Her Smiling Eyes

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Alright.
I got the escape I needed last week until this past Saturday.
I went to Carbondale with Amanda and Abby [those names always seem to come in pairs, no?]
After Milwaukee Pride on sunday, I went to Vegas with my party
Met up with Amanda and Abby there
This was my first time hanging out with Amanda officially
Other times we'd just cross each other's paths occasionally with our mutual friends
Anyway, I was all wound up with the big group of people there
But as soon as the party started to dwindle, I began talking a lot to Amanda about everything
Everyone eventually left until we were the only two of our group who remained
We talked about everything, no joke
It was amazing
In that period of time we talked [from dusk till dawn], I not only met a person but a tender soul
And when she invited me to Carbondale, it was the greatest thing anyone could offer
We hung out once and after that night, I felt comfortable to leave my comfort zone and travel to a foreign land with her and Abby
So I go for it. Call me impulsive, but come on, I live for these things
I persuade my parents that this is the closest thing to a road trip I can afford and although they don't agree with the spontanity, they eventually allow me to go
Next morning, I leave at 11am
Five and a half hours south
As I get in the truck, I realize this is the most excited I've been since I don't even know when
I've become so accustomed to the whole routine living thing that this random trip was such a different track to a different future and it felt so good to be off the course of regular life
And I leave. Only a handful of people know. Not even.
I just left, and it felt so good. The pre-warning might have spoiled it.
My phone was continually losing service as we traveled, which was fine by me
I wasn't kidding about wanting to get away
The trip flew by with good conversation, good company, and good music
Everything was ideal. We were singing at the top of our lungs. We were talking about all sorts of things. But the greatest of all is that we were getting further and further away from one of the two places I know--Lake County [the other being the area around my cabin]
I didn't know where I was going besides the name and I absolutely loved it
And when I got there, somehow, I immediately felt at home
We sat on the porch and people would come over and hang out
I met so many people
I saw not everything, but so many new things
My mind was spinning with possibility
This fresh, new atmosphere was quenching this parched parched throat I've developed
My mindset completely changed
I let go of everything and was completely myself with no regrets
Sometimes, we get so used to the habit of not being completely ourselves simply because we learn what people appreciate about us and cause that part to shine more around them
And although that part is ourselves, it's still only part of us
For five days, I was everything that makes me a whole
I was goofy, serious, happy, sensitive, easy going, upset, alive, breathing, whole, full, and gay
Ever since the seniors before me graduated, I've been hanging out with people my age
I realize that I get along with older people more because I just fit in more
I'm such an awkward but wise young lady
Anyway, this trip opened my eyes. Although it was still Illinois, it didn't feel like it
I felt so far away and in this little world of nature and love and friendship
Within five days, I became so attached to the place, this home away from home
And I came back to tell my story to all of my friends here
Share this unfathomable beauty i've seen and experienced
When you go out and experience these things, you are left changed forever--no matter where you go--because it's new and different from what you are used to
I fell in love with Carbondale as a whole and I experienced this whole new version of myself
One that is so alive and hopeful with everything
I felt so alive and aware in those five days
And I came back feeling home sick for that home away from home
It tears me up to think that so easily I can leave this comfort zone and feel fine
I am so overwhelmed
I don't even know what to say
It's merely what I feel
And I feel like my spirit is less than it could be just because there is so much to offer in life and it's so hard to experience it all here
Here I am just another angsty kid feeling caged in my comfort zone
But there I am living each day to the fullest and experiencing everything through reading, music, conversation, sight seeing, and appreciating another's company
It's like an addiction
I have to go back
I have to find a way to go back because I haven't felt that in love with life in a while
It's normal human reaction to flock towards people, places, and things that make them feel good, positive feelings
And somethings down there are in no way different than up here
But then the are because everything and everyone is different in their own ways
Maybe it'll get old eventually (this desire to leave everything I know for things that I discover at random)
Right now, though, it's just what I need. Have you ever gone to a place or had a conversation with a person and said, "This is just what I need." and really meant it? Because I really felt like I meant it everytime I said it
I really need to go back
I need to see where this takes me
I feel as if I went off the main path of life and instead, journeyed down a random scenic route...
Then I had to turn around.
I need to go back so I can see where this take me
Maybe it'll change my life
In some ways, it already has
But I really need to ride this one out
Call me curious, crazy, selfish, hippie, whatever
I just feel it in my heart.

Jenny at 12:07 AM

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her smiling eyes
this is your cue. smile.
Wednesday, June 21, 2006 Alright. I got the escape I needed last week until this past Saturday. I went to Carbondale with Amanda and Abby [those names always seem to come in pairs, no?] After Milwaukee Pride on sunday, I went to Vegas with my party Met up with Amanda and Abby there This was my first time hanging out with Amanda officially Other times we'd just cross each other's paths occasionally with our mutual friends Anyway, I was all wound up with the big group of people there But as soon as the party started to dwindle, I began talking a lot to Amanda about everything Everyone eventually left until we were the only two of our group who remained We talked about everything, no joke It was amazing In that period of time we talked [from dusk till dawn], I not only met a person but a tender soul And when she invited me to Carbondale, it was the greatest thing anyone could offer We hung out once and after that night, I felt comfortable to leave my comfort zone and travel to a foreign land with her and Abby So I go for it. Call me impulsive, but come on, I live for these things I persuade my parents that this is the closest thing to a road trip I can afford and although they don't agree with the spontanity, they eventually allow me to go Next morning, I leave at 11am Five and a half hours south As I get in the truck, I realize this is the most excited I've been since I don't even know when I've become so accustomed to the whole routine living thing that this random trip was such a different track to a different future and it felt so good to be off the course of regular life And I leave. Only a handful of people know. Not even. I just left, and it felt so good. The pre-warning might have spoiled it. My phone was continually losing service as we traveled, which was fine by me I wasn't kidding about wanting to get away The trip flew by with good conversation, good company, and good music Everything was ideal. We were singing at the top of our lungs. We were talking about all sorts of things. But the greatest of all is that we were getting further and further away from one of the two places I know--Lake County [the other being the area around my cabin] I didn't know where I was going besides the name and I absolutely loved it And when I got there, somehow, I immediately felt at home We sat on the porch and people would come over and hang out I met so many people I saw not everything, but so many new things My mind was spinning with possibility This fresh, new atmosphere was quenching this parched parched throat I've developed My mindset completely changed I let go of everything and was completely myself with no regrets Sometimes, we get so used to the habit of not being completely ourselves simply because we learn what people appreciate about us and cause that part to shine more around them And although that part is ourselves, it's still only part of us For five days, I was everything that makes me a whole I was goofy, serious, happy, sensitive, easy going, upset, alive, breathing, whole, full, and gay Ever since the seniors before me graduated, I've been hanging out with people my age I realize that I get along with older people more because I just fit in more I'm such an awkward but wise young lady Anyway, this trip opened my eyes. Although it was still Illinois, it didn't feel like it I felt so far away and in this little world of nature and love and friendship Within five days, I became so attached to the place, this home away from home And I came back to tell my story to all of my friends here Share this unfathomable beauty i've seen and experienced When you go out and experience these things, you are left changed forever--no matter where you go--because it's new and different from what you are used to I fell in love with Carbondale as a whole and I experienced this whole new version of myself One that is so alive and hopeful with everything I felt so alive and aware in those five days And I came back feeling home sick for that home away from home It tears me up to think that so easily I can leave this comfort zone and feel fine I am so overwhelmed I don't even know what to say It's merely what I feel And I feel like my spirit is less than it could be just because there is so much to offer in life and it's so hard to experience it all here Here I am just another angsty kid feeling caged in my comfort zone But there I am living each day to the fullest and experiencing everything through reading, music, conversation, sight seeing, and appreciating another's company It's like an addiction I have to go back I have to find a way to go back because I haven't felt that in love with life in a while It's normal human reaction to flock towards people, places, and things that make them feel good, positive feelings And somethings down there are in no way different than up here But then the are because everything and everyone is different in their own ways Maybe it'll get old eventually (this desire to leave everything I know for things that I discover at random) Right now, though, it's just what I need. Have you ever gone to a place or had a conversation with a person and said, "This is just what I need." and really meant it? Because I really felt like I meant it everytime I said it I really need to go back I need to see where this takes me I feel as if I went off the main path of life and instead, journeyed down a random scenic route... Then I had to turn around. I need to go back so I can see where this take me Maybe it'll change my life In some ways, it already has But I really need to ride this one out Call me curious, crazy, selfish, hippie, whatever I just feel it in my heart. Jenny at 12:07 AM Comments: Post a Comment
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