Her Smiling Eyes

Monday, October 24, 2005

It's almost unbelieveable. It's so wonderful, but then again, it's a real shame.

Here he is, this boy that I had a real thing for sophomore year. He disappears, to my knowledge, and then reappears. More than once. Does this mean something? I don't know. All were spontaneous occasions...I mean, Dairy Queen? Blockbuster?

Now we are talking more. A lot more, actually. I really enjoy it, I enjoy him. He is a lovely boy. He has gotten out of that shy awkward stage, which is nice, for I have a chance to get to know him now. But I will admit, I did really appreciate that shy/awkward/mysteriousness immensely.

But I've changed since then. He remembers me from English class sophomore year. He remembers my crazy behavior and witty commentary during class. The innocent disruption I would cause. I was a wild child.
Sebi (Peter) : out of all people that i knew or met in highschool...for some strange reason you stood out the most with your wild ways.

Well, now I've mellowed out. I don't know...I'm just tamer. I didn't mean for it to happen- it just did. I'm not as crazy as I used to be, I mean it used to come natural. But I've realized how different I am now, still crazy but in smaller proportions. It's almost an effort to be hyper. Maybe it's the stress. Maybe today just isn't my day. I know I still have it in me. I am just like I used to be everyday in my current english class. Maybe I am just most comfortable with those people. It's easier for me to be the real, crazy Jen when I am surrounded with people I'm comfortable with.

Most of my classes, I don't really like a majority of the kids. I can be a distraction in moderation, but good god, these kids don't know their limits. That's why I don't like them. They get annoying fast because they don't know when to shut up. We all have those days, but EVERYDAY should not be one of those days.

Anyway, the point is, I'm different now because of these conditions. Well, not necessarily different because I am sure if I had a different assortment of people in my classes (meaning less douchebags), life would be different. Life tends to be different due to different surroundings. Right now, I'm limited. And it's very disheartening because I feel like I'm turning lame and boring. I have a crazy sense of humor, where is it lately?

In talking to Sebi (Peter), I realize how much I miss who I was then, or more so who I could be. It's like I'm not comfortable in my skin, it's just that I'm surrounded by a lot of people I don't want to associate with and therefore don't talk as much.

I don't know. I'm also in one of those moods today. The kind of weird, emotional mood right before the time of the month. I was ready to cry today when I had to wake up from my nap. My heart broke when I realized I suck at bowling sans bumpers. Silly stuff that bummed me out. And I thought about college and wanted to cry again because the process doesn't seem to be working in my favor.

And it really makes me sad to think that I could be turning ordinary and boring. Am I losing my voice? How many other people remember me the way Sebi (Peter) does? Will they still remember me that way? I feel lame, like a star that is losing it's sparkle. I want to be me still, and this doesn't feel like me. I'm no wallflower. I may be mellow at times, but in no way am I introverted.

Humm :( I want to be crazy, hyper, energetic Jen. The one who bent rules and found ways to disrupt the class and somehow relate it back to the topic. I want to be random again. I don't think I'm random anymore. What am I these days?

This is not because of (dammit, I'm calling him Peter because I met him as Peter, not Sebi) Peter, I've been pondering this. But he just brought it to light again and made me think about it. I miss old me. I don't like mellow if it's going to suck my spirit away.

I do, however, like Peter (Sebi). Actually, let's take this slow. I like what I am getting to know so far. I like who he is, he has a genuine personality and is a very sweet boy. We seem to be interested in each other, which is a plus. We want to hang out soon and I believe it's going to happen. With some people, it's just talk. But I really believe that it's going to happen. I don't know how I will act, being as I don't know who I am anymore due to this mellow nature I've come about this year. I would like to think that I could return to my outgoing self and really be myself around him. I don't want to be the one to clam up and turn shy when he's recently come out of his shell. How unfortunate would that be? We'll see. I'm going to try to get out of this funk.

I am very curious to see where this goes. I'm a little thrown off though, I wasn't expecting being attracted to a boy again anytime soon. We'll have to see what happens. Otherwise, I look forward to a divine friendship...
...he has quite a way with making me feel good, though.

Good night, world.

Jenny at 8:05 PM

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her smiling eyes
this is your cue. smile.
Monday, October 24, 2005 It's almost unbelieveable. It's so wonderful, but then again, it's a real shame. Here he is, this boy that I had a real thing for sophomore year. He disappears, to my knowledge, and then reappears. More than once. Does this mean something? I don't know. All were spontaneous occasions...I mean, Dairy Queen? Blockbuster? Now we are talking more. A lot more, actually. I really enjoy it, I enjoy him. He is a lovely boy. He has gotten out of that shy awkward stage, which is nice, for I have a chance to get to know him now. But I will admit, I did really appreciate that shy/awkward/mysteriousness immensely. But I've changed since then. He remembers me from English class sophomore year. He remembers my crazy behavior and witty commentary during class. The innocent disruption I would cause. I was a wild child. Sebi (Peter) : out of all people that i knew or met in highschool...for some strange reason you stood out the most with your wild ways. Well, now I've mellowed out. I don't know...I'm just tamer. I didn't mean for it to happen- it just did. I'm not as crazy as I used to be, I mean it used to come natural. But I've realized how different I am now, still crazy but in smaller proportions. It's almost an effort to be hyper. Maybe it's the stress. Maybe today just isn't my day. I know I still have it in me. I am just like I used to be everyday in my current english class. Maybe I am just most comfortable with those people. It's easier for me to be the real, crazy Jen when I am surrounded with people I'm comfortable with. Most of my classes, I don't really like a majority of the kids. I can be a distraction in moderation, but good god, these kids don't know their limits. That's why I don't like them. They get annoying fast because they don't know when to shut up. We all have those days, but EVERYDAY should not be one of those days. Anyway, the point is, I'm different now because of these conditions. Well, not necessarily different because I am sure if I had a different assortment of people in my classes (meaning less douchebags), life would be different. Life tends to be different due to different surroundings. Right now, I'm limited. And it's very disheartening because I feel like I'm turning lame and boring. I have a crazy sense of humor, where is it lately? In talking to Sebi (Peter), I realize how much I miss who I was then, or more so who I could be. It's like I'm not comfortable in my skin, it's just that I'm surrounded by a lot of people I don't want to associate with and therefore don't talk as much. I don't know. I'm also in one of those moods today. The kind of weird, emotional mood right before the time of the month. I was ready to cry today when I had to wake up from my nap. My heart broke when I realized I suck at bowling sans bumpers. Silly stuff that bummed me out. And I thought about college and wanted to cry again because the process doesn't seem to be working in my favor. And it really makes me sad to think that I could be turning ordinary and boring. Am I losing my voice? How many other people remember me the way Sebi (Peter) does? Will they still remember me that way? I feel lame, like a star that is losing it's sparkle. I want to be me still, and this doesn't feel like me. I'm no wallflower. I may be mellow at times, but in no way am I introverted. Humm :( I want to be crazy, hyper, energetic Jen. The one who bent rules and found ways to disrupt the class and somehow relate it back to the topic. I want to be random again. I don't think I'm random anymore. What am I these days? This is not because of (dammit, I'm calling him Peter because I met him as Peter, not Sebi) Peter, I've been pondering this. But he just brought it to light again and made me think about it. I miss old me. I don't like mellow if it's going to suck my spirit away. I do, however, like Peter (Sebi). Actually, let's take this slow. I like what I am getting to know so far. I like who he is, he has a genuine personality and is a very sweet boy. We seem to be interested in each other, which is a plus. We want to hang out soon and I believe it's going to happen. With some people, it's just talk. But I really believe that it's going to happen. I don't know how I will act, being as I don't know who I am anymore due to this mellow nature I've come about this year. I would like to think that I could return to my outgoing self and really be myself around him. I don't want to be the one to clam up and turn shy when he's recently come out of his shell. How unfortunate would that be? We'll see. I'm going to try to get out of this funk. I am very curious to see where this goes. I'm a little thrown off though, I wasn't expecting being attracted to a boy again anytime soon. We'll have to see what happens. Otherwise, I look forward to a divine friendship... ...he has quite a way with making me feel good, though. Good night, world. Jenny at 8:05 PM Comments: Post a Comment
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