|
part with me
|
|
.
|
|
about me
|
|
Alotta my pals say that I am pretty random, and i like to think out side of the box alot. Im pretty crazy but not in the straight jacket sorta way ya kno. I like to send letters to my friends cuz everyone likes to get real mail every once and a while. I also like to leave messages on answering machines. Those are a few joys in my life. Another joy in my life is my friends. They put happy into my life just being there. They are my favorite people and I would do anything for them. There are many other joys in my life such as my dog and writing. There are sum downs too but the good stuff makes up for it. Ya can't let the bad bring ya down too much bcuz then life gets a little harder everyday cuz its just bringin ya down. Movin on, Im kinda spastic and goofy and thats aways fun. I like to have fun and smile and have a good time. I'm never usually serious but sometimes I am when I write. Other than that, I usually am never serious cuz its just not me. It would just be weird. But hey I'm weird too and sponaneous so ya never know what to expect outta me I am just a firecracker that just never stops goin. Ya think the pop stops but no it keeps on goin. I can also be refered to as spark plug cuz i dunno i guess im sparky but okay. Thats about all the main stuff, you'll learn the rest in time.
|
|
. |
| her smiling eyes | ||
| this is your cue. smile. |
My eyes got teary.
I think today it was because it rained. Usually that wouldn't bother me... but I spent hours on my driveway yesterday =( At least I have pictures. Sometimes I feel so childish But other times I feel so adult. There seems to be no median. Right now, I am liking people again. I stopped liking people for a while because I dunno...cautiousness I suppose. But I like this boy again. I will shoot for getting to know him more, but I don't get to see him too much. He makes me happy when I see him and I dunno...there is just something about him that always makes me want him to stay. I like someone else, too, but I am really trying not to. It's really hard because I don't know what to think of it. I don't really know if I want something like a relationship or what. All I know that I always thought when people just wanted to be friends that they just didn't give that person a chance. But sometimes...sometimes you just don't know. I enjoy the friendship and the tightness that gradually becomes tighter. I enjoy the conversations and advice and everything within our friendship. I just cant tell if I like this person because they are ideal or because I like them like them. It doesn't matter to me, the friendship is all that matters and I am grateful to have that. Mike still intrigues me. There is this other girl that is really nice and cool...but hangs all over him. Maybe I'm just paranoid but it really bothers me how much she hangs around him and stuff. I guess it's because I don't have the guts to be as straight-forward with my lingering interest with him. If anything, I keep my distance so I don't get hurt. I don't want to get my hopes up and think he might like me again and take the chance to be more than friends...but why go that far? I can't be let down...I can't take that chance just yet. But the little things he does...like he was visiting his dad in CT and missed my bday. He remembered to say happy birthday, though, and just...he was nice. He is a confusing boy and we are usually at each other's throats because that's simply our friendship...we fight like old people and bicker like children. But he was so soft and kind...and it's a different side that ya know, when ya see it- it's really nice and happy. And sometimes I look over at him during class and he's looking at me like he would before...he wouldn't be glaring or smiling all weird but just...one of those looks with some sort of meaning. Fuck, I don't know. I can't even distinguish my own feelings, anymore. I'm happy turned sad in the blink of an eye it seems. My highs are so high but my lows just come out of no where. My lows aren't terrible...they're just stupid and meaningless. It rained today. I mean WTF mate... I am sure there is more behind it than the fact it rained today....I just don't want to acknowledge it. But here it is, plain and simple : I feel empty, lonely, and I am full of all these feelings and I don't know what to do with them. I am so affectionate yet I don't know what to do with it. I want to cuddle but I just don't know who to cuddle with. I can't tell if I really like someone or if I like the idea that I have someone to care about or an outlet to be more blunt. Sometimes, it's harsh and it's more so the outlet idea. And that's when I have commitment issues. But it is very apparent when I really do have feelings for someone and I am so afraid of that. The people I tend to have feelings for and go all out for are the ones I usually get hurt by. And when I get hurt, I get hurt because I allow myself to become vulnerable in order to get close to these few people and I don't know...What sucks is that everytime that this has happened, I wasnt even going out with them. I have yet to get heartbroken in a relationship relationship. And I'm sure when the time comes, I'll either be so prepped for it with past experiences that it wont faze me....or I'll just break into a million pieces. I'm too sensitive. I need to get tough. Or turn into a robot. I get so frusterated. I can't be so soft. Nice guys always seem to die in movies because chances are, they are sacraficing themselves for the sake of others. And I feel like I am ever so slowly dying. Writing about my feelings in a blog doesn't show that aspect of it but I really need to learn how to put my feelings first. I feel like I am doing that right now because I am writing about myself and my feelings but I never seem to get the hang of it in the moment of life. Maybe I should just stop thinking. Or maybe I am over-analyzing. Maybe I am not analyzing enough because I haven't found a solution yet for these what...continuous pattern I've been in for about I dunno...since I had a conscience? Maybe I should start going to my psychiatrist again, but I hate it. I hate how I dont know her and she's learning ALL about me. I hate telling her my feelings and admitting that I feel in such ways to someone who doesnt even really know me. I hate how she brings to light my past and I don't want to think about it. I hate how she says I have emotional baggage but doesn't help me get rid of it. I hate how the past has affected my present so much it seems. And I hate how she makes me cry when she points out the things that matter the most to me and how the majority of them are lost. I hate how she of all people makes me cry. Just knowing that she has seen me cry more than once kills me because that is more than any of my friends. She doesn't deserve to see that side of me...she is not close enough. She doesn't even comfort me...I am just one mess, decomposing right in front of her and she watches me. I think she likes it. I think she likes to see people decompose in front of her...maybe she feels stronger, maybe she feeds off of it. And I hate how she is the only person I don't care if I bitch and moan, rant and rave, vent out all my anger and insecurities to....because she doesn't know me. And I don't know her. And with that, it doesn't affect me as much or make me self-conscious if I ruined her day with my foul mood or sad conversation. I am so afraid to talk to any of my friends about these things because I don't want to ruin whatever content mood they may be in. I just don't have the heart to bring them down like that. I don't want to rain on anyone's parade. I don't want to kill anyone's mood. I don't want to be the barrer of bad news, the bitch and moaner, the sensitive friend that is too afraid to talk to in depth about things for fear of crying in front of her friends...I don't want anyone's sympathy and I don't want anyone to look at me differently for feeling these feelings of sadness and despair. I am sure anyone who ends up reading this understands I am only human and I can't help but feel other feelings than just happy or content but I still haven't grasped that yet and I can't find the will to admit it. I can't understand why I just can't be consistantly happy because I sure as hell have things to be happy about. I just have lingering sad feelings. And I find I have a terrible time admitting I am anything other than happy. I have a terrible time admitting I have anything wrong with me. And I am going absolutely crazy trying to fix myself and find some kind of solution but nothing is coming to mind. So let's keep it how it is. I am happy, always and forever because no matter how much I love you, that is all I can let anyone see for now. I am too insecure to be sad. I just hope that those who read this will understand me a little better and still want to be my friend. I really do want to talk, I just need to learn how to open up. I just have that history of opening up and getting hurt. But I think it could be different in friendships. I will be a lot different. So please, friends, do your best to encourage me to talk because I need that extra push. I do need back up, I really do. Jenny at 6:16 PM
Comments:
Post a Comment
| |
| a product of maystar designs. modified by carly |
