Her Smiling Eyes

Monday, April 25, 2005

I can't wait to get these tests over with.
I write too much.
I don't write enough.
I realized I haven't written a poem in a long time.
Last night I got inspired and wrote a poem.
I haven't read it again to see if I like it the second time around.
I just know there is this one line that bugs me.
It's one of those lines thats sole purpose is to keep the poem flowing
It may sound dumb or lame but how else would the poem continue?
One needs that little silly line to keep the flow.
Because by all means it can't end write there.
I don't really know how I know when a poem is done
but I surely know when it isn't.
Anyway, from what I remember, it has to do with cold climates
and how the body deals with the temperature change...
adapts the best it can
etc, etc, etc...
leading to the last line and the underlying point of the poem-
"Love can withstand even the coldest of times"
or something like that.
I'm afraid to read it again for fear I won't like it.
I'm really picky.
I accepted it at the time.
Then again, I was probably just happy I was writing a poem.
My theme tends to be weather I've noticed.
One I wrote a month ago was about rain.
That was one I enjoyed writing but was disappointed in the outcome.
At least I have something to work off of and improve.
I just wish I could get it right the first time.
Meh, as much as writing organizes my feelings...
they still tend to be disorganized.
Oh well. I understand them.
That's all that matters.
I'm trying to get pumped for the tests so that I can be less nervous.
Maybe if I pretend they are for fun, yet still mean something...maybe then I won't get so nervous.
When I get nervous is when things go downhill.
Of course, that's generally how everyone gets.
Maybe I can use reverse psychology and turn that nervousness into intelligent energy!
I know I will be eating a lot of oatmeal those mornings and eating all these fruits and drinking milk, taking my multivitamins...eating crackers and chewing gum...I'm so superstitiously nerdy when it comes to these tests.
Sometimes when I don't like something, I make it into a game. If I pretend there is a prize or something at the end, maybe I can work towards that. That way, I will try hard but still think it's a game and I am just being competitive.
I do like winning.
I don't like running so whenever I run the mile, I have someone pretend to play tag with me.
Or I pretend someone is at the end of the mile with a surprise but I cant get the surprise if I dont run.
I like games. I like to play. I like to pretend. I like my imagination.
Write, write, write.
I never get sick of writing.
I wish I could write more of my paper.
I have a lot of time but I want to get a head start and get it done.
It's my life. It should be fairly easy to write. Maybe I will start tonight.
Or maybe I will study for the ACT. That is coming up sooner.
I will practice with the booklet and my nifty CD-rom.
I hope my dad doesnt catch me studying for this ACT.
I would feel reaaaaaaaally weird considering I dont have to study necessarily.
I just dont like my dad knowing these things. Even if it does make him like me more or something. I want him to like me for me, not my caring about my grades.
I don't know. I just don't like him knowing I study. I would rather him think I know all these things on my own. Or maybe I'm just crazy like that.
I'm simply a closet studier.
And a closet nerd.
Because I love learning.
And if these tests weren't timed, I'd probably enjoy them a lot more.
I wish learning didnt have a grade because then learning becomes a chore. You have to worry about your pace and efficiency. Not that I don't already worry about those things, but now I am obligated to. I am also a secret perfectionist. So making sure my work is efficient is natural for me. I really do care about these things. I make it seem like I don't, but it really, really bugs me inside when I don't meet my personal standards. I speak in all honest when I say my parents don't push me enough. But in actuallity, I don't need them to because I push myself and I am way harder on myself than they could ever be. Sure, they get disappointed when I get a foul grade...but when it comes down to it- they could care less. They know I'm smart. In the end, it's mainly me getting angry at myself because I didn't do good enough. Not just for them, but for me. I get so mad because I have not been reaching my potential. I KNOW I can do better. I just have to get there. I have been offered honors english courses galore but I have been too afraid to take them for fear I will not meet my own damn standards. But I have to challange myself if I want to get anywhere. I wont get anywhere if I don't give myself the chance.

I seem to be giving myself this limit and there shouldn't be a limit. I just get so angry at myself sometimes because I don't take chances...I am just so afraid of letting not only my parents down but myself down. I just need to know I can do these things. I can write, I do write, I am capable of writing well and I have the potential to be in an honors english class. Next year I am taking a chance and shooting for World Lit because that is my best bet for what I want to do in life. I want to write. I want to write in college. I want to write in my career. I want to write on the side. I want to write an autobiography one day. I want to live an interesting life so that my autobiography will be worth reading and truthful. I want to write everything down so that I can look back and know exactly how I felt and what I was thinking at that point in time. And most of all, I want to write so much and become so skilled at it that someday I will hope to become reconized for it in books and magazines, comics, or movie scripts, comedy sketchs and plays, etc. And I want to have piles and piles of notebooks in my house so that whenever the mood strikes and inspiration hits me, I will be prepared. I want to have boxes and boxes of old notebooks with each page full of deep thoughts or emotional poetry and doodles and sketches, short stories and comics.

I want notebooks to be full off periods of my life, full of memories with hardships and great times, love, hate, first kisses from new loves and first heartbreaks from others. I want to have record of all these things and all the steps I took to recover or all the moments after the eurphoria of something so blissful that I just had to write it down to believe it truly happened.

And when I pass on, I want all my notebooks to be spread across the world so part of me could be in France, and part of me could be in Kenya, and part of me could be in Chili. Truly I'd be within each of my love's hearts. But in words, I would be all over the world. Except for one notebook. Part of me belongs at home.

In a nutshell, that is my American Dream. Fuck money, big houses, dream vacations, sweet rides...that's all I want to obtain in life. If I could get all that, my life would be well spent and worthwhile. That's all I could want in life. Sure, there are little things that branch off from that such as the Peace Core and other personal travel, learning new hobbies, meeting new people, but my main aspirations are just those things. Writing, writing, and writing.

I don't even need/want a house. I would be happier with a studio apartment and a friendly roommate or lover. I just want place to live, company, a way of transportation, and a happy median between city and country. I love nature too much to devote myself to a loud, busy city. I want a dog. Maybe a nice kitten, too. A NICE kitten. And I want to be surrounded in an atmosphere of possibility and freshness, hope and optimism, happiness and most importantly, love. There is nothing more important to me in this world than to love and be loved.

That is how I will live. I don't know all the little details but that is a sketch of what I am shooting for. I hope it all pans out.

Time to closet study lol =)
Love to all and then some more

Jenny at 7:33 PM

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her smiling eyes
this is your cue. smile.
Monday, April 25, 2005 I can't wait to get these tests over with. I write too much. I don't write enough. I realized I haven't written a poem in a long time. Last night I got inspired and wrote a poem. I haven't read it again to see if I like it the second time around. I just know there is this one line that bugs me. It's one of those lines thats sole purpose is to keep the poem flowing It may sound dumb or lame but how else would the poem continue? One needs that little silly line to keep the flow. Because by all means it can't end write there. I don't really know how I know when a poem is done but I surely know when it isn't. Anyway, from what I remember, it has to do with cold climates and how the body deals with the temperature change... adapts the best it can etc, etc, etc... leading to the last line and the underlying point of the poem- "Love can withstand even the coldest of times" or something like that. I'm afraid to read it again for fear I won't like it. I'm really picky. I accepted it at the time. Then again, I was probably just happy I was writing a poem. My theme tends to be weather I've noticed. One I wrote a month ago was about rain. That was one I enjoyed writing but was disappointed in the outcome. At least I have something to work off of and improve. I just wish I could get it right the first time. Meh, as much as writing organizes my feelings... they still tend to be disorganized. Oh well. I understand them. That's all that matters. I'm trying to get pumped for the tests so that I can be less nervous. Maybe if I pretend they are for fun, yet still mean something...maybe then I won't get so nervous. When I get nervous is when things go downhill. Of course, that's generally how everyone gets. Maybe I can use reverse psychology and turn that nervousness into intelligent energy! I know I will be eating a lot of oatmeal those mornings and eating all these fruits and drinking milk, taking my multivitamins...eating crackers and chewing gum...I'm so superstitiously nerdy when it comes to these tests. Sometimes when I don't like something, I make it into a game. If I pretend there is a prize or something at the end, maybe I can work towards that. That way, I will try hard but still think it's a game and I am just being competitive. I do like winning. I don't like running so whenever I run the mile, I have someone pretend to play tag with me. Or I pretend someone is at the end of the mile with a surprise but I cant get the surprise if I dont run. I like games. I like to play. I like to pretend. I like my imagination. Write, write, write. I never get sick of writing. I wish I could write more of my paper. I have a lot of time but I want to get a head start and get it done. It's my life. It should be fairly easy to write. Maybe I will start tonight. Or maybe I will study for the ACT. That is coming up sooner. I will practice with the booklet and my nifty CD-rom. I hope my dad doesnt catch me studying for this ACT. I would feel reaaaaaaaally weird considering I dont have to study necessarily. I just dont like my dad knowing these things. Even if it does make him like me more or something. I want him to like me for me, not my caring about my grades. I don't know. I just don't like him knowing I study. I would rather him think I know all these things on my own. Or maybe I'm just crazy like that. I'm simply a closet studier. And a closet nerd. Because I love learning. And if these tests weren't timed, I'd probably enjoy them a lot more. I wish learning didnt have a grade because then learning becomes a chore. You have to worry about your pace and efficiency. Not that I don't already worry about those things, but now I am obligated to. I am also a secret perfectionist. So making sure my work is efficient is natural for me. I really do care about these things. I make it seem like I don't, but it really, really bugs me inside when I don't meet my personal standards. I speak in all honest when I say my parents don't push me enough. But in actuallity, I don't need them to because I push myself and I am way harder on myself than they could ever be. Sure, they get disappointed when I get a foul grade...but when it comes down to it- they could care less. They know I'm smart. In the end, it's mainly me getting angry at myself because I didn't do good enough. Not just for them, but for me. I get so mad because I have not been reaching my potential. I KNOW I can do better. I just have to get there. I have been offered honors english courses galore but I have been too afraid to take them for fear I will not meet my own damn standards. But I have to challange myself if I want to get anywhere. I wont get anywhere if I don't give myself the chance. I seem to be giving myself this limit and there shouldn't be a limit. I just get so angry at myself sometimes because I don't take chances...I am just so afraid of letting not only my parents down but myself down. I just need to know I can do these things. I can write, I do write, I am capable of writing well and I have the potential to be in an honors english class. Next year I am taking a chance and shooting for World Lit because that is my best bet for what I want to do in life. I want to write. I want to write in college. I want to write in my career. I want to write on the side. I want to write an autobiography one day. I want to live an interesting life so that my autobiography will be worth reading and truthful. I want to write everything down so that I can look back and know exactly how I felt and what I was thinking at that point in time. And most of all, I want to write so much and become so skilled at it that someday I will hope to become reconized for it in books and magazines, comics, or movie scripts, comedy sketchs and plays, etc. And I want to have piles and piles of notebooks in my house so that whenever the mood strikes and inspiration hits me, I will be prepared. I want to have boxes and boxes of old notebooks with each page full of deep thoughts or emotional poetry and doodles and sketches, short stories and comics. I want notebooks to be full off periods of my life, full of memories with hardships and great times, love, hate, first kisses from new loves and first heartbreaks from others. I want to have record of all these things and all the steps I took to recover or all the moments after the eurphoria of something so blissful that I just had to write it down to believe it truly happened. And when I pass on, I want all my notebooks to be spread across the world so part of me could be in France, and part of me could be in Kenya, and part of me could be in Chili. Truly I'd be within each of my love's hearts. But in words, I would be all over the world. Except for one notebook. Part of me belongs at home. In a nutshell, that is my American Dream. Fuck money, big houses, dream vacations, sweet rides...that's all I want to obtain in life. If I could get all that, my life would be well spent and worthwhile. That's all I could want in life. Sure, there are little things that branch off from that such as the Peace Core and other personal travel, learning new hobbies, meeting new people, but my main aspirations are just those things. Writing, writing, and writing. I don't even need/want a house. I would be happier with a studio apartment and a friendly roommate or lover. I just want place to live, company, a way of transportation, and a happy median between city and country. I love nature too much to devote myself to a loud, busy city. I want a dog. Maybe a nice kitten, too. A NICE kitten. And I want to be surrounded in an atmosphere of possibility and freshness, hope and optimism, happiness and most importantly, love. There is nothing more important to me in this world than to love and be loved. That is how I will live. I don't know all the little details but that is a sketch of what I am shooting for. I hope it all pans out. Time to closet study lol =) Love to all and then some more Jenny at 7:33 PM Comments: Post a Comment
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