did they just forget? Have I just been raising myself this whole time? I remember when I used to run to my mom when I had a problem. But that was when I was about 4 or 5 and the problem would usually be my sister picking on me or beating me up. Nowadays, I run away from my ma when I have a problem. Nowadays, I probably won't admit I have a problem until it gets too much to handle. I always try to figure everything out on my own so that no one will have to deal with it. And I can't do that all the time. Sometimes I need some assistance. But I don't know how to admit it.

I wish there was an easy way of getting this guidance. I wish my mom would understand how much I need her right now. I need her as a mother, not just as a best friend. Because I am so tired fighting the world alone. I am so tired of playing both roles.

I think I am going to bring up Sylvan Learning Center for Algebra II help. It dampers my pride realizing I need to put this much effort in order to comprehend, but I want to learn. I'm done with not understanding. I can't stand not knowing something and I am willing to keep trying until I get it.

The End.

Jenny at 6:31 PM

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her smiling eyes
this is your cue. smile.
Monday, March 28, 2005 I am so terribly frusterated. I was fine all weekend. The parties were a success (my birthday and Easter). I enjoyed seeing all of my friends and it was by far one of the most memorable birthday's ever. Easter was lovely, though I was sleeping for a great deal of it. Life was looking up and I was happy. But then my mother has to rant about my teeshirts. She says how is anyone going to take me seriously when I wear teeshirts like that. And I say that one shouldn't be judged by what one wears even if a particular style in clothing may reflect one's personality. First impressions shouldn't be derived from fashion, though. I can understand for business (such as applying for a job or maintaining a job) but not on an everyday basis. If someone I don't know can't take me seriously simply because of what I wear, that is silly. They apparently don't know me well enough to see beyond what I wear and to be in touch with my serious side. I could see where she was getting at, but seriously, it is just clothing. I could be dressing a hell of a lot worse but I am not. This hurts a lot coming from my ma being as this argument is usually with my father. I always thought it was my ma who understood me the best, who understood my unique tastes and different way of thinking- but I guess I am wrong. It seems as though no one in my family understands me. My only hope just bailed on me. And it really hurts. It really does. It's only clothing. It's still me underneath. And if that isn't enough, she insists on coming in my room while I'm still sleeping and attempting conversation with me. She insists on telling me important information in mid-slumber. She will wake me up, tell me something of importance, then let me go back to sleep. What she forgets is that there is very little chance I will remember this when I wake up. For all I know, it was a dream or something. I told her this before because it's really freaky for me. I mean, she will wake me from a deep sleep, talk to me and I will talk to her back (either sleepily or fluently), and she will leave and I will go back to bed. Then, when I finally get up, she will bring up what we talked about when she woke me up, and I will not remember it whatsoever. To me, it's the first time I talk to her, but to her, we talked earlier. And I get freaked out because I really don't remember it at all. No matter how fluently I spoke, I really wasn't conscious. Well, she spoke to me this morning after waking me from a deep slumber again. She told me how my uncle called asking if Thursday was okay to take me out to dinner. My mom said sure-i think she's free, not taking into consideration plans that I already had. After she gets off the phone, she comes in my room and wakes me from this deep slumber. She tells me thursday i have dinner with my uncle. Supposedly, I said fluently "yea, thats okay. I dont think i have plans that day, anyway." Then she left and i went right back to bed. I seriously don't recall any of that. The only thing I can recall was when I woke up this afternoon and looked at my watch to see it was 12:29pm. And I know that exactly because I was actually awake then. It really freaks me out that I can talk fluently while unconscious and in a sleep-state. I don't normally sleep-talk from what I know, but I sleep-talk when people talk to me while I'm sleeping. What really scares me is that I don't think I can control what I'm saying and I won't even remember it. So my ma got really mad at me saying that this is the second time I'm using this excuse and it's getting old. And I told her that I am serious, she really needs to make sure I am fully awake and aware for me to remember these things. She cannot just wake me up and talk to me and expect me to remember it in the morning. But she refused to understand the logic of it and acted like a child. I got so angry at her because I was trying so hard to be an adult and deal with the matter and here she is going "Yea, yea, yea, whatever..." I am so tired of having to be the mature one of the two of us. She is my mother and all my life she has never even acted like a mother. I am her daughter, not just a best friend. And though it is possible to be both, I am her daughter first. Just as she is my mother first. But she has never been my mother. She has only been my best friend. And I am sick and tired of having to be the mature one in the relationship in order to get anything positive out of it. All my life, I have never been the child, I have always been the bigger person. And whenever I act my age, I get ridiculed for it. I am so tired of being the bigger person. If anything right now, I need a mother. I can find a best friend elsewhere, but right now, I need a mother. I am 17 years old and I should be striving to be independent right now and about ready to cut off the leash of parental guidance. But to be completely honest, I have been independent for a majority of my life by either learning from others mistakes or figuring things out on my own. And I find no shame in saying that I need my mom right now. I need my dad right now. I need parents right now. I need guidance. I need direction. I could only do so much on my own, I need them. I'm so tired of doing things on my own. Life is a struggle- it's a lonely battle for the most part. But there is always family to keep you fighting and help fight the good fight. And I am in dire need of assistance. This is a cry for help that will never be heard because they will never see this and I will never admit it. 17 is not the age for guidance anymore. I am almost an adult now and it is not in my nature to regress. I am just so frusterated and angry because I mean what happened during those years? What happened when I should have been getting that parenting and guidance full force? Did they just forget? Have I just been raising myself this whole time? I remember when I used to run to my mom when I had a problem. But that was when I was about 4 or 5 and the problem would usually be my sister picking on me or beating me up. Nowadays, I run away from my ma when I have a problem. Nowadays, I probably won't admit I have a problem until it gets too much to handle. I always try to figure everything out on my own so that no one will have to deal with it. And I can't do that all the time. Sometimes I need some assistance. But I don't know how to admit it. I wish there was an easy way of getting this guidance. I wish my mom would understand how much I need her right now. I need her as a mother, not just as a best friend. Because I am so tired fighting the world alone. I am so tired of playing both roles. I think I am going to bring up Sylvan Learning Center for Algebra II help. It dampers my pride realizing I need to put this much effort in order to comprehend, but I want to learn. I'm done with not understanding. I can't stand not knowing something and I am willing to keep trying until I get it. The End. Jenny at 6:31 PM Comments: Post a Comment
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