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about me
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Alotta my pals say that I am pretty random, and i like to think out side of the box alot. Im pretty crazy but not in the straight jacket sorta way ya kno. I like to send letters to my friends cuz everyone likes to get real mail every once and a while. I also like to leave messages on answering machines. Those are a few joys in my life. Another joy in my life is my friends. They put happy into my life just being there. They are my favorite people and I would do anything for them. There are many other joys in my life such as my dog and writing. There are sum downs too but the good stuff makes up for it. Ya can't let the bad bring ya down too much bcuz then life gets a little harder everyday cuz its just bringin ya down. Movin on, Im kinda spastic and goofy and thats aways fun. I like to have fun and smile and have a good time. I'm never usually serious but sometimes I am when I write. Other than that, I usually am never serious cuz its just not me. It would just be weird. But hey I'm weird too and sponaneous so ya never know what to expect outta me I am just a firecracker that just never stops goin. Ya think the pop stops but no it keeps on goin. I can also be refered to as spark plug cuz i dunno i guess im sparky but okay. Thats about all the main stuff, you'll learn the rest in time.
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Dainty and smelling nice :)
 That's all I have so far, I am too impatient to upload mas right now. ________________________________________________________________ ---------Celebration of life: please disregard, very emotional---------- ________________________________________________________________ Mom (looking out the window): "Do you know what today is?" Me (looking forward because I am driving us home, I answer without second thought): "It's the anniversary when Grampa died." Mom (surprised by the immediate feedback): "Mmmhmmm." Me: "I know, I haven't forgotten yet." (Long pause) Me: "It was a Thursday." Mom: "It was such a beautiful day that day." (the weather) I always seem to get so emotional around this time. Everything just becomes so overwhelming and I can't help but think about what life would be like if he were still alive. After a while, I've learned to store away the pain, you know? Not think about it so much. But it always seems to surface again right about now. I've been so cold and distance more than ever lately, and I get so lost in all these things. I feel so far away and I never know who to talk to. Part of me wants to talk to someone and get a hug or something but then again, part of me doesn't want to talk to anyone because I don't want anyone to have to hear my silly woes and sad-talk. I wanted to cry so much today because there is so much to say that is left unsaid and their is so much I'm feeling right now that I don't know how to explain. I've been so sensitive lately and with that, I have been so willing to just walk away from anything that makes me upset. Here I am avoiding two friends of mine just because there is this sick, twisted part of me that will not allow me be happy for them. I am constantly reminded of the feelings I contain and how they are void to the reciever. I've been hit by the plague of jealousy and it's traveling straight to my head. And I am so disappointed because I wanted to go to the cemetary today so that I could talk to him but I just didn't have enough time. I was one the go all day today and what free time I did come across is at night. I wanted him to see me pull in by myself to visit him and I wanted to tell him about all the things that are happening in my life. I know he would be so proud of me for being in field hockey and making the play. I know he is proud of me in heaven but it's different when I go and visit him because it's like I am closer to him. I know he is always with me, but I just feel closer when I visit him. I always think maybe he makes a special trip down from heaven to be with me when I go to the cemetary because then I am going all out to see him officially. I just keep thinking about all I want to tell him and how he would always listen, no matter how much I rambled and stuttered out of excitement. I could talk to him about the stupidest stuff, and he would let me go on and on about it. He would always listen and make sure to tell me how proud he was of me. And I learned to be so patient in that sense, for he would rave about baseball and tell me fishing stories, and I would listen with admiration. I am not even a really big fan of baseball, but I am when it applies to him. Tomorrow I am going to go to the store and get some jellybeans. Everytime I would get jellybeans, I would pick out all the black ones because they were black licorice and he liked those ones best. They weren't my favorite, so it worked out. It became a habit--now everytime I get jellybeans, I pick out all the black ones and put them in a baggie. Last year I left a container of them for him with a note inside. I'm going to keep the tradition going. Except it's really hard to buy jellybeans, though, just because I can't REALLY give him all the black ones. I can only pretend that he is getting them. And no matter how much I don't like black licorice, the smell is so comforting because it makes me think of him. Sometimes I just want to eat one, just to taste the flavor that he enjoyed so much. But I still really don't like black licorice, so I just enjoy the scent instead. I don't even really like the scent, either, it's just the idea that the smell makes me think of him. The same goes for cigars. I miss him so much and I never realize exactly how much I miss him until the 26th rolls around. His presence seems so strong right now, and the memories are even more vivid than usual. It was a Thursday, beautiful and sunny. I had a really great day that day, I laughed a lot and was really happy (partially becauseI was going to visit him after school). Then I got home and everything turned upside down. I remember it all. I never cried so hard. And no matter what tears were shed on this day, today is a celebration of life. He is always within my heart. I love you, Grampa. Jenny at 8:29 PM
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