Her Smiling Eyes

Saturday, July 09, 2005

Sweet JESUS, my ma scared me shitless! I can't say why now, it's a secret. But later, I promise.

It's hard to be hyper online. The internet limits so much emotion. Just picture me really slap-happy, like jumping off shit and smiling a whole lot. It's kind of like that except I'n stationary right now, it's all on the inside.

So yea, I am home! Whoo! Check the papers, it's all over the headlines. "Jen- Back From the Wilderness"

Tons of stories. Expect them to be earthy, natury, and well, full of possibilities. I saw lots of things, did some things, etc, etc. I witnessed a lot of nature neatness. Or yea...just wow. I love nature, so I was in awe about 24-7. I wrote some stuff in my writing journal, maybe I'll just convert it. It'll be mucho easier on my part. But not now. No, I am surprised I am still sitting down right now. I have all the things I want to say on my mind but shit...I do not thing I will have the attention span to get them all down. I'm all ADD right now...ready to change subjects but trying to maintain this one for as long as I can because otherwise I'd be babbling and look at me? I already am.

Well, I wrote a lot in my xanga for once. I actually wrote in it before I wrote in this for once. I'll try copy and pasting that and those discoveries. I was actually writing really mellow despite my whoa damn energy.

Before I copy and paste though, I want to say something. I feel rejuvenated. I feel alive. I feel exuberantly happy and for once, it's not just because of my friends. I just am. I am happy to be home. I am happy to be alive. I am just really, really happy. I won't question why, I just am and that's cool with me. But ever since last night- last night I had a really great night- I've felt so wonderful. As if I forgot how to be happy by myself and I just discovered this happiness I had within me...my own happiness seperate from what other people give/share with me. And it's different.

For starters, I had my first successful moment of solitude. I went down to the beach last night (it was just getting dark) to bring up my fishing pole and I noticed how the lake was crystal clear, and still as glass. I was in awe as I reluctantly brought my pole up, looking behind every so often as I asended the stairs. I went to the closest cabin to me and put my pole on the table. Then I ran upstairs, got my notebook, and went back down to the beach and sat on the boat by the pier. How beautiful. The sky, the water, the campfire across the lake, the laughter echoing the trees from a cheerful get together, light conversations that sound like whispers across the lake. Everything. Just beautiful. And I was so eager to capture it all- the sights, the sounds, the smells, the feelings. First I tried to sketch what I saw: the lake and the reflection of the trees on it, the glass-like appearance taht I couldnt capture for the life of me, the campfire across the lake, my shadow in the water, the randomly scattered lights around the lake, the stars, everything. I learn that frantic sketching in the dark is just about fruitless. Honestly, you can get an idea from it but nothing could beat the real image. I tried my best multiple times...still in the dark...trying so hard to get everything in because it's so much different to draw what you are witnessing rather than what you already witnessed. It's all around you, you can see each characteristic, each tiny detail you may have never remembered on your own.

I was alone. I realized I was all by myself. Usually, I hate this. I am a people person. I like to be around people, with people, etc. But this time I was all alone. And for once, I liked it. I really, really liked it. The moment was pure that way, I remained silent- so as to not disrupt nature. I would have been tempted to talk if anyone else was there and the essence of it would have probably disappeared. Silence made the moment what it was. Observance and silence. I was alone and it was ok- I didn't have to try and accept it this time or try to appreciate the beauty of it...it just happened. It was a big step for me. I actually liked it a lot.

I sure the moment could have been shared with someone who appreciates nature as well. And that'd what throws me. If I was with someone that would have appreciated that moment as much as I did, I would have wanted to share it with them. I would have wanted he or she to capture all of that so that they could look back on that night and think just as much as I did "Wow, that was a gorgeous night." Moments are always extra nice when you have someone to share it with. Everything is amplified because you are both seeing it and will both remember later on.

But in this situation, I wanted to be with just me. I needed to get away, if only for an hour or two, from family, thinking of friends at least...I just needed away from all that. I wrote in my journal after my attempted doodle in the dark.

Totally off the map here. Okay. Well, just look at my xanga ---> http://www.xanga.com/private/home.aspx?user=bloodybangbangdammit

There's a whole other side to what I was meaning to say or trying to explain...nevermind. I'm just happy. Refreshed. Rekindled. Rejuvenated. Alive. Healthy.

And look what made a nest right beyond out deck up north?

A hummingbird. It was the first time my ma had ever seen a hummingbird and it was on her birthday. Beautiful. It's eggs must be the size of jelly beans!

Seriously guys, I feel like I've just been born again. Little things like that, the hummingbird and it's tiny nest with it's tiny eggs, the littlest things made me appreciate life all that much more. Not just my life but life all around me- life through the eyes of nature. A hummingbird and it's little babies.

I also saw fish jumping out of the water numerous times, trying to eat the dragonflies. And the dragonflies! I witnessed one lay it's eggs on a piece of seaweed in the lake, all without getting eaten by the fish! I saw the other dragonflies fight for the same spot to lay their eggs, I saw the process of it- how they dip their abdomens on the seaweed and the sack thing clings to it. Then the drangonfly hovers around it in the air for a moment or two, to be sure it's secured safely before it flies away. I even saw a dragonfly HATCH and swim it's way dangerously toward my pier to cling before it could start it's airborne life! Blue gills we eager to take a bite at it but for some reason, this time they layed low. I wonder if they knew it was only a baby. I became aware of all the insects that could inhabit an old log. I saw over ten shooting stars and one I witnessed with each of my cousins. We all saw it together and it was extra-special because of it. It's hard enough to witness one on your own but for three individual people to witness the same one? Amazing, purely amazing. Water that looked as if it were glass with nothing disturbing it, not one dragonfly or fish jumping, nothing. Fireworks shooting off randomly last night while I was at the pier, spontaneous amusement. Two birds mating right before my eyes when oddly enough, I've always wondered how it was possible.

But that's a whole other story, it branches off into this whole seperate topic I have in my head about lifes little ponderings that wrack your brain for all it's worth until you finally give up. And then, life goes on. What's been bugging you for so long suddenly slips your mind. Later in life, spontanteously, and appearing maybe out of coincedence or simply in your favor- the answer, right at your nose. There it is, the answer, easy as that. It came to you without you searching for it anymore. And I believe that that's how all of your other life's ponderings will be answered. Just by themselves. Think about it, here I was always wondering how birds mated- how it was possible. I asked around, asked jeeves, nothing. I finally just forgot about it and didn't remember until what's that? Two birds mating right before my eyes? WTF?
I think all of your lifes little ponderings that you have yet to find answers to will just appear in your life, at random. And after the very last one and right before you pass on, the big question (generally speaking, of course): What is the meaning of life? I bet it will finally come to us just as we see the light.

But has anyone ever thought of this? The whole life flashing before your eyes thing, did anyone ever consider that the meaning of life; that everyone has their own personal meaning of life and what flashes before their eyes is theirs- their meanign of life? Family, friends, pets, lovers, memories, feelings, etc- don't all those things give our life meaning? Would you be disappointed if that were it? The big meaning of life ending up being what we knew all along?

Mind you, that is only a theory I thought up. But think about it.

And let's take into consideration those who may not have some of those things. Maybe it would be more beneficial to them to discover the meaning of life (or their meaning of life, maybe). Maybe that goes into detail about how this person has affected the world, their significance that they possibly never realized or noticed. They can walk away knowing something new, realizing that life was worthwhile in that sense.

It's a known phenomenon: what's the meaning of life? But what will you do after you know? Will your afterlife change? Your reincarnated life be altered with more wisdom?
Or will you just go "Oh. Okay." grateful for finally knowing but next? Would you be able to use that wisdom to your benefit somehow? Possibly when being reincarnated or do those who chose to become reincarnated even get to learn the meaning of life or have to wait until they chose to settle in heaven (if there is one). I'm battling with religion. I am not very religious at all, being a non-practicing Catholic, but I am damn curious. What is the significance of knowing? What would you do with that information besides keep it a secret or pass it on? Everything is more significant with meaning, which makes it understandable to why there is a meaning of life. But doesn't everyone make their own meaning of life while living it? Like writing a book, you have to give it meaning. Painting a picture, you have to give it meaning. Why wouldn't life work the same?

What if, though a piece of wisdom we shared with someone or discovered on our own, we said the meaning of life without even knowing it? Vocalized somehthing so significant- and no one even realized it? Would you rather be the one who said it and didnt realize it or the one who heard it and didn't realize it? Wouldn't something click in our heads like "Whoa, that's muy importante...that's the meaning of life, my friend" Wouldn't an alarm go off or something?

I don't know. I don't know.For all I know, I don't know- I just think things up...these theories that make so much sense to me but probably mean nothing to the rest of the world. What do these theories mean? I know it's just me trying to break down more complicated ideas into these little ideas...maybe more comprehendable ideas? Rarely, but anyway- and then I pass them on to others so we can both analyze them. Then I relate our ideas and do i all over again. There is always a 'but' or a 'what if?' that throws me for a loop. But why does it matter? All to cure a lifetime of curiousity? I don't even know why I want to know so much. Baffling.

I need food and drink. And there is a flipping war going on in my abdomen. Bazookas and everything. My tummy is totally like "fuck you, don't feed me you crazy bitch, there's chaos down here! I can't DIGEST food, I gotta annihilate!" Which in Abdomen Army code means: I am whooping you from the inside out. Down some Midol and deal with it, woman.

Oh lordy...lordy, lordy, lordy. Maybe I won't eat. I'll just drink. Maybe that will drown out the enemy battlion...

I'd be one fucked up history teacher...relating world wars to my menstration...scarring all the children for life. I'll settle for a writer.

Time to lie down. Love to all and then some :)

Jenny at 4:42 PM

Comments: Post a Comment

her smiling eyes
this is your cue. smile.
Saturday, July 09, 2005 Sweet JESUS, my ma scared me shitless! I can't say why now, it's a secret. But later, I promise. It's hard to be hyper online. The internet limits so much emotion. Just picture me really slap-happy, like jumping off shit and smiling a whole lot. It's kind of like that except I'n stationary right now, it's all on the inside. So yea, I am home! Whoo! Check the papers, it's all over the headlines. "Jen- Back From the Wilderness" Tons of stories. Expect them to be earthy, natury, and well, full of possibilities. I saw lots of things, did some things, etc, etc. I witnessed a lot of nature neatness. Or yea...just wow. I love nature, so I was in awe about 24-7. I wrote some stuff in my writing journal, maybe I'll just convert it. It'll be mucho easier on my part. But not now. No, I am surprised I am still sitting down right now. I have all the things I want to say on my mind but shit...I do not thing I will have the attention span to get them all down. I'm all ADD right now...ready to change subjects but trying to maintain this one for as long as I can because otherwise I'd be babbling and look at me? I already am. Well, I wrote a lot in my xanga for once. I actually wrote in it before I wrote in this for once. I'll try copy and pasting that and those discoveries. I was actually writing really mellow despite my whoa damn energy. Before I copy and paste though, I want to say something. I feel rejuvenated. I feel alive. I feel exuberantly happy and for once, it's not just because of my friends. I just am. I am happy to be home. I am happy to be alive. I am just really, really happy. I won't question why, I just am and that's cool with me. But ever since last night- last night I had a really great night- I've felt so wonderful. As if I forgot how to be happy by myself and I just discovered this happiness I had within me...my own happiness seperate from what other people give/share with me. And it's different. For starters, I had my first successful moment of solitude. I went down to the beach last night (it was just getting dark) to bring up my fishing pole and I noticed how the lake was crystal clear, and still as glass. I was in awe as I reluctantly brought my pole up, looking behind every so often as I asended the stairs. I went to the closest cabin to me and put my pole on the table. Then I ran upstairs, got my notebook, and went back down to the beach and sat on the boat by the pier. How beautiful. The sky, the water, the campfire across the lake, the laughter echoing the trees from a cheerful get together, light conversations that sound like whispers across the lake. Everything. Just beautiful. And I was so eager to capture it all- the sights, the sounds, the smells, the feelings. First I tried to sketch what I saw: the lake and the reflection of the trees on it, the glass-like appearance taht I couldnt capture for the life of me, the campfire across the lake, my shadow in the water, the randomly scattered lights around the lake, the stars, everything. I learn that frantic sketching in the dark is just about fruitless. Honestly, you can get an idea from it but nothing could beat the real image. I tried my best multiple times...still in the dark...trying so hard to get everything in because it's so much different to draw what you are witnessing rather than what you already witnessed. It's all around you, you can see each characteristic, each tiny detail you may have never remembered on your own. I was alone. I realized I was all by myself. Usually, I hate this. I am a people person. I like to be around people, with people, etc. But this time I was all alone. And for once, I liked it. I really, really liked it. The moment was pure that way, I remained silent- so as to not disrupt nature. I would have been tempted to talk if anyone else was there and the essence of it would have probably disappeared. Silence made the moment what it was. Observance and silence. I was alone and it was ok- I didn't have to try and accept it this time or try to appreciate the beauty of it...it just happened. It was a big step for me. I actually liked it a lot. I sure the moment could have been shared with someone who appreciates nature as well. And that'd what throws me. If I was with someone that would have appreciated that moment as much as I did, I would have wanted to share it with them. I would have wanted he or she to capture all of that so that they could look back on that night and think just as much as I did "Wow, that was a gorgeous night." Moments are always extra nice when you have someone to share it with. Everything is amplified because you are both seeing it and will both remember later on. But in this situation, I wanted to be with just me. I needed to get away, if only for an hour or two, from family, thinking of friends at least...I just needed away from all that. I wrote in my journal after my attempted doodle in the dark. Totally off the map here. Okay. Well, just look at my xanga ---> http://www.xanga.com/private/home.aspx?user=bloodybangbangdammit There's a whole other side to what I was meaning to say or trying to explain...nevermind. I'm just happy. Refreshed. Rekindled. Rejuvenated. Alive. Healthy. And look what made a nest right beyond out deck up north? A hummingbird. It was the first time my ma had ever seen a hummingbird and it was on her birthday. Beautiful. It's eggs must be the size of jelly beans! Seriously guys, I feel like I've just been born again. Little things like that, the hummingbird and it's tiny nest with it's tiny eggs, the littlest things made me appreciate life all that much more. Not just my life but life all around me- life through the eyes of nature. A hummingbird and it's little babies. I also saw fish jumping out of the water numerous times, trying to eat the dragonflies. And the dragonflies! I witnessed one lay it's eggs on a piece of seaweed in the lake, all without getting eaten by the fish! I saw the other dragonflies fight for the same spot to lay their eggs, I saw the process of it- how they dip their abdomens on the seaweed and the sack thing clings to it. Then the drangonfly hovers around it in the air for a moment or two, to be sure it's secured safely before it flies away. I even saw a dragonfly HATCH and swim it's way dangerously toward my pier to cling before it could start it's airborne life! Blue gills we eager to take a bite at it but for some reason, this time they layed low. I wonder if they knew it was only a baby. I became aware of all the insects that could inhabit an old log. I saw over ten shooting stars and one I witnessed with each of my cousins. We all saw it together and it was extra-special because of it. It's hard enough to witness one on your own but for three individual people to witness the same one? Amazing, purely amazing. Water that looked as if it were glass with nothing disturbing it, not one dragonfly or fish jumping, nothing. Fireworks shooting off randomly last night while I was at the pier, spontaneous amusement. Two birds mating right before my eyes when oddly enough, I've always wondered how it was possible. But that's a whole other story, it branches off into this whole seperate topic I have in my head about lifes little ponderings that wrack your brain for all it's worth until you finally give up. And then, life goes on. What's been bugging you for so long suddenly slips your mind. Later in life, spontanteously, and appearing maybe out of coincedence or simply in your favor- the answer, right at your nose. There it is, the answer, easy as that. It came to you without you searching for it anymore. And I believe that that's how all of your other life's ponderings will be answered. Just by themselves. Think about it, here I was always wondering how birds mated- how it was possible. I asked around, asked jeeves, nothing. I finally just forgot about it and didn't remember until what's that? Two birds mating right before my eyes? WTF? I think all of your lifes little ponderings that you have yet to find answers to will just appear in your life, at random. And after the very last one and right before you pass on, the big question (generally speaking, of course): What is the meaning of life? I bet it will finally come to us just as we see the light. But has anyone ever thought of this? The whole life flashing before your eyes thing, did anyone ever consider that the meaning of life; that everyone has their own personal meaning of life and what flashes before their eyes is theirs- their meanign of life? Family, friends, pets, lovers, memories, feelings, etc- don't all those things give our life meaning? Would you be disappointed if that were it? The big meaning of life ending up being what we knew all along? Mind you, that is only a theory I thought up. But think about it. And let's take into consideration those who may not have some of those things. Maybe it would be more beneficial to them to discover the meaning of life (or their meaning of life, maybe). Maybe that goes into detail about how this person has affected the world, their significance that they possibly never realized or noticed. They can walk away knowing something new, realizing that life was worthwhile in that sense. It's a known phenomenon: what's the meaning of life? But what will you do after you know? Will your afterlife change? Your reincarnated life be altered with more wisdom? Or will you just go "Oh. Okay." grateful for finally knowing but next? Would you be able to use that wisdom to your benefit somehow? Possibly when being reincarnated or do those who chose to become reincarnated even get to learn the meaning of life or have to wait until they chose to settle in heaven (if there is one). I'm battling with religion. I am not very religious at all, being a non-practicing Catholic, but I am damn curious. What is the significance of knowing? What would you do with that information besides keep it a secret or pass it on? Everything is more significant with meaning, which makes it understandable to why there is a meaning of life. But doesn't everyone make their own meaning of life while living it? Like writing a book, you have to give it meaning. Painting a picture, you have to give it meaning. Why wouldn't life work the same? What if, though a piece of wisdom we shared with someone or discovered on our own, we said the meaning of life without even knowing it? Vocalized somehthing so significant- and no one even realized it? Would you rather be the one who said it and didnt realize it or the one who heard it and didn't realize it? Wouldn't something click in our heads like "Whoa, that's muy importante...that's the meaning of life, my friend" Wouldn't an alarm go off or something? I don't know. I don't know.For all I know, I don't know- I just think things up...these theories that make so much sense to me but probably mean nothing to the rest of the world. What do these theories mean? I know it's just me trying to break down more complicated ideas into these little ideas...maybe more comprehendable ideas? Rarely, but anyway- and then I pass them on to others so we can both analyze them. Then I relate our ideas and do i all over again. There is always a 'but' or a 'what if?' that throws me for a loop. But why does it matter? All to cure a lifetime of curiousity? I don't even know why I want to know so much. Baffling. I need food and drink. And there is a flipping war going on in my abdomen. Bazookas and everything. My tummy is totally like "fuck you, don't feed me you crazy bitch, there's chaos down here! I can't DIGEST food, I gotta annihilate!" Which in Abdomen Army code means: I am whooping you from the inside out. Down some Midol and deal with it, woman. Oh lordy...lordy, lordy, lordy. Maybe I won't eat. I'll just drink. Maybe that will drown out the enemy battlion... I'd be one fucked up history teacher...relating world wars to my menstration...scarring all the children for life. I'll settle for a writer. Time to lie down. Love to all and then some :) Jenny at 4:42 PM Comments: Post a Comment
a product of maystar designs. modified by carly