Her Smiling Eyes

Sunday, August 28, 2005

So I have this theory that if I do all the things that I'd rather do before I do what I have to do, I won't be as distracted by those things anymore. Of course, that isn't going to get this essay done any faster...and that is just a big, wordy mouthful for this undeniable PROCRASTINATION.

Hell, I even beat around the bush until I admitted it, too.

A week of school. I am already procrastinating. Not a good sign, being as though I am going through so many stages of senioritis and it's just become official that I am a senior. It started second semester last year...I am going to be running through those doors come graduation.

But think about it, if you have to write something and you have a lot of other clutter in your mind...what better thing to do than write about the things on your mind instead of the essay? I don't want to accidently write what I'm really thinking on the essay because that would surely be an eye opener.

So, without further adieu, my mind:
I like two people. I've liked one for a while now, and the other I was offically introduced to recently. I am torn in the most akward way possible. I'm saying, a situation like this is bound to cause some sort of psychological damage or something. Honestly, it will mess up your mind. There are things that you think you know for certain, but then they come up and surprise the hell out of you...make your certainty just drop right there and turn into doubt. And the doubt is good doubt...you didn't even like the certainty...but at least the certainty was CERTAIN. This doubt is something that will wrack your brain until the end of time, but it's surely not certainty. But that's just one person. The other person, I'm pretty certain about. In fact, this person flat-out MADE me certain. I wouldn't have been certain otherwise. But the trouble with this one is, THEY ARE IN JUST ABOUT THE SAME DAMN SITUATION THAT I'M IN. Not the same person, but SAME situation. The only difference is, number two does not have the doubt that I do with their person, they are just infatuated with their person and the rest doesn't matter. Well, shit. That's fucked up, Daisy.
Now, for even more confusion. Despite my strong feelings for person number one, I have developing feelings for person number two. By all means, I shouldn't even have feelings for person number one. I am just asking for heartbreak, it's inevitable. This person isn't cruel, I'm just not their type, if you will. As vague as I am being, if I gave anymore detail, there would be flashing lights and flares going off everywhere. I just can't give some details because they are not mine to share- I'm only thinking of the other people. So anyway, person number one, I like a whole lot. I know I shouldn't and I'm trying not to but it is very hard. And person number two really likes their person number one and therefore has no room to like me, I guess. What doesn't help is that I figure out all of this the day I finally get the courage to get their number to hang out, and literally right before I am going to be picked up to hang out with them. So I'm left slightly bummed but yet I totally understand...except I kind of don't because I still like person number two even though I really like person number one. I obviously have no problem liking two people at once, even though I very rarely can.
But in this instance, one person I can't like (or it does me no good liking this person, rather) and the other person I can like...besides the fact that they don't feel the same. It doesn't help the cause that they are new to the whole game and have to have just about every damn thing in common, especially our unfortunate situations. God damn.

And to be even more of a Debbie Downer, I doesn't help that I found hope for number two, especially how things were piecing together after we officially met and everything. I try my best not to have high hopes anymore because I find it will be even more of a let down when things don't go as smoothly as you wish.

I've realized that you can't really have any expectations at anytime at all. People have been surprising me to no extent. As much as I try to keep my guard up, I have no idea where the next blow will be coming from. I don't even try to assume anymore. People, you will just keep blowing my mind. I won't even ask why or how, I will just let it be. By all means, turn into a fucking chimpanzee right before my eyes...I'll just shake my head. The things I least expect are happening, and the things I expect aren't. How am I supposed to react to that? Honestly, what would you do if for whatever reason, your toothpaste would not come out of the tube...and then your mom turned into a fucking chimpanzee before your eyes? That's just fucked up, isn't it? I mean, sure, my examples are pretty drastic, but I can't think of how else to explain it without giving it away.

Life is just weird right now. Very, very weird. I have no idea what to do. No idea at all. I had ideas, but now I am hesitant to use them. For example, I was so pumped to meet number two. I was so pumped that for once, I was going to be brave and tell this person how I felt. And the way I was going to tell them was by clipping lyrics from songs by their favorite band and making a poem from it. So I went home and I spent my afternoon doing just that. The poem turned out nicely and it was full of meaning and everything. I was so excited to give it to the person because then they'd know. But I was gonna wait a little while so we could hang out some more before I gave the poem to them. And now I don't even want to try to give the poem because this person likes their person. That was such a big let down, you know? I mean, I didn't want to get my hopes up, so I made sure I was ready for anything...and I was but it doesn't help that we have to be in the same situation. It just sucks so bad. I'm so frusterated because I don't know what to do and ugh, I just don't understand how things can seem so good but not follow through with the goodness. It's like waking up one morning and finding out you won the lotto...then getting struck by lightening and going into a coma. Or like seeing a beautiful sunset...then going blind afterwards.

Why do people act like they like me but have to make it so confusing after that? Why does there have to be confusing, why not just the like? I don't get it.

Signed,
Flabbergasted and frusterated :/

Fucking hell klf;djfa;wjljwef;oif

I don't think I'll be able to concentrate for a while...

Jenny at 2:33 PM

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her smiling eyes
this is your cue. smile.
Sunday, August 28, 2005 So I have this theory that if I do all the things that I'd rather do before I do what I have to do, I won't be as distracted by those things anymore. Of course, that isn't going to get this essay done any faster...and that is just a big, wordy mouthful for this undeniable PROCRASTINATION. Hell, I even beat around the bush until I admitted it, too. A week of school. I am already procrastinating. Not a good sign, being as though I am going through so many stages of senioritis and it's just become official that I am a senior. It started second semester last year...I am going to be running through those doors come graduation. But think about it, if you have to write something and you have a lot of other clutter in your mind...what better thing to do than write about the things on your mind instead of the essay? I don't want to accidently write what I'm really thinking on the essay because that would surely be an eye opener. So, without further adieu, my mind: I like two people. I've liked one for a while now, and the other I was offically introduced to recently. I am torn in the most akward way possible. I'm saying, a situation like this is bound to cause some sort of psychological damage or something. Honestly, it will mess up your mind. There are things that you think you know for certain, but then they come up and surprise the hell out of you...make your certainty just drop right there and turn into doubt. And the doubt is good doubt...you didn't even like the certainty...but at least the certainty was CERTAIN. This doubt is something that will wrack your brain until the end of time, but it's surely not certainty. But that's just one person. The other person, I'm pretty certain about. In fact, this person flat-out MADE me certain. I wouldn't have been certain otherwise. But the trouble with this one is, THEY ARE IN JUST ABOUT THE SAME DAMN SITUATION THAT I'M IN. Not the same person, but SAME situation. The only difference is, number two does not have the doubt that I do with their person, they are just infatuated with their person and the rest doesn't matter. Well, shit. That's fucked up, Daisy. Now, for even more confusion. Despite my strong feelings for person number one, I have developing feelings for person number two. By all means, I shouldn't even have feelings for person number one. I am just asking for heartbreak, it's inevitable. This person isn't cruel, I'm just not their type, if you will. As vague as I am being, if I gave anymore detail, there would be flashing lights and flares going off everywhere. I just can't give some details because they are not mine to share- I'm only thinking of the other people. So anyway, person number one, I like a whole lot. I know I shouldn't and I'm trying not to but it is very hard. And person number two really likes their person number one and therefore has no room to like me, I guess. What doesn't help is that I figure out all of this the day I finally get the courage to get their number to hang out, and literally right before I am going to be picked up to hang out with them. So I'm left slightly bummed but yet I totally understand...except I kind of don't because I still like person number two even though I really like person number one. I obviously have no problem liking two people at once, even though I very rarely can. But in this instance, one person I can't like (or it does me no good liking this person, rather) and the other person I can like...besides the fact that they don't feel the same. It doesn't help the cause that they are new to the whole game and have to have just about every damn thing in common, especially our unfortunate situations. God damn. And to be even more of a Debbie Downer, I doesn't help that I found hope for number two, especially how things were piecing together after we officially met and everything. I try my best not to have high hopes anymore because I find it will be even more of a let down when things don't go as smoothly as you wish. I've realized that you can't really have any expectations at anytime at all. People have been surprising me to no extent. As much as I try to keep my guard up, I have no idea where the next blow will be coming from. I don't even try to assume anymore. People, you will just keep blowing my mind. I won't even ask why or how, I will just let it be. By all means, turn into a fucking chimpanzee right before my eyes...I'll just shake my head. The things I least expect are happening, and the things I expect aren't. How am I supposed to react to that? Honestly, what would you do if for whatever reason, your toothpaste would not come out of the tube...and then your mom turned into a fucking chimpanzee before your eyes? That's just fucked up, isn't it? I mean, sure, my examples are pretty drastic, but I can't think of how else to explain it without giving it away. Life is just weird right now. Very, very weird. I have no idea what to do. No idea at all. I had ideas, but now I am hesitant to use them. For example, I was so pumped to meet number two. I was so pumped that for once, I was going to be brave and tell this person how I felt. And the way I was going to tell them was by clipping lyrics from songs by their favorite band and making a poem from it. So I went home and I spent my afternoon doing just that. The poem turned out nicely and it was full of meaning and everything. I was so excited to give it to the person because then they'd know. But I was gonna wait a little while so we could hang out some more before I gave the poem to them. And now I don't even want to try to give the poem because this person likes their person. That was such a big let down, you know? I mean, I didn't want to get my hopes up, so I made sure I was ready for anything...and I was but it doesn't help that we have to be in the same situation. It just sucks so bad. I'm so frusterated because I don't know what to do and ugh, I just don't understand how things can seem so good but not follow through with the goodness. It's like waking up one morning and finding out you won the lotto...then getting struck by lightening and going into a coma. Or like seeing a beautiful sunset...then going blind afterwards. Why do people act like they like me but have to make it so confusing after that? Why does there have to be confusing, why not just the like? I don't get it. Signed, Flabbergasted and frusterated :/ Fucking hell klf;djfa;wjljwef;oif I don't think I'll be able to concentrate for a while... Jenny at 2:33 PM Comments: Post a Comment
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