Her Smiling Eyes

Saturday, July 23, 2005

I was going to start in chronological order but it'd take a while before I got to what I've been thinking of. So without further adieu, my thoughts as of now.

Last night was very larthargic for some reason. I was so out of it, all I wanted to do was lounge on the couch and watch SNL skits with friends. That's the kind of mood I was in. Oddly enough, all the people were overwhelming. And coming from me, that's sort of weird to hear because generally I'm used to large groups of people.

Also, I was running into a bunch of people I haven't seen all summer. I was being approached by these friends at random, which was startling at times because I had no idea who I'd see next. Sometimes this was really uncomfortable, but othertimes I was really grateful (sometimes you need instances like these to realize these friends still remember you and so on).

Well, I ran into Mike. Mike exboyfriend Mike. We are still friends but we tend to see each other on random occurrences rather than planned. We always say we should hang out, yet the next time we see each other- it's out of the blue again. I can tell something is still there, I don't know what it is but it's there.

Anywho, it's weird because I mean I look at him and I know we've both changed for the most part since we went out and so on...yet we still have one thing in common and it's our history together. This was different than just running into a old friend, which seemed to be happening almost constantly throughout the night. With just the idea of dating or goingo out, we somehow became closer than friends.

The thing that freaked me out last night was that I had the deepest urge to grab him and hold him. I didn't because I don't know...it'd be kinda weird I guess. I don't know, as much as I wanted to do that, I didn't want to give him the wrong idea. I wasn't under the influence of anything, I was just really out of it and impulsive. What scared me was that I didn't feel the urge to do that to anyone else I saw last night. I wanted to hold him. And if I did, maybe he would have thought I still like him and maybe want to go out again and fuck dude, I'm just not sure.

I wonder what I'd be like if I didn't think so much. I mean, would I have called him last night like we notioned about? Would I have called him before that? Would I have hesitated so much in holding him?

We have this connection that I guess is apparent to the world because everyone mentions it. I know. I know we do. I see him and I feel comfortable and nervous at the same time. He talks to me about the world and everything he knows, and I listen. And vice versa, I talk to him about my thoughts and opinions, my theories- and he listens with open ears. He cares about me. He compliments me. He teaches me things. Here we are, living with this door into each others lives opening up little bit by little bit- we could easily just kick it open and there we go. But instead, we let it swing as is...not opening any further than we let it, yet never letting it close all the way.

I wish I knew how to approach this. I'm reluctant because I don't want to hurt him again. As much as I didn't mean for it to happen last time, it did. I was busy. I was scared. I wasn't ready for that sort of relationship. I still don't think I am. How did he know? How could he? So soon? What made him realize it? Was he sure? Does he still?

It wasn't sex. Any form of it. It was just...me.

Love. That's what startled me. I wasn't sure. How could he know before me? I'm still not sure. There are many different types of love. I don't know which one he is just yet.

Maybe we could date. Or at least hang out more. Even then, I don't know. I just wish I knew what this was between us. That connection that everyone sees, that I see, maybe he sees, too...whatever it is...I wish I knew what that was.

Jenny at 3:54 PM

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her smiling eyes
this is your cue. smile.
Saturday, July 23, 2005 I was going to start in chronological order but it'd take a while before I got to what I've been thinking of. So without further adieu, my thoughts as of now. Last night was very larthargic for some reason. I was so out of it, all I wanted to do was lounge on the couch and watch SNL skits with friends. That's the kind of mood I was in. Oddly enough, all the people were overwhelming. And coming from me, that's sort of weird to hear because generally I'm used to large groups of people. Also, I was running into a bunch of people I haven't seen all summer. I was being approached by these friends at random, which was startling at times because I had no idea who I'd see next. Sometimes this was really uncomfortable, but othertimes I was really grateful (sometimes you need instances like these to realize these friends still remember you and so on). Well, I ran into Mike. Mike exboyfriend Mike. We are still friends but we tend to see each other on random occurrences rather than planned. We always say we should hang out, yet the next time we see each other- it's out of the blue again. I can tell something is still there, I don't know what it is but it's there. Anywho, it's weird because I mean I look at him and I know we've both changed for the most part since we went out and so on...yet we still have one thing in common and it's our history together. This was different than just running into a old friend, which seemed to be happening almost constantly throughout the night. With just the idea of dating or goingo out, we somehow became closer than friends. The thing that freaked me out last night was that I had the deepest urge to grab him and hold him. I didn't because I don't know...it'd be kinda weird I guess. I don't know, as much as I wanted to do that, I didn't want to give him the wrong idea. I wasn't under the influence of anything, I was just really out of it and impulsive. What scared me was that I didn't feel the urge to do that to anyone else I saw last night. I wanted to hold him. And if I did, maybe he would have thought I still like him and maybe want to go out again and fuck dude, I'm just not sure. I wonder what I'd be like if I didn't think so much. I mean, would I have called him last night like we notioned about? Would I have called him before that? Would I have hesitated so much in holding him? We have this connection that I guess is apparent to the world because everyone mentions it. I know. I know we do. I see him and I feel comfortable and nervous at the same time. He talks to me about the world and everything he knows, and I listen. And vice versa, I talk to him about my thoughts and opinions, my theories- and he listens with open ears. He cares about me. He compliments me. He teaches me things. Here we are, living with this door into each others lives opening up little bit by little bit- we could easily just kick it open and there we go. But instead, we let it swing as is...not opening any further than we let it, yet never letting it close all the way. I wish I knew how to approach this. I'm reluctant because I don't want to hurt him again. As much as I didn't mean for it to happen last time, it did. I was busy. I was scared. I wasn't ready for that sort of relationship. I still don't think I am. How did he know? How could he? So soon? What made him realize it? Was he sure? Does he still? It wasn't sex. Any form of it. It was just...me. Love. That's what startled me. I wasn't sure. How could he know before me? I'm still not sure. There are many different types of love. I don't know which one he is just yet. Maybe we could date. Or at least hang out more. Even then, I don't know. I just wish I knew what this was between us. That connection that everyone sees, that I see, maybe he sees, too...whatever it is...I wish I knew what that was. Jenny at 3:54 PM Comments: Post a Comment
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