Her Smiling Eyes

Friday, May 20, 2005

I think that this year is one of my hardest years so far to face. I have faced so many new obstacles and challenges. I have no doubt that this is the year that whatever higher power may be up there is testing me for the world. I know everything will be okay in the end, but until I get to that point- life seems fruitless. Well, that is an overstatement. Actually, I just mean that life has gotten to that point again where everything you do not and never wanted or dreamed of happening is happening- and all at once. Normally I would try not to let myself get this dramatic but things have gone too far.

There is a woman who works at our school and she used to be my counselor. I met her day one of high school and we became the greatest of friends right then and there. Through out all off high school so far, she has been there for me. She knows me inside and out, and probably better than I do. Maybe even better than my mom (because I tell her other things that I am too afraid to tell my mom). Out of all the adults in my life, she is the first one to ever comletely accept me for who I am. Just me, as a whole. Jennifer Lynn Jadrich, kids. She is that person in my life who knows every little thing about me and still loves me for who I am. She doesn't give a damn if I'm weird or get a C or two. She doesn't give a damn if I'm purple, pink, albino, whatever. The point is, she is the only adult I know who accepted me head on. And I'll admit, I can be quite a handful. I don't even have to tell her that, she knows that. But nevertheless, she still accepts me and welcomes me into her life.

I've gone through some really tough shit these past three years such as the loss of loved ones (especially my grandpa, the only other adult who's accepted me) and the battles with life. I was in a deep hole in the beginning of my sophomore year. I found myself getting deeper and deeper into that dark hole- to the point where it became so dark, I couldn't care less if I was buried alive. I was at the point where I didn't care what happened to me. I didn't care if I got hit by a bus or just didn't wake up. I was really messed up then because that is definately not my normal state of mind. Mind you, I do have a serious side, but that is not it. That wasn't serious Jen, that was depression. It was about a year after my grandpa died and everything seemed to crumble right around that time. I was really bad and I did really bad things that I really regret right now. I was so afraid of what life had in store for me and I was even more so afraid of myself. It's one thing to doubt life around you, but when you doubt yourself? All you have is yourself, and when you lose that? What is there? There was nothing, I became really detatched from myself because I was too afraid. I really needed help and support. So some friends brought my counselor to me (because I was too ashamed to confront her myself with these issues) and she quickly tossed down a rope to help get me started out of that hole. She helped me confront my parents with my issue and took a step up by helping my parents realize how I was really struggling and how I wasn't happy.

And this wasn't just a one day thing. She kept checking on me until she was completely sure I was able to pull myself out of that hole. You see, she didn't just throw down a rope and pull me out 1,2,3. She gave me that rope and helped me help myself out of that hole. She was there for me the whole time and didn't leave. She stuck around to make sure I was really okay, that I wasn't just lying because I am too stubborn to admit that I have problems or something wrong with me. She knew I would say things were okay just to satisfy her because she could see through that. My parents just leave it at that- if I say I'm okay, I must be okay. But I'm so damn complicated, I will never admit that I'm not. And I know what people want to hear so I just say it because it makes life easier. This counselor knows won't take that from me. She can see through my plastic smiles and artificial responses. Nobody else knows me like that. Nobody else takes the time to sift through all my unnecessary bullshit to read what I'm really trying to say. I mean, I've gotten a lot better at being truthful with my feelings but it's become such a habit for me to fib. And sometimes it's easier to fib because some feelings are silly and inevitable, not worth being spoken about because there is nothing to do to change them. Sometimes, it's easier to say that I'm okay because I just don't want to think/talk about what is bothering me. I don't know how to approach negative situations so I try to aviod them.

The point I'm trying to make is that the day I had to confront my parents, they were very concerned for one day. After that, life went on and they completely forgot about it. I didn't even have the opprotunity to get outside counseling until the beginning of this year because according to my father, I didn't need it. And it made me so upset because I felt so broken inside and I felt that they didn't care to mend me. I had to force them to mend me or at least for them to hire someone to try to mend me for them. My counselor is more of a parent to me than my own parents. With that being said, it meant a lot to me to have her in my life. You have no idea how much it means to me to be understood. It's one of those things I find just about inevitable because I'm so damn complicated and full of contradiction. It really says something when one knows what to do in a situation, yet refuses to do it in hopes the winds will change or something will go right for once. Meaning I work against myself 75% of the time- so finding someone who understands my silly ways of thinking/working is very rare.

This woman means more than the world to me. No words could efficiently explain how much she has impacted my life. I have so much respect for her it's not even funny. She is like my school-time mom and best friend. I feel like such a fucking little kid because every single time someone that means so much to me has to leave my life, I believe he/she is going away completly. It's a known fact in psychology; some children get so upset when their parents leave them with a baby sitter or on their first day of school becaus they honestly believe that they will never see their parents again. It is because their mind is so simple, and they can only believe someone or something is there if they can see it. So when their parents leave them with another adult, the child (depending on attachment) will automatically believe they will never see their parent again and cry. I used to be like that with my parents when I was little. I just have this problem with getting attached because I will get so used to how things are and forget how they used to be. So if someone/something is in my life for a period of time, and then it goes away, I get sad because I've gotten accustomed to things and forgot how life was without them. Therefore I don't know how to deal without them, sort of like losing a finger. You never really notice until it's gone.

I just get so sad about these things because I am still in that childlike state of mind. And I've gotten so used to losing things dear to me that I almost expect it now. I have had a new best friend just about every year of my life, I tend to change groups of friends just as much...and half the time it isn't even me. It just happens and I just accept it after a while. I have forced myself to realize early on that in the end, there is just me. Friends and family are here to keep you company on this long journey of life, as well as help you along the way. But when it gets down to it, you only have yourself to count on for your whole life. The only person you can count on for ALWAYS being there for you is you and only you. Honestly, I just can't live with myself. I hate being alone. I really cherish my friends and value their friendship. The people in my life make this bowl less fruitless. Life is more worthwhile when there are people to share it with. I would have it no other way.

That has all and nothing to do with my overall point, but oh well. The point is, I try so hard not to think in the ways I do but I can't help it. In no way to I erase people from my life once they become less frequent in it, but I slowly begin to accept their absence. I tend to force myself not to because somethings I don't want to accept or admit to. Sometimes I think that if I deny for long enough, maybe it will be true again. Maybe I am just a little kid on the inside- be it only the mindset as the main similarity. I just can't understand these things or refuse to. Either way, it's all unfathomable for my mind. I just don't get it, the best things in my life have to go far away and out of reach. It's hard enough with the seniors graduating but the last straw is this counselor leaving. This woman saved my life, and I mean that in the truest sense. She really did save me from a darker, deeper depression. She saved me and guided me back to reality. I felt safe from the world in her presence and she has a way with recharging my self-esteem. She brought the sun back into my life and helped me become the person I am today. She helped me accept myself, despite my parents and others who frown upon my ways. She mended me.

And I don't even know why I am writing this because it only makes me cry more because I just think about all she has done for me and how much she really has affected my life. But I really need to write this down just in case it ever does go away because I need to know that someone like this really exists. It is just like me to become sad later in life and look over all the wonderful people and things I have been so blessed to come across in my life...those things slip my mind when I get sad because all I can focus on is what is wrong and not what is right. That is my most pessimistic trait. For being a generally optimistic person, that is my shady area. I need to write things like this down so I can remember later in life because I never ever want to forget. I dont want to forget when I'm sad, I don't want it to slip my mind when I enter a new chapter in my mind, I don't want memory loss or anything to make me forget. I write everything down so that when I read it later, I can remember to the very last detail. I don't want to forget her. Never ever ever.

I was doing really good today with not crying but then I just ruined it right now. I just can't help it. This woman means so much to me and the fact that she wants to leave just breaks my heart. I am being so selfish and I am so sorry. I just never thought the day would come. I never thought she would leave because she has been right there for so long. She's not leaving my life permanently, she made sure to make that clear when she told me, but right now it feels like that. We are still going to keep in touch and hang out but I'm so sad. I feel like she's going away forever and I can't stop crying because I don't understand. I just don't get why people care about so much have to go away. And nobody will ever understand why I get so upset like this because I don;t even know. I usually hate admitting to crying but sometimes I have to admit to crying because that is the only way I can't help but show my true feelings. I don't just cry for anyone or anything, so when I actually do cry, it's real. I can always fake a smile and fake a mood to get by, but I can't fake tears. I can't just say things are okay when I am crying because things are definately not okay. I don't cry.

But I definately cried almost as much as I did when my grampa died. And that says a lot. I have no idea why I have to cry in order to realize how much something means to me but there's that. I just can't stop. I just don't get it. Why do the good things in life have to become out of reach? Is this another God damned test because I am so fucking tired of all these life test this year. I am so tired of things I care about becoming distant from me. I am so tired of not understanding. Why? Why not stay? I don't get it, I don't get it, I don't get it, and I never will.

Someday, I'll get used to all of this but I will never accept it and I will never understand it. I have been trying so hard to understand these things and it just doesn't make sense to me.

I have another headache. I am so exausted. I fucking wear myself out with all of this. I am so tired of crying. Life tests are bullshit, they are just an excuse to take the best things out of your life and watch you stagger on without them. To me, it's like slowly busting one's support beams to see how long one can stand. Who the fuck would mess with one of the main support beams? I don't get it, of all people, why her? Why give HER reason to leave, too? Why, why, why???????? WHY?? I DON'T GET IT. I just don't get it.

Ironically, the day before I found out, I dreamt that my parents got a divorce and my mom left me. I was so upset that I woke up crying. And I was so relieve to see everything normal at home. I didn't realize it would be foreshadowing another loss. I just have to keep reminding myself that it is not a loss. I didn't lose my counselor, she is just going to be somewhere else. Let's call it relocation because if I think about it in any other way, I will get upset again. Fuck the school board, you are losing one of your finest faculty members. Fuck you for making these people want to leave. Fuck you for making elsewhere seem more desirable than your own school. Fuck you.

I'm going to take a nap. I dont want to think anymore.

Jenny at 6:43 PM

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her smiling eyes
this is your cue. smile.
Friday, May 20, 2005 I think that this year is one of my hardest years so far to face. I have faced so many new obstacles and challenges. I have no doubt that this is the year that whatever higher power may be up there is testing me for the world. I know everything will be okay in the end, but until I get to that point- life seems fruitless. Well, that is an overstatement. Actually, I just mean that life has gotten to that point again where everything you do not and never wanted or dreamed of happening is happening- and all at once. Normally I would try not to let myself get this dramatic but things have gone too far. There is a woman who works at our school and she used to be my counselor. I met her day one of high school and we became the greatest of friends right then and there. Through out all off high school so far, she has been there for me. She knows me inside and out, and probably better than I do. Maybe even better than my mom (because I tell her other things that I am too afraid to tell my mom). Out of all the adults in my life, she is the first one to ever comletely accept me for who I am. Just me, as a whole. Jennifer Lynn Jadrich, kids. She is that person in my life who knows every little thing about me and still loves me for who I am. She doesn't give a damn if I'm weird or get a C or two. She doesn't give a damn if I'm purple, pink, albino, whatever. The point is, she is the only adult I know who accepted me head on. And I'll admit, I can be quite a handful. I don't even have to tell her that, she knows that. But nevertheless, she still accepts me and welcomes me into her life. I've gone through some really tough shit these past three years such as the loss of loved ones (especially my grandpa, the only other adult who's accepted me) and the battles with life. I was in a deep hole in the beginning of my sophomore year. I found myself getting deeper and deeper into that dark hole- to the point where it became so dark, I couldn't care less if I was buried alive. I was at the point where I didn't care what happened to me. I didn't care if I got hit by a bus or just didn't wake up. I was really messed up then because that is definately not my normal state of mind. Mind you, I do have a serious side, but that is not it. That wasn't serious Jen, that was depression. It was about a year after my grandpa died and everything seemed to crumble right around that time. I was really bad and I did really bad things that I really regret right now. I was so afraid of what life had in store for me and I was even more so afraid of myself. It's one thing to doubt life around you, but when you doubt yourself? All you have is yourself, and when you lose that? What is there? There was nothing, I became really detatched from myself because I was too afraid. I really needed help and support. So some friends brought my counselor to me (because I was too ashamed to confront her myself with these issues) and she quickly tossed down a rope to help get me started out of that hole. She helped me confront my parents with my issue and took a step up by helping my parents realize how I was really struggling and how I wasn't happy. And this wasn't just a one day thing. She kept checking on me until she was completely sure I was able to pull myself out of that hole. You see, she didn't just throw down a rope and pull me out 1,2,3. She gave me that rope and helped me help myself out of that hole. She was there for me the whole time and didn't leave. She stuck around to make sure I was really okay, that I wasn't just lying because I am too stubborn to admit that I have problems or something wrong with me. She knew I would say things were okay just to satisfy her because she could see through that. My parents just leave it at that- if I say I'm okay, I must be okay. But I'm so damn complicated, I will never admit that I'm not. And I know what people want to hear so I just say it because it makes life easier. This counselor knows won't take that from me. She can see through my plastic smiles and artificial responses. Nobody else knows me like that. Nobody else takes the time to sift through all my unnecessary bullshit to read what I'm really trying to say. I mean, I've gotten a lot better at being truthful with my feelings but it's become such a habit for me to fib. And sometimes it's easier to fib because some feelings are silly and inevitable, not worth being spoken about because there is nothing to do to change them. Sometimes, it's easier to say that I'm okay because I just don't want to think/talk about what is bothering me. I don't know how to approach negative situations so I try to aviod them. The point I'm trying to make is that the day I had to confront my parents, they were very concerned for one day. After that, life went on and they completely forgot about it. I didn't even have the opprotunity to get outside counseling until the beginning of this year because according to my father, I didn't need it. And it made me so upset because I felt so broken inside and I felt that they didn't care to mend me. I had to force them to mend me or at least for them to hire someone to try to mend me for them. My counselor is more of a parent to me than my own parents. With that being said, it meant a lot to me to have her in my life. You have no idea how much it means to me to be understood. It's one of those things I find just about inevitable because I'm so damn complicated and full of contradiction. It really says something when one knows what to do in a situation, yet refuses to do it in hopes the winds will change or something will go right for once. Meaning I work against myself 75% of the time- so finding someone who understands my silly ways of thinking/working is very rare. This woman means more than the world to me. No words could efficiently explain how much she has impacted my life. I have so much respect for her it's not even funny. She is like my school-time mom and best friend. I feel like such a fucking little kid because every single time someone that means so much to me has to leave my life, I believe he/she is going away completly. It's a known fact in psychology; some children get so upset when their parents leave them with a baby sitter or on their first day of school becaus they honestly believe that they will never see their parents again. It is because their mind is so simple, and they can only believe someone or something is there if they can see it. So when their parents leave them with another adult, the child (depending on attachment) will automatically believe they will never see their parent again and cry. I used to be like that with my parents when I was little. I just have this problem with getting attached because I will get so used to how things are and forget how they used to be. So if someone/something is in my life for a period of time, and then it goes away, I get sad because I've gotten accustomed to things and forgot how life was without them. Therefore I don't know how to deal without them, sort of like losing a finger. You never really notice until it's gone. I just get so sad about these things because I am still in that childlike state of mind. And I've gotten so used to losing things dear to me that I almost expect it now. I have had a new best friend just about every year of my life, I tend to change groups of friends just as much...and half the time it isn't even me. It just happens and I just accept it after a while. I have forced myself to realize early on that in the end, there is just me. Friends and family are here to keep you company on this long journey of life, as well as help you along the way. But when it gets down to it, you only have yourself to count on for your whole life. The only person you can count on for ALWAYS being there for you is you and only you. Honestly, I just can't live with myself. I hate being alone. I really cherish my friends and value their friendship. The people in my life make this bowl less fruitless. Life is more worthwhile when there are people to share it with. I would have it no other way. That has all and nothing to do with my overall point, but oh well. The point is, I try so hard not to think in the ways I do but I can't help it. In no way to I erase people from my life once they become less frequent in it, but I slowly begin to accept their absence. I tend to force myself not to because somethings I don't want to accept or admit to. Sometimes I think that if I deny for long enough, maybe it will be true again. Maybe I am just a little kid on the inside- be it only the mindset as the main similarity. I just can't understand these things or refuse to. Either way, it's all unfathomable for my mind. I just don't get it, the best things in my life have to go far away and out of reach. It's hard enough with the seniors graduating but the last straw is this counselor leaving. This woman saved my life, and I mean that in the truest sense. She really did save me from a darker, deeper depression. She saved me and guided me back to reality. I felt safe from the world in her presence and she has a way with recharging my self-esteem. She brought the sun back into my life and helped me become the person I am today. She helped me accept myself, despite my parents and others who frown upon my ways. She mended me. And I don't even know why I am writing this because it only makes me cry more because I just think about all she has done for me and how much she really has affected my life. But I really need to write this down just in case it ever does go away because I need to know that someone like this really exists. It is just like me to become sad later in life and look over all the wonderful people and things I have been so blessed to come across in my life...those things slip my mind when I get sad because all I can focus on is what is wrong and not what is right. That is my most pessimistic trait. For being a generally optimistic person, that is my shady area. I need to write things like this down so I can remember later in life because I never ever want to forget. I dont want to forget when I'm sad, I don't want it to slip my mind when I enter a new chapter in my mind, I don't want memory loss or anything to make me forget. I write everything down so that when I read it later, I can remember to the very last detail. I don't want to forget her. Never ever ever. I was doing really good today with not crying but then I just ruined it right now. I just can't help it. This woman means so much to me and the fact that she wants to leave just breaks my heart. I am being so selfish and I am so sorry. I just never thought the day would come. I never thought she would leave because she has been right there for so long. She's not leaving my life permanently, she made sure to make that clear when she told me, but right now it feels like that. We are still going to keep in touch and hang out but I'm so sad. I feel like she's going away forever and I can't stop crying because I don't understand. I just don't get why people care about so much have to go away. And nobody will ever understand why I get so upset like this because I don;t even know. I usually hate admitting to crying but sometimes I have to admit to crying because that is the only way I can't help but show my true feelings. I don't just cry for anyone or anything, so when I actually do cry, it's real. I can always fake a smile and fake a mood to get by, but I can't fake tears. I can't just say things are okay when I am crying because things are definately not okay. I don't cry. But I definately cried almost as much as I did when my grampa died. And that says a lot. I have no idea why I have to cry in order to realize how much something means to me but there's that. I just can't stop. I just don't get it. Why do the good things in life have to become out of reach? Is this another God damned test because I am so fucking tired of all these life test this year. I am so tired of things I care about becoming distant from me. I am so tired of not understanding. Why? Why not stay? I don't get it, I don't get it, I don't get it, and I never will. Someday, I'll get used to all of this but I will never accept it and I will never understand it. I have been trying so hard to understand these things and it just doesn't make sense to me. I have another headache. I am so exausted. I fucking wear myself out with all of this. I am so tired of crying. Life tests are bullshit, they are just an excuse to take the best things out of your life and watch you stagger on without them. To me, it's like slowly busting one's support beams to see how long one can stand. Who the fuck would mess with one of the main support beams? I don't get it, of all people, why her? Why give HER reason to leave, too? Why, why, why???????? WHY?? I DON'T GET IT. I just don't get it. Ironically, the day before I found out, I dreamt that my parents got a divorce and my mom left me. I was so upset that I woke up crying. And I was so relieve to see everything normal at home. I didn't realize it would be foreshadowing another loss. I just have to keep reminding myself that it is not a loss. I didn't lose my counselor, she is just going to be somewhere else. Let's call it relocation because if I think about it in any other way, I will get upset again. Fuck the school board, you are losing one of your finest faculty members. Fuck you for making these people want to leave. Fuck you for making elsewhere seem more desirable than your own school. Fuck you. I'm going to take a nap. I dont want to think anymore. Jenny at 6:43 PM Comments: Post a Comment
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