Her Smiling Eyes

Monday, June 20, 2005

Who knew a Monday could be so lovely?

Sunday was an emo day. It's amazing how you can go through a whole day without talking to someone and realize that at the end of the day, you both had very similar days.

One of my many flaws is that when I am in a bad/sad mood, I isolate myself from everyone for fear that I will ruin their good/happy moods. And I shouldn't really like that. When you think like that, you think of yourself as a burden to others- like your bad/sad mood will spread like a plague to all your good/happy mooded friends. No one should have to worry if they are a burden. If a person is your friend, they will be able to tolerate your glumness and maybe even eliminate it.

I just need to realize that. I am no Debbie Downer, but everyone is allowed to have their off days. Even me if I just let myself.

I hope all my friends know that if they are in a bad/sad mood, I am a good listener and I don't interrupt. And if they want my input, I would be more than happy to share it. I'd love to make them smile and laugh until they misplace their woes in their mind. My friends are never a burden to me.

I can't explain why I keep wondering if I am one to them. I don't know.
Things always seem to get deeper than just the surface. I always have trouble looking into that darkness, though.

But that is besides the point by far. Last night, Brendan called and we went to Vegas. I really value our friendship. Throughout the whole day, I was thinking about how he's impacted me. Since I didn't sleep that night, I had a lot of time to think. I was thinking about how we progressively became closer and closer as the year when on. And that night- as we were searching for the cheapest things on the menu that were appealing- I realized that we are like each other's sanctuary. We both go about the world seperately, but always end up back together. It's comforting. And it makes me smile to know that we are around each other so much to wear we don't mind/aren't ashamed to feel like shit in each other's presence. Beautiful.

I don't even think we talked much. We just sat. Sometimes silence is appropriate. It can end up being the most wonderful conversation you've had in a long time.

And it was. Within that silence was a quiet understanding. That was all that was needed.

Kelsie, LFo, and Salla came by. Keslie joined us for a little while. I realized that I'm not alone. We were not alone that night. Sometimes when you are in a mad/sad mood, you feel like everyone else in the world is perfectly happy EXCEPT you. And as much as it may seem like it, that's a misconception by far. It's hard to determine whether you are happy with this realization or sad.

Optimism: you are not alone in feeling blue. It's possible to get out of this rut, others have. You can, too.
Pessimism: fuck, other people feel like this, too. I feel sorry for us.

I left Vegas feeling hopeful. I will make an effort to change the things I am not satisfied with in my life. If it ends up being myself once or twice, so be it.

It's so easy to give up. The challenge is really to keep trying. And with trying, you realize exactly how strong you are.

Anyway, we decided the night wasn't over so we picked up some movies. Oddly enough, we were looking for really bad movies to watch. I'm talking "who the fuck would waste their money to make this into a DVD and advertise it in public?" movies. Shamefully bad. Actors who feel it best to change their names for the sake of their future career in acting- that kind of bad.

He finds this old, weird movie Krakatoa and The Patriot. Yes, I too was baffled by the second choice. The Patriot is not a bad movie what so ever. He just chose it because it was good enough to sneak into the bad movie pile. The Patriot is a really great movie. We both know that. With that said, so much for bad movie night, silly boy. We were left with one bad movie and one really good movie.

We attempted Krakatoa. It was too slow paced for our liking and we were totally ADD that night. We saw about 10 minutes and no volcano yet, no screaming civilians, lame. So we flipped through the channels for sweet shows. Meh, ended up watching Batman Forever. I had to get up at 10am so I fell asleep.

7:21am. Too early. Go back to bed.
9:04am. Grandma calls. Too slow to get out of comfy recliner and answer the phone. Baffled because I don't know why my ma didn't pick it up. Go back to bed.
10am. Cell phone alarm. Telephone ringing. Grandma again. Again, too slow to pick up telly. Look for ma. REalize the alarm in my room is going off. What the hell is going on with all my appliances yelling at me at 10am???

Brendan's up too. I have to stain a fence today. I make us breakfast and he reads a magazine. I still have not mastered scrambled eggs. Damn lack of cooking skills. Ma makes me feel incompetent in kitchen as she hovers over my shoulder. I tell her to go back to the garden and do her thing she was doing before.

The news is very depressing. Missing, dead, almost dying, and injured. Everyone seems to be in one of those categories these days. It's hard to turn off the TV smiling these days. There is just too much foulness in this world. But that's reality for you.

Brendan leaves. I am really glad we are friends and that he ate my scrambled eggs. They were pretty pathetic. But they weren't burnt, just...weird looking. The underside looked like a pancake because I didn't know what to do after I poured it in the skillet. That is never a good sign. It was just weird looking. Someday, I will understand how to make those damn eggs.

I put some shorts and my bikini top on. I had to stain the fence. It was a beautiful day today- clear skies and bright, warm sun, slight breeze. I brought out my boom box and my mix. I stained that damn fence from 11:30am to 4pmish. But I wasn't uber pissed or anything. I almost was because I did spend the whole damn day staining a fence with the sun beating on my back. I felt like a slave in the hot sun, truckin' away at this never ending fence.

But I was outside. I was under the sun, feeling the warm rays, working up a sweat...I felt disciplined. In no way was this a punishment (staining the fence) but simply a chore I had to do. And I would pretend I was someone else every so often to keep it interesting. Like I would pretend I was helping a neighbor or an old lady. What helped was that I solely focused on the fact that I was doing a favor for someone. I didn't dwell on the fact it was a chore, but a favor that my parents would appreciate. And sometimes I would pretend I was somewhere other than my backyard staining a fence. Maybe another fence keeping a cottage by a lake private rather. I would just use my imagination to keep on trucking.

When I would get hot, I would cool off with the hose. Then I would get right back to work. I worked all the way until 3:45pm. I had a small lunch, I wasn't very hungry. I went right back to work. I was determined to get a lot of it done today. I still have a section to do and the fence in my sideyard (which is about five more sections).

When I ran out of stain, I stopped. I cooled off with the hose and went into my sideyard with my dog. I dried off a bit and then pet her a whole lot. Then I layed on the picnic table for a little bit. I was getting warm again so I went inside and layed on my couch in the basement. I watched some FUSE and allowed myself to nod off every so often. I deserved it this time.

Amy-kins called and she wanted to have a movie night. I was already planning on having a mini one so I said okay. I took a quick shower to clean off the stain that I got on my skin. I ate some dinner. I cleaned up the basement. I called Chani back. She would be coming after dance practice. I called Abby. She, too, would be stopping by later to drop off some stuff.

Amy and Chrissy arrive. She rented I Heart Huckabee's for us to watch. I saw it twice already. It made me laugh because I recently had to return it. And now I am watching it again- it wasn't even planned. I was planning on renting it again to see it with Abby and then there it is. I should have called Abby to see it. She stopped by but it was near the end. I will rent it again so we can see it.

Chani came over. She walked in and came downstairs because that's where we usually can be found. I like it when people are comfortable in my house.

We all hung out in my basement and finished the movie. Then we put in Garden State. We made all these sweet plans.

How sweet would it be to watch a movie through a projector outside? Picture this- a bunch of friends on an inflatable bed in my driveway, watching some movies projected onto my garage door? Or just watching a movie on a projector anywhere. I mean, if it's anything like it was at Increase the Peace, that'd be amazing! It was so intimate when we all just put down all these blankets and pillows and cuddled together. I think it'd be lovely.

We also made plans for the lemonade/bake sale stand. I'm uber excited!

Chani and I are going to go on a huge walk Wednesday, I believe. Well, we are planning to. This is no ordinary walk. We are going to leisurly walk everywhere. We will eventually get to Antioch and pick up Amy. And by pick up, I simply mean go to her house and take her with us to walk more. It sounds crazy...it is crazy. We are totally going all peace pilgrim (connection: we watched this Amnesty movie about this lady who left the comfort of her life to walk everywhere for the sake of world peace) except just for fun. Yes, we are weird but how freaking awesome of a memory would that be? We walked everywhere for a whole day. We should go all out with pedometers, yo.

Speaking of awesome memories, Julia and I swam across my lake and back on little floating rafts. We just used our arms to get us from A to B and let me tell you, it was insane. Row boaters were rowing by like we were crazy. And we are, I am quite sure of it. But it's something that you accept after a while and embrace. I haven't swam across the lake with anyone else. That was my first time and I was only brave enough because Julia was right there by with me to share the adventure. I miss my partner in crime. I need to fix that.

I feel refreshed. I also feel burnt. My back is radiating heat. I need some aloe.

Chicago is in the cards. I dont know when. But there is a photo-trip in the making, as well as thrifting.

I think I am going to bed soon. I am trying to get up at 10am from now on.

I wish I wasnt so afraid. Sometimes I can be lame like that. In relation to Eternal Sunshine- on the inside, I am like Joel. But on the outside, I am like Clemintine. And sometimes they intertwine and I just get all mixed up like oil and water trying to mix into one. But it just doesn't work. I remain a contradiction.

Bathroom time. Love to all and then some.

Jenny at 10:10 PM

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her smiling eyes
this is your cue. smile.
Monday, June 20, 2005 Who knew a Monday could be so lovely? Sunday was an emo day. It's amazing how you can go through a whole day without talking to someone and realize that at the end of the day, you both had very similar days. One of my many flaws is that when I am in a bad/sad mood, I isolate myself from everyone for fear that I will ruin their good/happy moods. And I shouldn't really like that. When you think like that, you think of yourself as a burden to others- like your bad/sad mood will spread like a plague to all your good/happy mooded friends. No one should have to worry if they are a burden. If a person is your friend, they will be able to tolerate your glumness and maybe even eliminate it. I just need to realize that. I am no Debbie Downer, but everyone is allowed to have their off days. Even me if I just let myself. I hope all my friends know that if they are in a bad/sad mood, I am a good listener and I don't interrupt. And if they want my input, I would be more than happy to share it. I'd love to make them smile and laugh until they misplace their woes in their mind. My friends are never a burden to me. I can't explain why I keep wondering if I am one to them. I don't know. Things always seem to get deeper than just the surface. I always have trouble looking into that darkness, though. But that is besides the point by far. Last night, Brendan called and we went to Vegas. I really value our friendship. Throughout the whole day, I was thinking about how he's impacted me. Since I didn't sleep that night, I had a lot of time to think. I was thinking about how we progressively became closer and closer as the year when on. And that night- as we were searching for the cheapest things on the menu that were appealing- I realized that we are like each other's sanctuary. We both go about the world seperately, but always end up back together. It's comforting. And it makes me smile to know that we are around each other so much to wear we don't mind/aren't ashamed to feel like shit in each other's presence. Beautiful. I don't even think we talked much. We just sat. Sometimes silence is appropriate. It can end up being the most wonderful conversation you've had in a long time. And it was. Within that silence was a quiet understanding. That was all that was needed. Kelsie, LFo, and Salla came by. Keslie joined us for a little while. I realized that I'm not alone. We were not alone that night. Sometimes when you are in a mad/sad mood, you feel like everyone else in the world is perfectly happy EXCEPT you. And as much as it may seem like it, that's a misconception by far. It's hard to determine whether you are happy with this realization or sad. Optimism: you are not alone in feeling blue. It's possible to get out of this rut, others have. You can, too. Pessimism: fuck, other people feel like this, too. I feel sorry for us. I left Vegas feeling hopeful. I will make an effort to change the things I am not satisfied with in my life. If it ends up being myself once or twice, so be it. It's so easy to give up. The challenge is really to keep trying. And with trying, you realize exactly how strong you are. Anyway, we decided the night wasn't over so we picked up some movies. Oddly enough, we were looking for really bad movies to watch. I'm talking "who the fuck would waste their money to make this into a DVD and advertise it in public?" movies. Shamefully bad. Actors who feel it best to change their names for the sake of their future career in acting- that kind of bad. He finds this old, weird movie Krakatoa and The Patriot. Yes, I too was baffled by the second choice. The Patriot is not a bad movie what so ever. He just chose it because it was good enough to sneak into the bad movie pile. The Patriot is a really great movie. We both know that. With that said, so much for bad movie night, silly boy. We were left with one bad movie and one really good movie. We attempted Krakatoa. It was too slow paced for our liking and we were totally ADD that night. We saw about 10 minutes and no volcano yet, no screaming civilians, lame. So we flipped through the channels for sweet shows. Meh, ended up watching Batman Forever. I had to get up at 10am so I fell asleep. 7:21am. Too early. Go back to bed. 9:04am. Grandma calls. Too slow to get out of comfy recliner and answer the phone. Baffled because I don't know why my ma didn't pick it up. Go back to bed. 10am. Cell phone alarm. Telephone ringing. Grandma again. Again, too slow to pick up telly. Look for ma. REalize the alarm in my room is going off. What the hell is going on with all my appliances yelling at me at 10am??? Brendan's up too. I have to stain a fence today. I make us breakfast and he reads a magazine. I still have not mastered scrambled eggs. Damn lack of cooking skills. Ma makes me feel incompetent in kitchen as she hovers over my shoulder. I tell her to go back to the garden and do her thing she was doing before. The news is very depressing. Missing, dead, almost dying, and injured. Everyone seems to be in one of those categories these days. It's hard to turn off the TV smiling these days. There is just too much foulness in this world. But that's reality for you. Brendan leaves. I am really glad we are friends and that he ate my scrambled eggs. They were pretty pathetic. But they weren't burnt, just...weird looking. The underside looked like a pancake because I didn't know what to do after I poured it in the skillet. That is never a good sign. It was just weird looking. Someday, I will understand how to make those damn eggs. I put some shorts and my bikini top on. I had to stain the fence. It was a beautiful day today- clear skies and bright, warm sun, slight breeze. I brought out my boom box and my mix. I stained that damn fence from 11:30am to 4pmish. But I wasn't uber pissed or anything. I almost was because I did spend the whole damn day staining a fence with the sun beating on my back. I felt like a slave in the hot sun, truckin' away at this never ending fence. But I was outside. I was under the sun, feeling the warm rays, working up a sweat...I felt disciplined. In no way was this a punishment (staining the fence) but simply a chore I had to do. And I would pretend I was someone else every so often to keep it interesting. Like I would pretend I was helping a neighbor or an old lady. What helped was that I solely focused on the fact that I was doing a favor for someone. I didn't dwell on the fact it was a chore, but a favor that my parents would appreciate. And sometimes I would pretend I was somewhere other than my backyard staining a fence. Maybe another fence keeping a cottage by a lake private rather. I would just use my imagination to keep on trucking. When I would get hot, I would cool off with the hose. Then I would get right back to work. I worked all the way until 3:45pm. I had a small lunch, I wasn't very hungry. I went right back to work. I was determined to get a lot of it done today. I still have a section to do and the fence in my sideyard (which is about five more sections). When I ran out of stain, I stopped. I cooled off with the hose and went into my sideyard with my dog. I dried off a bit and then pet her a whole lot. Then I layed on the picnic table for a little bit. I was getting warm again so I went inside and layed on my couch in the basement. I watched some FUSE and allowed myself to nod off every so often. I deserved it this time. Amy-kins called and she wanted to have a movie night. I was already planning on having a mini one so I said okay. I took a quick shower to clean off the stain that I got on my skin. I ate some dinner. I cleaned up the basement. I called Chani back. She would be coming after dance practice. I called Abby. She, too, would be stopping by later to drop off some stuff. Amy and Chrissy arrive. She rented I Heart Huckabee's for us to watch. I saw it twice already. It made me laugh because I recently had to return it. And now I am watching it again- it wasn't even planned. I was planning on renting it again to see it with Abby and then there it is. I should have called Abby to see it. She stopped by but it was near the end. I will rent it again so we can see it. Chani came over. She walked in and came downstairs because that's where we usually can be found. I like it when people are comfortable in my house. We all hung out in my basement and finished the movie. Then we put in Garden State. We made all these sweet plans. How sweet would it be to watch a movie through a projector outside? Picture this- a bunch of friends on an inflatable bed in my driveway, watching some movies projected onto my garage door? Or just watching a movie on a projector anywhere. I mean, if it's anything like it was at Increase the Peace, that'd be amazing! It was so intimate when we all just put down all these blankets and pillows and cuddled together. I think it'd be lovely. We also made plans for the lemonade/bake sale stand. I'm uber excited! Chani and I are going to go on a huge walk Wednesday, I believe. Well, we are planning to. This is no ordinary walk. We are going to leisurly walk everywhere. We will eventually get to Antioch and pick up Amy. And by pick up, I simply mean go to her house and take her with us to walk more. It sounds crazy...it is crazy. We are totally going all peace pilgrim (connection: we watched this Amnesty movie about this lady who left the comfort of her life to walk everywhere for the sake of world peace) except just for fun. Yes, we are weird but how freaking awesome of a memory would that be? We walked everywhere for a whole day. We should go all out with pedometers, yo. Speaking of awesome memories, Julia and I swam across my lake and back on little floating rafts. We just used our arms to get us from A to B and let me tell you, it was insane. Row boaters were rowing by like we were crazy. And we are, I am quite sure of it. But it's something that you accept after a while and embrace. I haven't swam across the lake with anyone else. That was my first time and I was only brave enough because Julia was right there by with me to share the adventure. I miss my partner in crime. I need to fix that. I feel refreshed. I also feel burnt. My back is radiating heat. I need some aloe. Chicago is in the cards. I dont know when. But there is a photo-trip in the making, as well as thrifting. I think I am going to bed soon. I am trying to get up at 10am from now on. I wish I wasnt so afraid. Sometimes I can be lame like that. In relation to Eternal Sunshine- on the inside, I am like Joel. But on the outside, I am like Clemintine. And sometimes they intertwine and I just get all mixed up like oil and water trying to mix into one. But it just doesn't work. I remain a contradiction. Bathroom time. Love to all and then some. Jenny at 10:10 PM Comments: Post a Comment
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