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part with me
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about me
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Alotta my pals say that I am pretty random, and i like to think out side of the box alot. Im pretty crazy but not in the straight jacket sorta way ya kno. I like to send letters to my friends cuz everyone likes to get real mail every once and a while. I also like to leave messages on answering machines. Those are a few joys in my life. Another joy in my life is my friends. They put happy into my life just being there. They are my favorite people and I would do anything for them. There are many other joys in my life such as my dog and writing. There are sum downs too but the good stuff makes up for it. Ya can't let the bad bring ya down too much bcuz then life gets a little harder everyday cuz its just bringin ya down. Movin on, Im kinda spastic and goofy and thats aways fun. I like to have fun and smile and have a good time. I'm never usually serious but sometimes I am when I write. Other than that, I usually am never serious cuz its just not me. It would just be weird. But hey I'm weird too and sponaneous so ya never know what to expect outta me I am just a firecracker that just never stops goin. Ya think the pop stops but no it keeps on goin. I can also be refered to as spark plug cuz i dunno i guess im sparky but okay. Thats about all the main stuff, you'll learn the rest in time.
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That boy is still persisting.
There is a boy, however, that has me thinking. I don't understand how I can like everything about him, love him even, and yet...I can't seem to go out with him. It's just too hard and I'm too confused. I like girls. But then, I like him, too. I really like girls, though. But it upsets me so much things cannot work out with him. How I just can't like him all the way or something?? What? But then, I got her number. Her. Her. Today, she gave me her number. And tomorrow, she may be attending my bonfire. This makes me so, so happy. My heart is exploding with joy and I am smiling over a million smiles inside and out. Infinity and beyond!!! [But I'd never admit it to her] My stomach is doing somersaults of joy! My heart is beep beep beeping like mad! Tomorrow is a bright and beautiful day! Join the bonfire, all, for it is an evening of celebration :D Jenny at 11:24 PM Fuck. I seem to attract young men. And it's not like they don't know I'm gay... They know. So why might you ask? I have no friggin' idea. Whhhyyy? I'm like, dude, don't wrinkle my flannel in a scary bull-dyke voice. I haven't actually said it yet, I've thought about it. I like boys as friends. They make lovely friends. Where my girls at haha Jenny at 12:35 AM Honey packet. Sometimes I forget what I put in my pockets. But it doesn't phase me, or surprise me that it's there. I wrote something. A poem-esque thing. But it will stay in my notebook. The notebook that I write in, friends contribute to, and we all get a glimpse once and a while... At this thing...that holds a little bit of every one of us-- But mostly me. Tattered with the spine coming loose, full of emotions and every day things, but always growing More knowledge, more wisdom, more character More history. Some pages I love, some pages I hate But never once do I rip pages out Or throw it down in a fit of rage It's just as alive as I am. In fact, if I were a journal, that is what I would be. There is always more to write about because there is always more to learn. Jenny at 7:32 PM 'I wish I knew how to quit you' I want to slam my head through my desk... --- You know, it's one thing to get really passionate about something mentally--for example, me writing all the time But it's a whole other thing when you are passionate for something physically. That's what I really admire about athletes. I loved the prep and practice we'd do for field hockey. It just pumped me up. Actually, no, it sucked because I wasn't a huge fan of the sport. But the team was great. And the coach changed my life. But to be on a team for a sport that you really care about, and practice avidly and work out just for that sport...all this prep for this one sport...that is beautiful. I would run like fuck for soccer. I would work my body for all it's worth for that sport. I've never had the chance to play it--like really play it--but I can just feel it in my blood. I would really dedicate myself for it. I would run. I would work out. I would practice long hours. I love getting excited over things that I love. And the thing about soccer is that you can really love it and put your all into it and feel great without it ever loving you back. I can put my all into something and simply enjoy the outcome. Soccer and me. Me and soccer. Working harder everyday to better my game, better myself. And I can practice by myself, too. Running, dribbling, juggling the ball. Soccer can never let me down. I can only let me down. And I would hate to let me down. I would be pissed. And I have to LIVE with myself--I can't be pissed. Even I'll admit that's ugly. That's the beauty of sports. Only I can let me down. Maybe it's an early adult crisis but I really want to fucking lose myself in soccer and really put my all into it. I want to train, practice, and play. I want to become so exausted by the excerise that I fall asleep in the shower after a long day. I want to feel sore, eat lots of carbs, and drink like a fish (gatorade and water, of course). Just for me. I want this. I think it'll be good for me. --- You're killin' me, doll. Jenny at 3:16 AM New poem. It's been a while. My ovaries hurt and make me tired. An early night it shall be. Jenny at 9:12 PM I'm learning. Everyday. All the time. "Screws fall out all the time...the world is an imperfect place." -The Breakfast Club I read that off of Lissy's blog. I like it. My left foot and traveling up my leg is asleep. Does that make sense? Now it's sort of tingling. Weird feelings. My friend has this blog and I swear, it contains some of the most beautiful writing I have ever had the priviledge to read. No joke, my jaw just drops. And I feel so lucky to come across such natural talent. She probably doesn't even realize it. Moreso she's modest. But really, I read her stuff and I feel inspired. I feel grateful. I feel honored to be associated with such a beautiful soul. And she's still so young, yet already she's impacted so many lives. I only aspire to have that affect on people. Maybe I will, maybe I do already. All I really know is that I am really lucky to have her in my life. I looked at this picture I found online and it was a shot of people walking from behing. Two people had their arms around each other and then there was the back of this other guys head. The title was "People being people", and I really liked that a lot. A few of my favorite lines from the Regina Spektor song 'Ghost of a Corporate Future' are, "People are just people/they shouldn't make you nervous...song song song...People are just people/people are just people like you" We are all just people, stuck on this earth...together. [Quote from a blog, but slightly rewritten? Does that even make it a quote anymore? Rephrased, rather? Meh, I just want to give the person props because the originality is not my own] Sometimes, when I feel so out there--in my head and distant even when I am near--and I alone in my own little world... Then I see people, and it feels as if it's been a million years As if I've been in jail and I'm free again Sometimes I don't know what's holding me back But once I'm free, it feels so good And I feel so alive I know I am a people person. I constantly surround myself with people. I'm most accustomed to it. And then sometimes I need me time. But when I give myself me time, I can't help but miss the company. A day and a half. I felt myself going crazy. I need to learn how to be my own company for my own sake. This can't keep happening. I made a mix yesterday. It's a creative one. It goes with a picture. This particular theme is new for me. I need to work on the rest more, but the mix is completed. And that's 2/3 of the whole project. It's not just a mix, but a thought process and a path. Sometimes, I don't know how I think of these things. I love the spontanity, though. I love how I never know how things are going to fall into place or even if they will. I love how I start these blogs and I really know where they are going or how they will end. The thought process, ladies and gentlemen, is an amazing thing. Never take it for granted. It's what keeps things rolling and interesting. Jenny at 12:37 AM I'm home. Home home home. Home is where my room is. Home is where my shit is. Home is all of my belongings in my designated area. Home is where my family lives. Home is near my friends. Home is what I go to when I am done being away. Basically, home is familiarity. It'll change when you move. It'll change depending on who you're with. I noticed at my cabin with Vickie that when we were done biking, she'd say "let's head home" And I knew she didn't mean Lake County. Fuck, 384 miles later... No, she meant my cabin. A newfound familiarity. Cabin is not home. Cabin is familiar to both of us. Therefore, cabin is understood as home. My friend's house's are home. Carbondale is home. Soon, my dorm will be my home. Then my apartment or house will be my home. Anywhere can be home once you become familiar with it. With familiarity comes comfort. Comfort comes in all shapes and sizes. Music, art, photography, sports equiptment, smells, sounds, colors, people... The list goes on. Lately, I've let go of my comfort zone. Like an astronaut disconnecting his/herself from the rocket and letting his or herself float into space. Some people call me a nomad now. I've always been a drifter. Now I am just not afraid to experience the outside. Experience everything I don't know. Everyday, I become more and more familiar with the people in this world by interacting or simply observing. We are all so different, but yet, in the end, people are just people. They are no different than me. If I am correct, we are walking on the same earth, breathing the same polluted air and using our lungs to sift out the oxygen while we exhale the carbon monoxide (or dioxide? fuck me if i'm wrong, it's 2:46am). Living, breathing, feeling. Intimidating? Not in the least when you think about it that way. We all put on a front that we are not interested. But in reality, we are so curious. That's why people look up when you walk by. Look over to see what you are reading. Peek at what CD's you have. So curious but so shy and reserved. It's been drilled into our heads not to talk to strangers that it's a surprise we meet anybody anymore. No one sparks conversations. Or at least feel comfortable in continuing them. We are all so awkward. Shy, curious, and awkward. And it's so funny because we can learn so much from each other, let alone, make a new friend. I want to meet as many people as I can. My mind is like a sponge and I am just soaking everything in. And now, I finally sleep in my bed for the first time in two weeks. Jenny at 2:30 AM I leave again next week Maybe sunday, most likely monday I've always been a drifter, but for once, I'm actually embracing it I'm meeting new people, seeing new things, experiencing life at it's fullest I'm becoming more aquainted with the world around me I'm starting small, but hopefully getting bigger and bigger I have the courage now I want to broaden my comfort zone I'm going to Georgia. By car. And we will drive those nine hours together and make memories along the way. Meet new people. See new things. Experience life at it's fullest. And the beauty of it is that we will always be driving through someone's hometown. And everyone will always have a story. I will put myself in their shoes at that point in time and pretend I grew up there. I'll imagine what I would be like, what I would do, where I would hang out and who with--all in a matter of moments--then I will come back to reality with an understanding I may have never grasped before. I can't wait. I may be a drifter, but I always come back. Each time with more stories, more wisdom, more understanding. The world is a living and breathing being And when the wind blows, and the sun glows, I feel it's warmth, the inhale and exhale blowing all around me Putting everything in motion Spinning, spinning, spinning And we don't fall down But sometimes I spin around in circles so I can feel what the earth feels like on a daily basis I got a letter today from Barack Obama in reference to my petition along with the Human Rights Campaign against the Federal Marriage Amendment. And I know he sent it to everyone who campaigned, that it isn't very personal--but it made me feel good to be acknowledged along with the probable millions of other people for such a cause. It had my name on it in the letter, so it was more than a general letter like "Dear Human Rights Campaigner..." Someone went through a lot of trouble to incorporate these names in these letter to make it more personal, and that means a lot to me. Maybe you got a letter, too, with your name in it. You should feel proud, so proud, that you are speaking out and getting recognized. And I hope this encourages everyone else to keep on fighting for what they believe in. Not merely for the recognition, but because people do listen. No matter how helpless you may feel with your beliefs, someone is always willing to listen--be it a friend or a US Senator. And this man inspired me to keep on speaking up. Keep pushing. Be heard. I will do everything I can to try to make a difference at least somewhere in this world. Even if it is simply in Lake County. Or even changing someone's perspective. Make a difference. I'm not saying become part of the world police. I want to help people who need/want to be helped. That's all. I wish to go to bed every night feeling like I've accomplished something. And I will make a journal for myself of all my discoveries and experiences so I can pass it on to my loved ones. Maybe they will learn something. Learn to appreciate life with what they have. Be happy. "To look up is joy" -Confucius Jenny at 3:41 PM | |
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