Her Smiling Eyes

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

I'm gonna do it!! I'm gonna do it!!!

I am so sick and tired of my current essay. I am in the midsts of revising it...but I just don't like it. That essay was something I whipped up late at night to have something to put into the teacher's hands next morning. How shameful, I never thought I would ever amount that...someone who writes something, anything, just to turn it in.

I like to get into my writing, get into that zone where it's like you're not even in reality anymore. Nothing can phase you because you are too involved processing information within that half way point-- halfway inbetween your heart and your mind. And it's constant, no pausing because pausing only leaves room for doubt. You just keep typing because there seems to be a constant as well as consistant flow of emotions deriving from that halfway point. Like now, I am barely even thinking. This is what I strive for. Not the lack of thought but the idea that I can get my point across without second guessing myself. I don't even have to think, it just comes to me naturally. This is raw, straight from the inner depths of my being material right here. These sentences are clear, but rigid and dirty because there was no time to clean or smooth the edges.

Honestly, this is my mind/heart right here. These are the words that have yet to and may never reach my lips to hit the air. Why I can't have this raw flow of words in this essay is beyond me.

Actually, no, it is not beyond me. When I hear essay, I automatically feel restrictions forming within myself. The idea that I have to stick to one topic for however long the essay should be overwhelms me. I cannot conform to one topic. By all means, I am not being rebellious or anything but seriously, I have such a hard time sticking to one topic. Other memories and/or ideas tend to rush my mind and I end up hitting at least one (if not all) across in order to better clarify my first topic. You want me to talk about baseball? Well, the first thing that comes to my mind is how my grandpa played for the minor leagues and went on to become a part-time umpire for some years. Then I would suddenly find myself thinking about my grandpa and how he taught me how to throw a curve ball, let alone a baseball in itself. I will then go into a tangent on how he's taught me so many things and how much he means to me. By the end of the essay, I will realize I've drifted into this other world and therefore try to tie everything together within the last few paragraphs. Or, simply start over.

The point is, topics always can branch off into other topics. The art of the essay is to control that natual tendency to branch of and relate the desired topic to other things. Stick to one topic. Nothing else. Just that one. The one they want.

Hence, the restricted feeling...sigh. I've decided that I will start writing my essays on my blog because within my blog, I feel unrestricted. When I write in my blog, I write freely and passionately about anything that comes to my mind. The only difference is that I will write freely and passionately about my topic with a lot more substance and necessary quotes, statistics, etc.

Currently, the essay is a practice admission's essay. So I am allowed to write freely and passionately as long as I follow the prompt. I just have to stick to the one prompt, though, and refrain from blending all the prompts into one desired prompts (I have a way of unconsciously making things work to my advantage when it comes to writing papers, haha).

Well, back to the drawing board. I hope everyone is having a lovely hump day. I love you.

Fuck. Okay, to explain the "I'm gonna do it!! I'm gonna do it!!!" at the beginning of this post, I meant that I was going to put on of my poems into it (my new adm. essay) because Campbell said it would help define who I am. Also, she said it would give me an opprotunity to show off my talent because that could be the 'eye catcher' that gets me into my desired school (N/A, currently). So I'm going to do it...hmm...I don't know why I get so shy when I include poetry to things. I mean, it's just my heart beating words I don't expect anyone to hear. Each stanza only has me intertwined within it and it's only oozing with Jen memories, experiences, thoughts, desires, etc.

I can't help but feel that each poem is a glimpse of my soul. Anyone would be cautious about letting their fellow peers, teachers, family, friends peek at that. I am trying to ween myself out of that frame of mind, but still, I feel so naked when I let people who don't know me very well read a poem I've written (Ms. Campbell). The more I bring to surface, the more subject I am to criticism. This is not always a bad thing, but any self-consciousness I possess resides within my writing and weaknesses come to light. Suddenly, I feel just as vulnerable as a turtle belly up would.

But I'll do it. The whole point of this essay is to let be known what cannot be discovered on a simple information sheet. These details lie within me and the only way they will be known is if I take a chance and open up.

Jenny at 7:07 PM

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her smiling eyes
this is your cue. smile.
Wednesday, September 14, 2005 I'm gonna do it!! I'm gonna do it!!! I am so sick and tired of my current essay. I am in the midsts of revising it...but I just don't like it. That essay was something I whipped up late at night to have something to put into the teacher's hands next morning. How shameful, I never thought I would ever amount that...someone who writes something, anything, just to turn it in. I like to get into my writing, get into that zone where it's like you're not even in reality anymore. Nothing can phase you because you are too involved processing information within that half way point-- halfway inbetween your heart and your mind. And it's constant, no pausing because pausing only leaves room for doubt. You just keep typing because there seems to be a constant as well as consistant flow of emotions deriving from that halfway point. Like now, I am barely even thinking. This is what I strive for. Not the lack of thought but the idea that I can get my point across without second guessing myself. I don't even have to think, it just comes to me naturally. This is raw, straight from the inner depths of my being material right here. These sentences are clear, but rigid and dirty because there was no time to clean or smooth the edges. Honestly, this is my mind/heart right here. These are the words that have yet to and may never reach my lips to hit the air. Why I can't have this raw flow of words in this essay is beyond me. Actually, no, it is not beyond me. When I hear essay, I automatically feel restrictions forming within myself. The idea that I have to stick to one topic for however long the essay should be overwhelms me. I cannot conform to one topic. By all means, I am not being rebellious or anything but seriously, I have such a hard time sticking to one topic. Other memories and/or ideas tend to rush my mind and I end up hitting at least one (if not all) across in order to better clarify my first topic. You want me to talk about baseball? Well, the first thing that comes to my mind is how my grandpa played for the minor leagues and went on to become a part-time umpire for some years. Then I would suddenly find myself thinking about my grandpa and how he taught me how to throw a curve ball, let alone a baseball in itself. I will then go into a tangent on how he's taught me so many things and how much he means to me. By the end of the essay, I will realize I've drifted into this other world and therefore try to tie everything together within the last few paragraphs. Or, simply start over. The point is, topics always can branch off into other topics. The art of the essay is to control that natual tendency to branch of and relate the desired topic to other things. Stick to one topic. Nothing else. Just that one. The one they want. Hence, the restricted feeling...sigh. I've decided that I will start writing my essays on my blog because within my blog, I feel unrestricted. When I write in my blog, I write freely and passionately about anything that comes to my mind. The only difference is that I will write freely and passionately about my topic with a lot more substance and necessary quotes, statistics, etc. Currently, the essay is a practice admission's essay. So I am allowed to write freely and passionately as long as I follow the prompt. I just have to stick to the one prompt, though, and refrain from blending all the prompts into one desired prompts (I have a way of unconsciously making things work to my advantage when it comes to writing papers, haha). Well, back to the drawing board. I hope everyone is having a lovely hump day. I love you. Fuck. Okay, to explain the "I'm gonna do it!! I'm gonna do it!!!" at the beginning of this post, I meant that I was going to put on of my poems into it (my new adm. essay) because Campbell said it would help define who I am. Also, she said it would give me an opprotunity to show off my talent because that could be the 'eye catcher' that gets me into my desired school (N/A, currently). So I'm going to do it...hmm...I don't know why I get so shy when I include poetry to things. I mean, it's just my heart beating words I don't expect anyone to hear. Each stanza only has me intertwined within it and it's only oozing with Jen memories, experiences, thoughts, desires, etc. I can't help but feel that each poem is a glimpse of my soul. Anyone would be cautious about letting their fellow peers, teachers, family, friends peek at that. I am trying to ween myself out of that frame of mind, but still, I feel so naked when I let people who don't know me very well read a poem I've written (Ms. Campbell). The more I bring to surface, the more subject I am to criticism. This is not always a bad thing, but any self-consciousness I possess resides within my writing and weaknesses come to light. Suddenly, I feel just as vulnerable as a turtle belly up would. But I'll do it. The whole point of this essay is to let be known what cannot be discovered on a simple information sheet. These details lie within me and the only way they will be known is if I take a chance and open up. Jenny at 7:07 PM Comments: Post a Comment
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