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part with me
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about me
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Alotta my pals say that I am pretty random, and i like to think out side of the box alot. Im pretty crazy but not in the straight jacket sorta way ya kno. I like to send letters to my friends cuz everyone likes to get real mail every once and a while. I also like to leave messages on answering machines. Those are a few joys in my life. Another joy in my life is my friends. They put happy into my life just being there. They are my favorite people and I would do anything for them. There are many other joys in my life such as my dog and writing. There are sum downs too but the good stuff makes up for it. Ya can't let the bad bring ya down too much bcuz then life gets a little harder everyday cuz its just bringin ya down. Movin on, Im kinda spastic and goofy and thats aways fun. I like to have fun and smile and have a good time. I'm never usually serious but sometimes I am when I write. Other than that, I usually am never serious cuz its just not me. It would just be weird. But hey I'm weird too and sponaneous so ya never know what to expect outta me I am just a firecracker that just never stops goin. Ya think the pop stops but no it keeps on goin. I can also be refered to as spark plug cuz i dunno i guess im sparky but okay. Thats about all the main stuff, you'll learn the rest in time.
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I can't find words right now.
 Oh how I lie. I know the words. I always know the words.  I could write a book about them. Where to start, though. I'm sure I could find a place. But how do you write the beginning of something that may have never ended? Is the beginning still the beginning or is it now the moment you realized it never ended? Does anything ever end? The reason why I wasn't gung-ho about typing words today was because I had so much to say. But shit gets so complicated after a while, you know? And yet all I say is lies because it really isn't complicated. I know what I am feeling. I am fully aware with what is going on. Just because I don't know what to do doesn't mean that it's completely true. A majority of the time, when people say they don't know what to do or say even, chances are they are afraid what they will do or say will be wrong or inappropriate for the moment. As fucked up as I sound/seem, I have a pretty good head on my shoulders. I have a gift, I can easily project my feelings into words/art projects. I have no problem figuring out what the fuck is wrong with me. But what to do about it. I'm sure there's a pill for every little quirk I have. I never was one to resort to pills, I still am that person. I believe everything can be regulated with hobbies/sports. I take everything and put it into writing/art. Good, bad, and ugly. I'm crazy. Insane. No joke. I mean, I may not have heard it from a doctor but it's the truth. And you're crazy. Maybe crazier than I am. I don't know, and I sure as hell don't care to make a contest out it. We're all crazy. Think about it, we were all placed on a planet. We came somehow, based on what you believe in--be it Adam and Eve or evolution. Either way, we evolved into what we are today. But basically, we were stranded here to figure out how to live. We managed early on, and as eras flew by, we got the hang of life here on Earth. We work hard everyday to better our lives and the lives of others. The search is on for how to live longer, but why? The human race is going downhill at a fairly fast pace. Some people (such as myself) live their life figuring they are going to hell anyway. And that is no way to live. As un-religious as I am, I think everyone needs something or someone to believe in. I long for someone/something to believe in. Right now, I believe in me. I believe I can work things out. I believe I can find what I am looking for in life. I believe one day, all my questions will be answered. And sometimes, all you need is to know someone believes in you. I know. Religion. There is the belief that God created it. Their is the belief that someone way back when created those stories simply because they understood that people needed a guide. This whole life on earth thing was pretty new as far as they knew. They needed a guide and something to believe in to get by in this empty life. Because that's all it is until you make something of it. And some people can't stand feeling empty. Religion was there to make those people feel full even when life was it's emptiest. They were full of faith and hope. And for some people, that's all they need. For some people, that's all they have. They believed in something/someone and their lives had purpose. I can't do that. I can't believe in something that supposed to love me for who I am, yet will damn me to hell eternally for it. And maybe that's my reason for insanity. I don't have that constant full feeling. I don't have something other than myself to believe in, because I fail to even believe in myself every once and a while. What to we have in the end? Each other. But even then, we kill each other every day. People hurt/betray/loathe/etc all the time. Probably even right now in more than one part of the world. We're insane. But at least it's a group effort. Why do I even waste my time typing about it, it's crazy-talk. Completely irrelevent to what the title of this post is: j.e.a.l.o.u.s.y. What a silly thing to waste my time on, right? So silly that I'd rather talk about the world's slow destruction and humanity's insanity (hey, I rhymed) than to even admit right from the start this raging poison I have inside of me. That's right. I spent nearly three hours avoiding the actual subject matter because I didn't want to admit such a thing existed in my life. Three hours because I was afraid to acknowledge the truth because hell, once it's out--it's out. But hell, after all that, I don't even know what I am jealous about. I just felt it, but then I distracted myself so I guess there's that. I'm done writing on here for today. I don't even know what I am talking about. I just knew I had to talk, so I did and it's crazy the things that come to my mind but at least I feel better. I'll always care. Somedays it's just harder than others. Jenny at 11:46 PM
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